12 ways to a girl's heart.

alone.

I am in a current stage where I am learning how to be alone and be happy. Learning how to be alone without being lonely and losing my mind. Making time to be alone is important for our sense of self and individuality, self knowledge and some unwinding and R&R. 

Being alone is essential with learning how to stand on your own two feet again and the most important part FIND YOURSELF! Some people experience loneliness while others celebrate it. Most of us enjoy spending time with friends, laughing and meeting new people. Being alone can be tricky on the mind, as many of us fear being judged by peers when out alone doing things that seem to be meant for friends and companions, like dancing, eating at restaurants, and festivals. The reality is as humans we crave companionship. 

Loneliness should not be compared to the fear of being alone. We all have times when we are alone for situational reasons or simply because we have chosen to be alone. Being alone means different things to different people. Often many reasons why men and women engage into relationships is because of their fear of being alone. 

Sometimes when we choose to be alone we make ourselves lonely by shutting out the world, hiding behind our curtains and closed doors, shutting people out, and disconnecting ourselves from the world a bit. So if you are like me at times here are a few things we can try and do to learn how to be alone and NOT be lonely:

• take yourself out on a date; whether it is to a movie, an art show, spoken word, or even a local event going on in your city. This is something I am truly working on because often my mind thinks it's a great idea but then fear of going alone kicks in and I sit behind those shut curtains. 
• meditate daily; I have been told that meditation is one of the most valuable ways we can spend time alone and with ourselves. It introduces clarity, peace, serenity and focus into our lives. Even if it is just two minutes a day it's great. My biggest struggle is making time to sit with myself on a regular basis, so if you too are like me then let's start by making a commitment to just sit and breathe daily for two minutes. INHALE all the goodness and EXHALE all the bullshit. Then as weeks progress we can try for 3 minutes, then 4 and so on. 
• turn off your devices to the world and just disconnect; WHAT NO PHONE? Yes I know it's like someone taking our lifeline away isn't it? Even though our devices are a social connection to the world and people we love, the truth is they are also a gift and a curse. How often is it that when people have a negative experience they rant about it on Facebook or Instagram? Now if we disconnect from the world for awhile it allows us to self soothe. Often by disconnecting ourselves from external distractions, we develop much deeper connections with ourselves. 
• make time to sit each day and write about whatever is on your mind; I am still working on this myself. My friend in California vows by this and is always telling me that keeping a journal will bring me such peace. IT will allow me to write it all down, let it out and carry on. Journaling allows us to express our true thoughts without being judged. 
• travel alone; I for one do not agree with this but I think that once I experience traveling alone I will feel differently about it. 
• love alone. doing things alone allows us to realize that even though relationships are important, loving oneself must be at the foundation of any connection. So many of us want someone to love and someone to love us, but I have been told if you enjoy whom you are to walk alone, you will eventually see the value in not being followed. 

So let's learn to be alone and not feel lonely. Let us allow ourselves to relish in the blessing of life, and not allow ourselves to ever miss out on anything because we tricked ourselves into believing we couldn't do it alone. 

what you deserve.

You ever knew in your heart that the person you wanted was meant for you and realized after awhile that they didn't deserve you? People don't always get what they deserve in this world. 

Ever had someone tell you "you don't deserve me" or "you can do better than me" but you brush it off and don't believe them. Let's stop for a minute and let me tell you this, if someone EVER tells you such a thing BELIEVE THEM !!! 9 times out of 10 they are telling you for a reason. Either they like you or they don't, never try and convince someone of your worth. If a person doesn't appreciate you, then hell they don't deserve you. 

The only sure thing about life is that it is in constant motion. Days pass, season changes (winter, spring, fall and summer), people leave, people die, new beginnings happen and things end. The truth is there are some people we are better off without. There are some people who are just toxic in our lives and for our souls. 

There are a million reasons why we love people. The way they look in the morning when they first wake up (yes even their morning breath). The comfort and safety they give us. When someone leaves us who has mistreated us badly. or did us wrong in whatever way possible, hurt us whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally, psychologically, that disconnect between the brain and heart happens and we are often left with confusion. 

Ever sat and thought to yourself, how is it possible that I miss someone who made my life a living hell, someone who made me so miserable, someone who brought me so much pain in life? The brain immediately takes over with questions and thoughts for the days and the heart never knows what to say or feel. Maybe sometimes we miss people we shouldn't miss or that doesn't deserve us because we are questioning if maybe someday they would've been better, maybe one day they would've loved us like we wanted them to love us or how we felt we deserved to be loved, or showed they really did care about us. Often at times we are so connected to those few good memories that they become more like a lifeboat in such a sea of disappointment. *sighs*

What I have learned and I am still learning daily is that it is absolutely OK to miss people who have hurt us or who didn't deserve us. We are human, but it goes to show that our love for that person was so enormous they couldn't hold on. So again I say that to say this, go ahead - miss people. Miss them even though they don't deserve to be missed, hell sometimes not even thought about. Miss them because the reality is this, whether good or bad, they were a very real part in your life. That is something we can not take back. Give the memories so much more than they could have EVER given you in the flesh. 

moving on.

