Have you ever had your heart broken? I remember having this conversation with someone years ago, me telling them that I have never had my heart broken, and them being in disbelief. I always tell people that here I am 35 years old, and have never had my heart broken but YES I have been broken hearted by situations, by people, by life, friendships, deaths, failures and much more. Quick to inform those who must know that I have never had my heart broken by a relationship, by a man or even a woman for that matter. But today I was told to stop telling such a lie, I have had my heart broken by a man that I didn't even think to consider. Here I am in my 30's, trying to live my best life, still trying to find myself, and not even realizing how much hurt is underlying the smiles you often see, the jokes that you laugh at, and the kindness that I give to those I love. But underneath this shell lies a heart broken little girl, who has her moments of feeling unloved, unwanted, uninspired, under-appreciated, unmotivated, and most days unbothered. Here I am, realizing that the first man I ever loved indeed broke my heart and I found ways to occupy myself, occupy my mind, and not deal with the true reality.
The first man I ever loved broke my heart 6 years ago and here I am 6 years later and finally realizing this. Denied because I couldn't classify it as a relationship, when in reality my relationship with my father was my first shot at love, what it looked like, what it felt like, and how I imagined it to be. But here I am, a little girl with a broken heart. Walking through life fearful, tormentful, upset, confused, disturbed, curious, angry, happy, sad, and mad. Mixed emotions that fill me often, and yet I continue to let the world know that I have never had my heart broken by a relationship. We often become so accustomed with blocking things/people out, finding different avenues or outlets to occupy our times and minds that we don't take time to talk about it, pray about it, allow ourselves to be concerned about it, and find ways to heal our minds about it. What I am learning is that sometimes the toxicity we carry can be created from within, and not that in which is given to us by others. The lesson is not always about what you learned, but often about how the situation helped you grow, how it made you better and not bitter, how you were able to cope and move past it and come to terms with it in order to live your best life. We can't force others to love us, want us, need us, be there for us in ways that we want them to, or even how we love them, and are there for them and I am slowly coming to terms knowing that it is okay. Will you be broken hearted? Of course, and you may question it all and ask why .... but instead of questioning and wanting to know the why's work on the how's ... how to make the situation better, how to overcome it, how to cope after it's all said and done, how it will make you stronger, how it is going to make you better and not bitter.
For all the broken hearted little girls in this world, whether you read this post or not, understand this, it's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to ask the questions of why but let us not get trapped in wanting to know the why's .... give yourself a little bit of time to ask the why's but then regroup and start to focus on the how's. How it will make you better and not bitter, how much stronger you will be once you get through it, how much more beneficial you will become to others once you master how to cope, and how DOPE you really are even on those days you can't really see all that dope-ness that lies beneath that broken heart of yours. I come to you personally, as the broken hearted little girl sharing her world, and finally ready to work on my HOW and no longer focus on the WHY. Turn those worries into love and live life ... truly and without worries.
