In moments when we are expectant of something we wait and then when it occurs we often feel stuck, unsure and confused. It's like our mind and body is reprocessing it all over again. That defines me in this moment. 💔 But even in the midst of all things unknown and uncertain one thing that's for sure is that God is real and in due time he will heal. The most valuable piece of information I had ever received during my time of sorrow was "don't allow anyone to dictate how you should grieve" because it may not hit you today or tomorrow; it could be 6 months from now or a year or possibly even 2 or more. Anticipatory grief is the thief that steals joy from the present. It's unshakable. Seemingly happy moments aren't so happy anymore and without warning you are swarmed with emotions. You want to spend every day living for each moment. But instead, you spend most days gripped in fear, panic, helplessness, and all the emotions in between.
When it comes to dying, it can be unpredictable and last only a few minutes, or you can see it coming from a distance and it’ll last months or even years. It’s always hard to lose a loved one. What I can’t decide is if it’s harder to lose someone without notice or if it’s harder to watch someone fight that battle and lose every single day. Losing someone unexpectedly comes with a lot of uncertainty. Recently, I’ve known what it’s like to watch a loved one die and unexpectedly all within a year. A year ago today my mother lost her battle to cancer – one that started only 3 months priors to her succumbing. Three months of cancer quickly killing her body. Two months of constantly feeling ill and being in pain, and toughing it out, being confined from hospital to hospital to rehab to hospice. I sat by her side day in and day out, deprived of sleep, missed meals, prayed hard, and cried a lot. We all did. We did what we could to make her comfortable. There were close calls, yet all we could do was wait. I was already at terms with what was inevitably going to happen, but still waiting to suffer.
"The thing about dying is that it isn’t something that you can put off. It’s not something that will just go away if you quit thinking about it, and it’s certainly not something you can say, “I’ll take care of it tomorrow.” Whether you’re prepared or not, it’s going to happen, and on its own terms, too. It’s not something you can negotiate, and even when you want it to come, it still won’t listen."
I kept waiting to get that phone call or text message telling me that she didn’t make it through the night on the days when I was at work or the nights I didn't stay with her at the hospital. I hated seeing her struggle the way she had, yet it was hard to imagine a life without her in it. There is no chance to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean those things I said" and have an actual conversation. I remember telling her that if she was ready to let go, then it was okay to let go! 😢 Crazy right? I was just so at ease with what was happening that I knew God would take care of me but it was clear that he needed her too. I had nights I was scared to fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I feared I would miss her taking her last breath while I was there.
July 5, 2018 .. 8:56 AM I remember it just being the two of us in the hospital room listening to the playlist of songs I wanted played during the funeral. Smokie Norful - "I Need You Now" & every word just hitting so close to home:
"If I never needed you before
To show up and restore
All of the faith that I let slip
While I was yet searching the world for more
The truest friend I have indeed
You are my best friend I know in me
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me
I need you right away
The agony of being alone
Fear of doing things on my own
The test and trials that come to make me strong"
Time was winding down because they assured us you wouldn't make it through the 4th of July and you proved them wrong but I knew it was coming. About an hour later, I realized the breathing had become quieter. Her breathing became even and slower, like someone sleeping. At 9:53 AM or so, she breathed one breath and stopped. She breathed one more and then stopped again. There were no more breaths after this. I just remember hitting the call button for the nurse and saying "she's gone" and within minutes medical doctors and the hospice nurse came to confirm. Within a matter of minutes I sent out the family group text and it was over. I didn't get the "I love you" I wanted but I felt I got something much greater in the end. Her final days were filled with family members in and out of the hospital and to be alone, just the two of us in her final moments gave me peace "many who are first will be last ..." 💜 I feel honored to have gotten to be there with her until the end. I feel honored to have cared for her during her final hours. 😌
What you don’t realize until it happens is that even if you had weeks or months or years to prepare, it doesn’t hurt any less to lose someone you love. We are supposed to gain comfort from knowing they’re in a better place surrounded by other deceased loved ones where they aren’t feeling any pain. How selfish the human flesh can be to want those we claim to love to remain here in pain and suffering. We can have all the time in the world with people and sometimes it's never enough and sometimes we aren't given enough time for people to show us the world ... in grief, there is no stage called closure. Little by little we let go of loss BUT NEVER let go of love. He gave me 35 years with my mother and even though many years I felt motherless, even on her death bed all I wanted her to tell me was that she loved me, and just to hug me a bit more in this lifetime, one thing I find myself doing much more is thanking God for all the lessons I learned from her. There are so many people in this world who didn't have any years together with their mother for whatever reason ... God could have given me 35 more years with her and I'd probably still be selfish when he called her home. The truth is we are never ready to let go❗❗❗
I read something that said "life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." Because we often look at death as the opposite of life instead of a part of it. This thing we live called life is nothing but a brief intermission between life and death.
The reality of losing someone after watching them die is that you will still feel empty. You will still feel numb. You might even feel a sense of unfairness. Watching someone you love die is one of the hardest things you may ever do. There were times when I sat in my car and cried and thought about how hard this was. “God why her, why right after Dre?,” I’d say to myself. It was harder than battling depression. And at times, I honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it through. I often feel as if I was deprived a great relationship ... the mother-daughter relationship is like no other. When your mother is gone there is no secure base to return to for a mother’s support and comfort. Daughter's feel it again with every year, every change at every stage of her life. You never outgrow needing your mother in life. Even though she has transitioned, I have many moments where I feel very disconnected from life happening around me. I want to be alone and quiet and just think about what her and my brother are doing in heaven; especially on days when I feel as if I am suffering here. I want to think about them so hard with hopes to feel their presence. I want to know that I did things right by her and did not cause her to suffer any greater than the cancer and other illnesses did. I want to know that she is not scared or in pain and yet I also don’t want to worry about any of these things.
1 year later and yet many days I find myself in that sunken place. My soul isn't quite at ease but I get up everyday; and try and make the most of everyday hoping that the day doesn't make the most of me. They always tell me, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers ... and as much as I bend, HE has never let me break. I've learned that there are battles in life that you will face alone and then there will be many that will align you to be of service to others in their time of need so they won't have to face it alone. Pain and suffering are such horrible essential tools of growth! "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." #thankyouGodforthesuffering #thankyouGodforthepain 💕🙏🕊