When we hold onto things and people that are toxic for us, it destroys our spirits in the most horrible way. Why is it so hard for us to move on from things we think we love? Why do we allow ourselves to become damaged goods before letting go and moving on?

Have you ever heard that theory "hurt people, hurt people"? Crazy right? But damn it's so true. And sometimes people don't even know why they are hurting but deep down inside their sole purpose is to make you feel how they are feeling, even though they don't know why they feel the way they do. *sighs* 

Now when I talk about moving on it doesn't necessarily mean relationship wise but other areas of life as well. It could be moving on from your current position/job, moving on and letting go of friendships that you may have outgrown or God is showing you that the purpose is no longer there, moving on and living life on your own terms (whether it means packing up and moving away from your family and comfort zone). In my years, these are all things I struggled with moving on from. Sometimes we get so content with what we have that we allow ourselves to believe there isn't greater! There is always greater .... 

I read a quote that said “It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.” 

― Nicholas Sparks

When you step into new life, you learn new things about yourself, you start to realize that your vision for life is different from people you spend time with and often love. And when years are invested into something, whether it's a job/career, friendship, relationship, etc we often want to live in the moment of it forever instead of letting go and moving on. 

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” 
― Tupac Shakur


I am a Virgo and I kid you not, we are the most over-analyzing sign in the whole wide world. We would spend weeks and weeks, even months analyzing something before we decide to just say "fuck it" and move on and realize that life can either be greener on the other side or not but regardless of the decision life will go on. I was in a "situationship" (that is kind of like a relationship but more of a situation) for about 7 or 8 years (maybe longer) on and off and me being the Virgo I am, I always analyzed my situation instead of letting it go and moving on. Why do we hold onto things and people who are toxic in our lives? Because often we are so scared to let go and more importantly scared to START OVER ! Another reason is often because of comfort and convenience it's like the silent killer of many things right after pride. 

We are afraid to let go because we are afraid of change. We are often afraid of what may lie ahead for us. Sometimes we really want to let go, but just don't know how. We loose things. professions, jobs, significant others, and friends throughout our whole life. Change comes when we need change .... let me repeat that because it touched me ..... CHANGE COMES WHEN WE NEED CHANGE. Otherwise we would never grow as people. We hold on to things that are not working out because we forget that better things are around the corner. We have no trust. Life is what you make it. Holding on to things which are NOT working, will not make you happy... You can't keep trying to turn water into wine... it'll frustrate you, annoy you, consume you... (there it is, high five ya neighbor and say "I know that's right!) LOL

Keep moving forward, let's not look back. This is another downside that many of us experience. When we decide to move forward and see that it isn't working out the way we want it to work out we immediately look back and think of things to do differently and try to convince ourselves to go backwards. "That is to say; if you have made a decision from your heart to do something, if your heart is true to moving forwards then, there is no need to look back. Our heads, our minds, our thoughts kick in because of outside influence trying to get us to look back. If it's coming from your head; and you feel yourself reaching back - there is a reason for it. If it is your head, mind and thoughts saying let go, but your heart simply can not let go, you need to remember what you truly want. This may be unresolved issues, or a basic need being unfulfilled, but there is always a reason why your heart struggles to let go." If we let go of things, 99% of time our lives will change, but the reality is that often we are more afraid of change than we are of death. What I am learning in my 30's is that I will never get what I truly deserve if I keep holding on to what I am supposed to let go (read the line over again it may apply to you). Letting go can be scary, but we have to let go of things/people who serve no purpose in our lives and what our mission is. By holding on and being afraid to move on, we hold ourselves back from what God has in store. 

5 keys to identifying your soulmate

Sharing a great video which was shared with me #stayblessed

is courting dead?

How aggressive is too aggressive when it comes to meeting and conversing with men? The dating game can be quite tiring but it makes it even worse when you meet someone and they are aggressive from step 1.

I always thought when you meet people, it's often about meeting somewhere mutual and getting to know each other. Court each other for awhile, go out on a few dates and see if the vibe is there and if you want to continue forward or say "thanks but no thanks this isn't for me". But lately I meet a lot of guys who obviously don't know the steps and procedures with meeting new females or maybe they are used to a certain statue of females. Maybe the word aggressive isn't exactly the correct one but as of right now I can't think of any other word but that one !

