Heartbreak on the Hudson

I dated someone ... or at least I thought I was dating them. Time wasn't in our favor, we both worked and both made excuses. Then finally BOOM ... we connect. Yes we connect after all of the failed attempts the time was coming, it was guaranteed, it was a sure thing. Why was I so excited? Why was I so intrigued? What was it about him? Our conversations were sincere, his interest in me was captivating, and his support for things I spoke passionately about wanting to achieve didn't go unnoticed. He was different, he was like a breath of fresh air in a pair of Gorilla Glue inhaled lungs. Some days he was like a slow groove during a spin cycle. He was just different, and it felt like being on top of the Ferris wheel at the hood carnival and viewing the city from a different view, with a new set of eyes. I don't want to say that it was love but it was something worth wanting to know much more than face time calls and text messages. Never ending smiles and good conversation, mind intrigued much more than the body & so it was time, time to quit playing, time to spend time in each other's presence and see if the physical connection existed as much as I imagined it to. Our initial visit was short lived it was a pop up appearance, something unexpected but just enough to make a person smile. Our time together would come at a wedding. I am thinking to myself, well damn what better place to explore each other's souls than in a place filled with love. I want to look good, I want to smell good, I want our vibes to connect, I want to know if the plan moving forward is you and I. I'm all in. Surrounded by love and laughter, here we are at this wedding, guests of honor, but what I am honoring more than the wedding itself is your presence. Chill, let me keep my cool, let me stay calm it's just what I keep telling myself, put your guard up, play hard to get and keep the butterflies in the cage. This is all I keep periodically telling myself, from me parking my car at your home and you greeting me telling me how nice I look and how good I smell. During the car ride to the wedding and even to the reception, and even when I decided to put on my flip flops for the reception and you offered to hold my shoes, I just kept saying to myself "chill yo, don't let it loose." So we laugh, we smile, we pose for the photo booth and we enjoy each other's company and as the evening whines down I think to myself "damn I wouldn't mind doing this again, spending time with this man." But during my time I spent on the cloud I must've missed something down below. The feeling began to fade and things slowly began to change. I battled with a loss I never expected to deal with for about another 30 years and now here I was having time for my mind to wander and my soul to ache and cry. Time goes by and then all of a sudden a few months and not many but really what felt like two weeks passes and a picture is posted and my mind thinks "damn" maybe what I felt wasn't really worth feeling. I think damn, what did I miss? Did I not get the memo? It was all good just a week ago right? OR was I wrong? Here I was, sitting here asking myself a million and one questions while my heart felt left behind on the Hudson .... and I didn't fight to have it back, I just left it there to drown, on the Hudson. Time went by, pages were put on my block list, numbers were placed on my block list, I was just in a space where I left that part of my heart on the Hudson. And now here I am asking myself, why didn't you go back and get your heart from the Hudson? Sometimes, our pride is so big that our eyes can't see over, around or under it ... and this is where the story ends but everyday I want to ask him, if I came back to the Hudson for my heart would you meet me on the bridge?

Going Dutch.

Is a man still considered a "provider" if you all split the bills 50/50, and does it change your respect for him? I feel as if I have had this discussion year after year just to see if opinions change. The topic came back up recently and then someone posted it via snap chat and another discussion occurred.

Now let's be clear that the discussions were based upon relationships, not marriages. Can it be relative to married couples? ABSOLUTELY ... but this is geared towards couples. About a week ago I was at lunch with a friend and we were discussing bills, splitting bills, being tired of paying bills, all the things that we do as adults and my question to him was "who pay's the bills when you live with your significant other?" I have honestly lived with my significant other one time and it was tough for me. Not tough because he didn't have the finances to pay the bills but tough because at that point in time I felt I couldn't allow anyone to pay my bills, especially in an environment that I had developed and obtained prior to meeting them. My ex would literally sneak and pay bills behind my back and could you believe I would get upset? I KNOW !!! You may be reading this like "that girl is crazy, I wish someone would help me pay my bills" but I was much younger then compared to now. Now let's be clear that even today I am still a bit skeptical with just letting someone pay my bills, but I wouldn't mind splitting some bills right about now. The cost of living today is much more than what it was when our great grand parents were shacking up, so I don't look at a man as any less of a man if he wanted to split the bills. Now what would make look at him differently is if he didn't contribute at all or at least played his part or carried his own weight.

So how do you decide the household bills? I have chatted with many male friends who believe the bills should be split 50/50 and I am not one to argue with that because saving 50% of your money every month is better than not saving any of it. I was told that a "true gentleman" would pay cover the household bills depending on how he was raised, because in the older days a man provided for his home. Now do I disagree with that? Not one bit, I wouldn't mind someone covering all the bills but after awhile I would probably feel uncomfortable about that. Some people are genuine caretakers and sometimes you have to be cautious of others. You may end up breaking up and next thing you know, your ex is telling everyone about how they carried you financially the whole relationship.