If I met you randomly on a Saturday afternoon what makes you think I would want to come to your house within 2-4 days and "watch movies and chill". Now I could be wrong but I never am so therefore I am right, but it is nothing great that will happen within 2 days of texting/talking that will make me want to come to your house and chill. Now some females may be down for this, for reasons of their own (often to be nosey and see where you live, etc) but me personally I will pass. My fear kicks in immediately. 1. I don't know you 2. you could be crazy 3. I don't know you (yes I repeated it because that's all I need to prove and nothing more) LOL.

Maybe after a month of chatting and hanging out a few times I may be a bit more at ease to possibly want to "chill and watch movies" at your house but it's nothing that is going to make me say yes after 2-3 days of texting/talking honestly not even after 2 weeks. People end up missing every day out here, women need to be more cautious. I want to meet new people but not risk myself in the process. Now if I decline your offer and you send me a "take care" text it often proves what my theory possibly was about you and makes me feel better that I kept it real and we can both carry on and keep it moving.

I have to always remind myself ... "I ain't for everybody"

Today's rant and words of "nye-dom"

Who. What. When. Where. Why.

thoughts on men ....

Whether it's 2 weeks or 2 months a man knows' whether or not he wants to be with you. Don't string a dead situation along hoping that you can revive it.


Live. Laugh. Love. Learn.

15 things to give up

Because we are always a walking work in progress <3

#stayblessed 

crossing the lines of friendship; is your best friend your perfect partner?

Well good evening, here we are again another blog for the masses. Do you see the image above? This is my idea as to what will happen if I were to date my best friend (the bottom half). In this day and age most females have male best friends and a lot of men have female best friends. But have you ever thought of crossing the lines of friendship? Have you ever crossed the lines of friendship? If so how was it, was it weird, did it last, did it die and your friendship died along with it?

I grew up having 8 brothers (I always lose count, my dad was definitely a rolling stone) so I always adapted to the male species a bit better than the female. So therefore I have always had a male best friend or two. I always felt like one of the guys so it was cool plus it's always nice to have a male's point of view on why we (women) feel they are assholes at times and wanting to know why men are such unemotional beings. But nonetheless I have had great male friendships.

Now, I have never thought to myself about crossing the lines of friendships but many people do and have. Now months ago I remember a friend telling me that her and her male best friend were going to take that plunge and work on being a couple. I thought to myself WOW and then right after I said why. Truth is our best friends generally know more about us than anyone else (besides God of course). So what would make someone really consider crossing that line and dating their best friend .... well I found a few reasons why after dope conversation and a little research.

• he's familiar with your bad side; truth is when we are in the dating world the first few months are a bit crucial. We pretend like we don't have a bad side because we don't want to scare this person off right away. Sometimes we downplay our insecurities and hide the fact often that we are moody, jealous or even angry. But in the case of dating your best friend you won't worry about all of that because he already knows all this about you and how to deal with accordingly, this is 1 reason why some people cross the line and date their best friend. 
• you're more/less aware of past history and relationships. Now who else have you shared all those horrible relationship and sexual experiences with besides your best friend? They have seen you date the lowest of low losers and much more. So you both are fully aware as to what each other is and is not looking for in a relationship. 
• comfortable with each other; truth is you can pass gas around your best friend, devour 15 pieces of chicken wings and beer and walk around without your wig and not have one care in the world. This is the comfort you want with your significant other, but in the beginning when we are dating it often takes a few weeks or even months before you feel comfortable enough to not let someone see you w out makeup or with your hair not done, etc. 

These are just a few reasons, but it kind of make you think that maybe the guy you have been looking for all along has been there all these years. In spite of all the good there is always a negative side to the equation. Now let me share some reasons why you shouldn't date your best friend; 

• way to comfortable with each other; now I know this sounds weird but it holds some truth. You already know everything about each other, he knows what you look like without makeup on so with that being said where does the effort come in?
• it can ruin your current friendship. THIS IS MY BIGGEST FEAR !!! regardless of how many times you guys go over the rules and come to the conclusion that you guys will not let it come between you if it doesn't work, it doesn't always end on great terms. 
• who will you run to for relationship advice??? EXACTLY !!!! now if I start dating my best friend who will I run to when the guy I am into doesn't call me and ask me how my day was? The one person who always gave heard your boyfriend/girlfriend problems is now the very boyfriend/girlfriend who is giving you problems. 
• because you already know everything about each other ! YES if I already know everything about you what fun will our relationship be? With nothing new to learn about each other it can make for quite a boring relationship. The relationship can end up lacking the spike of excitement that often comes along with learning new things about someone. 
• you will end up needing a new best friend; now if you begin to date your best friend who then becomes your wing man? Even though I always hear people say "my significant other is my best friend" they are still totally different things. One person can't fill the void of both, even if you feel that way you still need to have another friend to talk and confide in when that "significant best friend" is driving you crazy. 
• regardless of how much we may wish for the best, things may or will never go back to the way they were. So ironically if things end on a sour note it's no way that you will automatically jump back into being the best of friends ! 

Have you ever dated your best friend? Considered it? Did it work out? Let me know !!! ME personally I couldn't cross the fine line of friendship because all I fear is that it won't work out and then I will not only lose a boyfriend but I will lose much more .... my best friend. 

10 things that make you happy

OH AND COFFEE :-)

he's just not that into you ...

We all hate to hear this phrase especially as women, because we are often emotion beings and when we meet someone whom we feel like we can build with very often that person just doesn't want what we want. Do you know why we hate the phrase? Often because it's true. Yes and we have all heard the phrase "truth hurts". But it doesn't always have to. We have to be aware that often at times when we feel like we are love high and enjoying this new situation our partner may not be feeling the same.

Sometimes we are so consumed in our thoughts that we miss the red flags. So let's kind of review some of them and keep in mind there are exceptions ...

• he talks about his ex frequently; now it is fine to bring up an ex a time or two but often under very neutral conversation between each other. But frequently discussing your past relationships is tacky and it may also imply that maybe, just maybe that there are some still unresolved issues lingering in their mind, whether it's rage, resentment, doubt, or still a lot of love. This rule also applies to you too !!! Don't always mention your love life and it's contents, do remember it's the past for a reason right ? Now if he mentions the ex and it bothers you, then damn it let him know ! "Closed mouths don't get fed". Often in the beginning of a relationship, we are on our best behavior so it's not cool to showcase all your baggage immediately, besides it's not what we are here for. 
• he tells you he is NOT ready for a relationship; now this is a never ending line that women always hear from a guy very much to often too. Sometimes we disregard this statement when they tell us and continue pursuing these "unavailable" men. These guys flat out tell us that they don't wanna commit and yet here we are baking them cookies, bringing them lunch at work on your day off, engaging in naked sleepovers, and telling your girlfriends that's "bae" when he doesn't probably feel half of what you do. How could he not love you for doing all this right? But then again why should he when he is getting the boyfriend treatment without committing to being with you? We all have been in this situation, slap yourself a few times, better yet let a good friend do it for you ... the reality is he doesn't want a relationship even w someone as great as you. But as long as the perks continue on why wouldn't he stay? I mean I would, most men love a good home cooked meal and convenient sex. But you shouldn't have to waste your time convincing him otherwise, move on and bake cookies for someone who cares about you the way you care about them. 
• he still hasn't asked you out; now here you guys are texting and chatting for months and months on end but yet he hasn't asked you out on a date or to hang out. Interesting huh? Nope not one bit, he just isn't in to you. You should never have to force someone to ask you out.
• does he give you butterflies? well if not maybe he's not the one for you. Not to say you will get butterflies immediately but after a certain point some form of chemistry needs to be there in order for this to exist. 
• conversation/time spent minimal to none; do you guys spend time together? when you do is it mutual agreement or is it based on when he has free time or do you always have to set the dates up in order for you guys to spend time together? If so could be a sign he just isn't that into you. I always say that if someone is all about you and interested in you, then you would NEVER have to beg for their time. People make time for who/what they want to make time for. 
• more physical and less emotional? YUP you know what I mean ... calls after midnight or to me after 10 pm asking what you are doing and can he come over for a few or can you come to his house .... a man who is truly into you just doesn't want to get to know your body because it's so much more that you have to offer besides your body. Trust he would want to know everything about you mind, body and soul. 
• does he ask about your day? I know it may seem like something small but it definitely means a lot. When a man is into you he values what is going on in your life, even the little things !!! 
• does he pencil you in? you know the let me check my schedule ordeal ? if so then chances are he isn't in to you ... again people make time for who/what they want to make time for. NEVER feel like you have to force someone to want to spend time with you. 
• are you always wondering? If so it's not often a good sign, when a man is into you, trust you will know and never have to wonder nor worry about it. 

These are just some little things I learned over the years, and most of them are dead on. We often waste valuable time on someone who doesn't deserve it and time wasted is the worse. So instead of wondering if he is into you, trying to convince him why you are such a good woman and perfect for him face reality and let it go. Find someone who will give you exactly what it is you are looking for, trust me he is out there. 

Oral Sex ... deal breaker or no?

o·ral sex

noun

1. sexual activity in which the genitals of one partner are stimulated by the mouth of the other; fellatio or cunnilingus.

Doesn't it feel like you can talk about sex and the things surrounding it until you're blue in the face? Well here we are again .... sex .... but this time let's talk about oral sex. 