Do you determine the bills based upon income? What if your girlfriend makes more money than you? Does it turn into a 60/40 ordeal in your household? I stated to my friend that if I lived with my significant other and they decided to pay the rent in full each month then I would agree to pay for the other expenses such as, electric, gas, cable, and internet. I was told that's a fair agreement but at the end of the day it is about the discussion you both have with one another. If you are dating a man and he immediately indicates 50/50 split do you still consider him a provider? Do you look at him differently? Are you judgmental about his decision?

I personally don't mind the 50/50 deal, but it has to be rules and regulations behind the 50/50 plan. The bills must all be accounted for and identified for sure, and a joint account needs to be in place. Now this joint account would solely be for household bills and nothing else. If our household bills total $1200 for the month then the agreement is we both contribute $600 per month into this joint bank account. Anything outside of that doesn't concern me, your money minus that $600 is yours to do whatever you please. Again, the household bills is the priority to me. In a lot of relationships, discussing finances can be an uncomfortable conversation but what one must remember is that moving in together can be a great thing. So let me recap real quick with the top 3 options of living together with your significant other:

1. Split the bills down the middle.
Again, for many couples this is by far the easiest thing to do. It especially works great if both individuals have similar incomes .... and BOOM there we have it, INCOME!
Income is one thing many couples (not married individuals) couples hate discussing. I am one to agree because honestly why do you need to count my coins? Often at times when people are aware of what kind of money you make they try and use that to an advantage. Example: you make $15k more than me a year, you can handle paying the rent alone which leads to my 2nd option of living with your significant other ....

2. Split the bills based on percentage.
If there is a significant difference in the amount of money each person makes then a percentage seems fair, but please let the percentage be reasonable such as a 60/40 ordeal. Now let's be clear that the difference must be a meaningful difference in $$$. It can't be because they make $3-5k more than you a year, a good example of a significant difference would be if you make $75k a year and your boyfriend makes $50k a year, then ideally the person who makes the most amount of money would be responsible for 60% of the household bills. Sounds fair right? But just in case you don't like option 1 or 2 then it brings me to the final option of living with your significant other ...

3. Pick and choose.
Some couples believe in pick and choose. For example, let's say the agreement is to split the rent 50/50, great start, and then the remainder of the bills is a pick and choose. He may choose to pay the electric and water bill and you end up with the cable bill. Everyone has a responsibility when it comes to bills in the household.

Regardless of how you choose to split the bills, an amicable decision must be made and preferably before you decide to move in together. Many things change over the years, but one thing that remains the same within many relationships is the stress factor about money. Money is one of the biggest stresses in a relationship and the leading cause of many arguments.

... my mid life crisis in my 30's

I am not sure yet if being single in your 30's is a gift or a curse. Some days I feel like this is a punishment for not forwarding those chain messages I probably received back in 2005. Come on we all know those chain messages that said "forward to 7 people or be single for the rest of your life". But anyways, what I can say is that I have learned a lot of interesting and informational things as I journey thru my 30's in the peak of my "single-ness".

If you are single and your friends are in long term relationships, then maybe just maybe something is wrong with you. How many times have you heard that? Well fuck what they may say because your dope! Tell them Nye said so and don't believe the hype because all those long term relationships may be suffering and unhappy behind closed doors. Nothing is wrong with you. Some days I often feel like I am behind because I am single, but then most days I feel like I am right in the middle. In between the people who are in unhappy relationships and people in happy relationships. Sucks that society makes us feel that being in a relationship is such a valuable thing, and the pressure behind being in one to basically be apart of a status quo.

Most single individuals struggle with the knowing of if they are ready to settle down or if it's just peer pressure. But being single isn't all that horrible, it has its distinct advantages. You don't have to tell anybody where you are, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. You don't have to account for someone else's feelings or schedules, and heck if you wanted to pack up and move 800 miles away you can do just that. But, even though you have the mixed emotions and feelings you still may sit back and wonder "is something wrong with me?" When does being single bother you the most? For me winter and summer .... most people can understand winter because it's cold outside, a good Netflix buddy is always great for cuddling and snuggling but the summertime is that moment when you would like to be spontaneous and take a weekend trip to the beach, Miami, Vegas or even the Poconos.

..... and then there is online dating. A repetitive cycle, when one is bored we download the app, we surf thru the app, chat with hopefuls that turn out to be hopeless, become fed up and uninstall the app. THEN REPEAT several months later, LOL! But remember this, you may not find the person of your dreams after 500 swipes. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of even falling in love, I just feel like I can't be alone here. Then I realize that it takes so many things to align for this to happen and it's all about timing, not your timing but God's timing. Heck maybe even cupid's timing. And while many fall in love continuously, others take time. Remember Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't be shamed or judged for being single.