Is it a deal breaker if your partner doesn't like giving or receiving oral sex? Somewhere possibly in the year of 2000 and something oral sex became all the rage with my generation. Sex became not enough to satisfy the needs of most people. It was all about oral sex, sloppy top, licking the clit and so much more (maybe we can blame Lil' Kim LOL) but nonetheless it has become like a requirement for some people in relationships, just like when driving a vehicle making sure you always wear your seat belt kind of requirement. 

But the question is this ... can you still have a great relationship without oral sex? Foreplay is an extremely important part of having a satisfying sexual relationship. It's not always about how big his dick is or how far back her legs can go during sex and the fact that maybe she can do a split on your dick but the foreplay is what get's the show going for most if not ALL people in a sexual relationship. I mean if you and your partner are able to engage right into the sexual act with no foreplay then chances are your relationship is a bit predictable. 

Now oral sex can be enjoyable for the male and female and often an orgasm can be reached on just foreplay alone. But there are some people who just don't enjoy or engage in oral sex for their reasons and their reasons alone. They just don't like to give it or receive it. 

Some women who don't like oral may be a bit self conscious about how she may taste or smell down there, some may be uncomfortable about how they look down there also (since we are in the era of all females should get waxed stage), and some may only be comfortable receiving if the lights are out. 

Now although the majority of men do enjoy receiving oral sex, believe it or not there are men out in this world who do not ! yes I said there are men WHO DO NOT enjoy oral sex or to receive it. Some men are just as self conscious as women about receiving oral. Some men may hate the way their penis looks initially before it get's hard, some may think they carry a smell or odor down there, he doesn't want her to gag, or he may be afraid of her accidentally biting his knob. 

Now some guys need that oral sex to provide them with the extra stimulation to perform sexually at a higher level and sometimes women need that same stimulation. I know for some oral can definitely be a touchy subject, and I am not saying that you should be going down on people left and right. Partners should feel comfortable and be willing to perform these activities if it's something your significant other enjoys. I read somewhere that sex is like an entree, appetizers are nice and desert is even better but even without all the extra sex itself can be damn good. Granted sex is often about compromise, but keep in mind that someone with great sex might not give head, and someone may give perfect head but have mediocre (WHACK) sex. So with that being said one should really prioritize what it is they want and need in a partner, who knows maybe the stars will align and maybe it won't but if you are satisfied in many other ways w out the oral is it such a big deal breaker?

So if you love a girl/guy and they don't like to give or receive oral sex would you dump them? Just writing it made me think of all the people who would say yes (so childish). The truth is for someone to enjoy giving oral they have to enjoy what they are doing and enjoy giving it as well. I mean "it ain't for everybody". I mean slow progress is better than no progress but don't do it because you feel like you are being forced and may lose a partner over it. If you are that person who doesn't believe in giving oral sex don't just drop to your knees and do it willingly especially if your partner isn't asking. 

Now someone said to me "chicks who don't give oral is loosing!" I laughed and told him that's so untrue. I know girls who give oral on a regular and they still loosing, they just as single as the next female who isn't giving oral. It's not like oral sex is out here saving relationships and shit. 

"Oral sex can spice up your relationship and can be very useful for a closer bond. However many women have inhibitions and guilt associated with oral sex which has to be handled by her partner well. She needs to be convinced slowly rather than forcing oral sex on her. Obviously you cannot dump a girl just because she is unwilling to have oral sex on you."

If you are in a relationship in which you prefer not to give or receive oral sex, there are other types of foreplay that you can engage in to make your sexual experience satisfying. Instead of your tongue or mouth, explore one another with your hands or fingers. You can still stimulate partner with your hands and fingers. You can also incorporate a sex toy or vibrator during foreplay (now I am not for the toys and what not but honey to each it's own).

Remember, it is important to respect your partner and his or her comfort level.

Breaking Barriers: when to start having unprotected sex

So here we are again, another great topic to discuss the curious minds in the world. Sex but a little bit deeper into the realms of sex ... when to start having unprotected sex?

Now personally I don't know if it is really a time frame one can put on this question because everyone has their morals, values, fears, beliefs and opinions on this subject. Whether it's 6 months or even 6 years there will come a time when you and your partner may question each other as to whether it's necessary or not to use condoms anymore. This is really a topic that should be discussed with your partner but NOT when you are in the heat of the moment.

Whether it's a lack of access to condoms (which it should never be - especially when clinics damn near give them away for free), relationship status (boyfriend/girlfriend), or the all time favorite line "it just feels better" the decision itself opens up a lot of variety of risks. Risks can be sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and much more. I often hear women say "I am on birth control so I am not worried about getting pregnant" but birth control isn't 100% effective. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Even if you are it doesn't really allow you to immediately think you can have unprotected sex. But the reality is after awhile most people lose the latex and carry on .... but how long does one wait?

Many people assume that single people are just out here loosely having unprotected sex and that's not true whatsoever. And just because people are married doesn't necessarily mean that their relationship itself is monogamous either. So when deciding whether or not to drop the latex you must be assertive about a lot of things.

How much do you trust and believe that your partner is only sexually active with you and only you? This is where open communication is very key between you and your partner. That means having open and honest communication about past sexual partners, history and values. If your partner has had 10 sexual partners and didn't use protection with 7 out of the 10 what are your thoughts? Does it make you think that they are gambling with their health and now willing to gamble with yours? I have heard that the more partners someone has had the more likely it is that they have possibly been exposed to a STI (sexually transmitted infection). The next step is definitely to GET TESTED TOGETHER because when you both get tested together you are certain about it being done and it gives you both confirmation of a clean slate. Now if you eventually decide to ditch the latex don't ever feel that you can't change your mind and go back to using condoms, it happens. But the doors of communication should always be open.

Often many of us stop using condoms as soon as we're in a relationship or as soon as we think someone may be "boyfriend/girlfriend material". Before dropping the condoms a discussion must be had about where you want to take your relationship; now if your partner isn't on the same page about where you are trying to go then don't do it !!! Some things do come to an end, some relationships don't work out, but dealing with this change definitely requires much open communication. How much do you trust your partner? How serious is your situation? How long have you been in a relationship (a real relationship not still pressing the issue of making it official)? If you decide to stop using condoms do you have a back up plan (birth control) or are you prepared to take the responsibility that may come along with it (babies and is your partner ready for children too)?

When deciding whether or not to stop using condoms consider these questions:

• what kind of relationship am I in? (you may think your relationship is exclusive and your partner may think otherwise)
• do I TRUST my partner?
• are you being pressured to not use condoms anymore? (if so that would be a red flag to me personally)
• can you communicate OPEN and HONESTLY with your partner? (about the past - your partner may unveil some things that make you look at them differently and are you ready to hear it all and still look at them the same way)

So again, whether it's 6 weeks, 6 months, 1 year or 6 years the decision is solely between you and your partner but the trust and open communication should definitely be present and in existence. Also if you decide to drop the latex, get tested and start off knowing you both have a clean health bill moving forward.

THE SINGLE SOCIAL SCENE

Why does it seem the older you get the harder it is to meet people? Where do you go once you begin to enter the 30's to meet great like minded people? Remember when we were in our early and mid 20's and the ideal place (so we thought) to meet people was the club ... go out on the weekends or during the week and meet a somewhat potential who possibly purchased you drinks all night and had good conversation over loud music? When you think back you probably sitting there asking yourself "have I ever met a good potential in the club?"

So where do people go in their 30's to meet other singles? Now if you are like me and possibly a homebody you are expecting to meet someone great right outside your front door and it may not ever happen, unless that great guy/gal is the postal worker, UPS/FED Ex worker or ironically knocking on the wrong door. So let's talk about some potentially good places to meet single folks :-)

• the market; now I don't know if this holds truth because normally when I go to the market all I see is married couples and old men and when I say old men I mean my father and older age wise. So whether it's shopping in the mall or the supermarket you may be likely to meet a significant single other. 
• online (inserts red flag) now online dating and meeting has it's pros and it's cons. You never really know what to expect from online dating websites, a lot of stalkers, crazy folks, some good guys and some guys who are just looking for sexual relations. It is really time consuming often, and then you only get minimal information from a profile and after a few messages back and forth you decide "is this person worth giving my REAL phone number too?" Another scary thing about online dating sites is whether or not the person you are chatting with is really that person (we are all familiar with the show catfish). 
• church .... now I have had for years that church is a great place to meet singles and often people who have the same faith and moral grounding as you, but let's be clear all the folks who go to church aren't great !!! You ever been told often that most church goers are the biggest hypocrites? Some have this ideal image of how perfect they are and they aren't. 
• friends, now I don't know about you guys but I am not for my friends finding me a mate reason being because I have seen some of the people they have chosen for themselves and it hasn't been to great on their end so I will take my chances and find one on my own. Now if you have a bunch of married friends or friends who have been in long term relationships then hey, maybe your friends can help you. Just not mine LOL
• the gym. Now I use to be a gym junkie and I admit I would scope the men out to see if it was any potential there but the reality is 9 times out of 10 men are doing the same thing and it can sometimes creep us women out. But lately I have been realizing that there are more couples working out together in the gym - so there is the process of elimination. 
• restaurant or diner - I haven't tried this one yet that I can think of but next time you decide you want to treat yourself out for a quick bite to eat and a drink scope the bar area to see who else may be sitting there alone enjoying a meal too. 
• house party; not like the wild house parties when we were teenagers but more of the adult social mixers that grown folks have. The hope is that there will be plenty of singles around and you can test the waters. 
• social scenes; a nice lounge, Barnes and Noble, wine tasting event, paint night, weddings, the laundry-mat, Starbucks while grabbing a cup of coffee, the park, the beach, the boardwalk and much more. 

Seems like the resources are endless as to where to meet singles huh? So why aren't we meeting them? Reason why because it is TIRING !!!! It's like fishing, you can't expect to catch a great fish on the first outing. Especially if you don't know the rules or have experience. You will have to engage in it several times before you get a good catch, and even after awhile the bait will get bigger and bigger. Now let's compare that to being single and dating in your 30's, the first date may or may not be a great catch, but just like fishing you can decide to throw the bait back in and try again another day. After a few sessions you begin to learn the tricks, the ropes and rules and how to easily eliminate the bad fish from the good fish. 

So let's continue on with the process, even though it may seem never ending but Rome wasn't built in a day either. Love has no age limit, I am seeing more men and women finding real love in their 40's and 50's and getting married and even some are having babies. It's never to late .... 

is sex pivotal in a relationship?

piv·ot·al

adjective

1. of crucial importance in relation to the development or success of something else.

Let's talk about sex .... I mean we are all grown so let's have a grown folk discussion. Is sex a pivotal point in a maturing relationship or a relationship at all? When I mentioned that I was going to write about this topic to my best friend the first thing he said was "YES" followed by a bunch of emojis and what not ! But let's really discuss as to why it is or isn't .... of course it has some pros and cons. Just look above and read the definition of pivotal. Is sex that important in a relationship? I have had some folks tell me yes because a great sexual chemistry can often mean a great relationship (I DISAGREE). Sex is good when it's great but I personally feel it isn't pivotal. Let me share why ....

I was once in a relationship, a GREAT relationship, I mean I was held on a pedal stool so high I felt like I could give God a high five because that is how this person made me feel, how he treated me and respected me. It was dope, so dope I was like in shock. But his sexual game was horrible, now what is horrible to me could be amazing to the next person. And even though the sex wasn't a 10 or even an 8 our relationship continued on because it helped me realize that sex wasn't the most important part of the relationship, I was more infatuated as to how he treated me, how he made me feel when we spent time together, how I was a priority and not just of convenience. 

When you are younger SEX is EVERYTHING, and when you get a bit older it still carries it's importance but you realize that there are way more factors that are more important than sex. Believe it or not more couples who seem happy to their peers and society are often in sexless relationships; and sexless doesn't mean no sex at all but more so not on a consistent basis. These are people who can be happy and content with just having sex once a week or once every other week. Sometimes the importance of sex can complicate a situation. You ever dealt with someone or been in a long term "dead" situation with someone because the sex was so good? Don't lie raise your hand, put your head down in shame for a minute and mumble "she don't know my life" I mean just be honest. I am sure we all have been there. What kept us there? SEX !!!! We allowed it to play such an important factor that nothing else mattered. They probably treated you like shit, you probably had nothing in common, maybe you rarely went on dates, but one thing that always brought you guys together was .... SEX !!!
It was the pivotal point and only importance of your relationship. 

Now don't get me wrong, I often hear that people who have sex often are happier. Is it any truth to that? Possibly but I don't know. I have friends in relationships who still seem sexually frustrated. Now being that I personally am in this stage of abstinence this is a great topic, because sometimes a relationship (with a title) doesn't develop but a sexual relationship can occur. Some people are just fine with a sexual relationship and to each it's own. I remember when I read Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady..." and he had the chapter about the 90 day rule. It was interesting but the reality of it is you can wait 9 days or 90 days and it doesn't mean anything. If sex is your motive, it's your motive point blank period. 

I read in an article that; "sex is necessary to sustain a relationship and abstaining from sex is a bit unbelievable because people who are dating indulge in sex". To pretty much sum up the article it indicated a serious relationship can not survive without sex; again making it seem like the most pivotal part of a relationship. Believe it or not there are still people out there who don't believe in sex until marriage, and then there are some people who from experience would rather not have sex so soon in a relationship and make it the most important factor because it often doesn't end well. 

So again I ask how pivotal is sex in a relationship? Think of it like this, if you stopped having sex with your partner for a month, would you guys last? Would you have anything else to discuss, other things to do or like about one another outside of the sex? If by chance you think your relationship is built just off the sexual chemistry test the waters, go a week better yet 2 and see how your partner reacts. You may be surprised to realize that the glue that really holds you guys together is SEX !!! (don't be shocked) but take this as a little warning. Now if it proves to not be about the sex, extend the abstinence for another 2 weeks and then tell me how it worked out. Some people are shocked to see that once the sex dies down for awhile they kind of really start to look at their partner and say OK what else do we like or have in common besides the sex?!?

Love is <3

why do you want to be in a relationship?

Interesting enough topic, one I feel a great need to discuss because I am single and often I ask myself why is it that you want to be in a relationship? So this is serious. Have you ever sat back and thought to yourself WHY ... WHY DO I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

After endless conversations with single friends, associates and family members these were some points that everyone often mentioned:

• I want someone to love me and make me feel special and above all else feel worthy.
• I want to have kids (most of ALL my female friends say this)
• I don't wanna die alone (granted we never die alone)

But often people won't really indicate their feelings of wanting to be in a relationship, some folks want to be in relationship because:

• they feel empty and feel a relationship will end the feeling of emptiness (and often it doesn't)
• to be complete 
• to be taken care of (emotionally, financially, sexually, stability)

You are reading this like well isn't that the point of a relationship? For some yes and for some NO ! But really relationships are a healing and learning process, it allows many of us to heal from unbroken wounds, it teaches us how to love again, for many we grow in relationships, and we explore and discover new things we didn't know were there before. But what good is loving someone if you haven't fully learned to love yourself? I hear this a lot. Sometimes we want a relationship for all the wrong things which we think are the right reasons for wanting one. I am alone and being in a relationship will make me not feel lonely anymore - UNTRUE - do you know that there are plenty of folks walking on this earth in relationships and still feel alone. A beautiful experience about being in a relationship is sharing love with another person but in order to do such we must fully learn to love and understand ourselves first and foremost. Sometimes when two people come together to get love instead of learning how to grow together, heal together, understand compassion and all those other things the relationship doesn't last long. You have to be with someone who wants to give back the same things you want to give. I want to grow (your partner should want to grow), I want to give all this love I have to someone else (your partner should also feel like they have so much love they want to share with someone else), etc. 

At the end of the day only you can decide if you want a relationship. No one else can make that ultimate decision for you. Sometimes we lose focus on the fact that being single can also be great for us. Being single means we often get to find out more stuff about ourselves, make more time for ourselves, focus on ourselves a bit more (especially if you are a giving person). Take the time to figure out what it is you really want in a partner. Are you just wanting to be in a relationship for the "title" or are you looking for your rest of your life partner. You don't need to have a relationship for something sexual or intimate to occur. 

Is this how you feel sometimes? One thing I have realized is there is NO perfect partner. You aren't perfect so why and how could you expect to have someone perfect? We have flaws, insecurities, moments of shame, disbelief, things about us that we refuse to change and accept; so again why do we want someone who's perfect when we can't offer the same in return? The image blinds our reality more often than we should allow us, but again we are only human. I am starting to realize that is really about finding someone who is willing to accept all your imperfections and love you as you are, not so much about wanting to change you but willing to help you change if you are choosing to change. I know sometimes the word change can be so scary ... but the reality is it's hard at first, a little messy in the middle but the outcome is amazing. 

So again why do you want to be in a relationship? Kind of stems back to a recent post .. is it for comfort or convenience or are you wanting to be engaged in something that is for the long haul. So now when I think about being in a relationship I ask myself why? Is it for the title, is it because I don't wanna be alone anymore, is it because I am afraid to die alone and be the woman with 9 cats (LMAO) or do I want to share all this love I have for myself with someone else, for my long term life partner, and settle down with. With finding the right reasons we must try and avoid the wrong reasons:

• avoiding that lonely feeling 

because the weekends roll around and you have no plans or anyone to share it with. We get into bed at night and say "man I am a great woman/man why am I single? Often when we fear being alone we make HORRIBLE decisions (think about it).

• caving into social pressure

don't you sometimes hate social media? doesn't it seem like all your friends are married, having babies, in relationships, looking happy and smiling in "usie" photos with their significant other. We can't often be fooled by what we see from the outside looking in, most of the times your friends are miserable behind closed doors but those aren't pictures they post.

• filling the void

honestly no relationship can EVER do that ! that was my harsh reality for you guys. no relationship can ever fill us up - it's sort of like going to the gas station on E and saying give me $20 on pump 2 and hope to get a full tank of gas; trust it's NOT happening especially with these gas prices !!! Often VOID is that one little thing that makes us so damn vulnerable to the wrong relationships in the first place (think about it now). That void drives us to engage into something not because it is right for us but because again we are trying to fill that empty gas tank with only $20 (it's not happening). 

Being able to fully trust someone is important when trying to figure out a lot of things about your life as well as yourself. At the end of the day there will always be someone out there just for you and waiting for you. Being in a relationship is good for you, but also remember that there is no crime in being single either. 

Love is <3