It’s going to hurt until you heal …

 

Have you ever been in a dark place yet somehow God still used you to be a light for others? Every time I mention this line to others it’s mixed signals; some are confused as to how the two can be and others believe they know exactly the feelings that lie with what I ask. But have you ever been in a dark place? I mean so dark that even the smallest amount of light can’t creep inside. So dark that any ounce of sunlight doesn’t feel normal. It Takes Everything You’ve Got to Get Out of a Dark Place!

For weeks I have been comfortable in a dark place YET still found time to be a light for others. Celebrating others, making time for others, attending events, traveling, being of service, being a listening ear for others, consoling others, sending gifts, loving others, speaking life into others, making others smile and so much more. YET, here in this dark place, I was still being a light for others. In this dark place where you feel helpless. Where days blend into each other and time has no value. Self-care isn’t important and rest is the escape from reality. It’s a place where you don’t care too much about anything. It’s a period in your life when the world could hurt, and you don’t seem to care.

It’s going to hurt until you heal … When I felt uncomfortable, I would find a way to occupy my time and distract my heart. But distractions only last so long and the heart can only take so much! Many of us desire what we give to others yet don’t receive it. We count our blessings while waiting for blessings that feel like they may never come. We become weary from worrying about what’s next instead of focusing on what’s going on right now. For several days I sat in a dark place … with my thoughts, my feelings, God, my tears, and fears! Darkness has a way of recapping the light you’ve been allotted on all those other days. In these past several days post-hospital, post-doctor’s, post-darkness, work, and everything in between I have learned that sitting in darkness is beneficial, as long as we are able to find hope and give it purpose. I was prepared to let mine suck me in because I became content in such a space that provided me comfort.

Then I had a moment and it came to me as such … The darkness can feel very consuming, and often we feel as small as the stars in the night sky, but there is something else that is really significant for us to remember. At some point, every day, the darkness slowly shifts into light, the moon and the stars keep traveling, and the sun rises and night turns into day. In a Biblical sense to me, it means this

 John 1:5. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” 

The good news is that regardless of how bad things may seem or how bad things could get, there's always hope. You don’t need to sink in the darkness with light. You don’t need to replace negativity with positivity. You bring the darkness to the light. Like an offering. That means you honor what is first before you try to change it. Sit in your hurt. Wallow in your hurt. Feel your pain. I KNOW IT SOUNDS INSANE! But in my darkness, I have learned that you must meet yourself where you're at, before moving forward. Regardless of how many times you run from it, it will always meet you again until you sit in your darkness and heal … for some of us it will be harder than others but as Nora Roberts said, “There’s no reward without work, no victory without effort, no battle won without risk.” 

“To see a candle's light, one must take it into a dark place.”

 

 

... it's hard not to give up

 

"Sometimes it's hard not to give up on finding true love." - Unknown 

Finding love isn't always easy. Some days it feels like a mission impossible and then many days it feels like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Looking for love is like finding eggs for under $3 in this economy and even then you begin to question the quality of the eggs. Are they expired? What's wrong with them? Am I being punked? The list goes on and on. It's all an adventure! You get to go out on dates, experience new venues, learn new things, meet new people, and possibly maybe the love in which you seek. But the downside of it too is that sometimes you experience horrible dates, and questionable venues, learn things you wish you didn't, and meet people you sometimes wish you didn't! As we get older the journey absolutely becomes more frustrating than fun and the focus isn't about really having a good time but whether or not we're finding the right one. 

Love teaches us lessons whether we want them to or not. Failed relationships are heartbreaking, depressing, frustrating, and draining. Nothing is worse than wasted time and when dating it hurts to invest so much time and energy into someone only to walk away empty. 

Some of us get weary and we begin to settle. WE DESERVE MORE THAN SETTLING!

Finding the love that we desire requires sticking it out and waiting for just that to come along. Find someone who you're attracted to, who makes you laugh, respects you, can communicate openly and effectively, and enjoys spending quality time together. If you haven't found that yet, then why settle? We all deserve the best relationship possible and every time we choose to settle we lose a piece of ourselves and what it is we really desire. 

Finding love isn’t always easy. It can be disheartening and may even feel like a full-time job sometimes – but don’t give up! It's always easier said than done because personally speaking I have given up and tapped out. I am very well aware that giving up on love makes me feel that I am incapable of finding true happiness with someone; but sometimes the givers are tired of giving and for once would love to be on the receiving end of the stick. In the past self-protection has always been my defense mechanism and eventually, I begin to alienate myself from others.

I am a firm believer that none of us are here to be alone. Everyone we meet teaches us something whether we know it or not. It can be an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-spouse, an old friend, a current friend, a colleague, etc. Every person we meet is an opportunity to learn something new if we allow it to be. In the past my bad experiences use to leave a bitter taste in my mouth, but what it has taught me is how to move accordingly with people moving forward and that didn't happen overnight. 

It’s easy to be harsh on yourself when your love life is struggling. If you’re thinking about giving up on love, then you’re telling yourself that you’re simply not worth the effort — and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Maybe we are trying too hard ... maybe we aren't trying at all. 

Whenever you have those moments like I do remind yourself: 

You Are Worthy of Love

"It only takes one!" 💕

Growing through Grief

I've learned that grief is a process, not an event. There is no instant fix to suffering. There are no words for times like this or the moments one experiences. Neither pretty nor subtle words can ease your pain, take away the origin of what you suffer. Every loss is different. Grief is hard work and there is no blueprint or timeline that works the same for everyone. We all approach, handle and express grief differently. Some days will be harder than others. Some days you will feel as if you're barely existing. The one thing I am continuing to learn daily is to be patient with myself. 

Most of our pain comes from wishing things were different. That our lives didn't have to change from the pain. In grief, there may be many days when we feel devastated, preoccupied, empty and, yet, filled with loneliness. Other days may be a bit brighter, and it feels possible to grow from grief even though we know that growth may take time. Growth is rarely easy and almost always brings with it at least some measure of pain.  

When we are in midst of grief, the very idea that we can grow through this devastating reality seems so unacceptable, it seems unreal, and unattainable. We have no choice about loss. We have no choice about the grief that ensues. However we do have one choice within our grief. Grief will change us ... whether we want it to or not. Things will never be the same. We will never be the same. The choice we have is not whether we will change—but how we choose to change. We can choose to grow up or grow down. ✨

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." 

"Tears are the silent language of grief." 

"Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind." "There is no grief like the grief that does not speak."

🕊 We can have all the time in the world with people and sometimes it’s never enough and sometimes we aren’t given enough time for people to show us the world ... 🌹 in grief, there is no stage called closure. Little by little we let go of loss BUT NEVER let go of love 💕 We’re never ready to let go. I read something that said “life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” Because we often look at death as the opposite of life instead of apart of it. This thing we live called life is nothing but a brief intermission between life and death. I’m happy he uses me asmouthpiece from time to time. I’m dying inside to get there now instead of later. But praying my words to others suffice ✨💙

💘 Love Isn't Complicated ...

 

​​It may be safe to say that no one has ever loved anyone the way that person wanted to be loved. We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts even if they don’t stay in our lives. ​Love isn't complicated, people are. ​People make love more complicated than it should be. Love should be easy and fun. If you are loved and love someone, I see no reason why you should​n'​t be happy. ​{Alexa play Mary J. Blige "Be Happy"} ​I think that every female has been in a ​position​ where she has liked someone, but isn't sure as to whether or not he likes her as much as he may say he does. So, her mind tells her to step back and see if he will​ seek​ her. Sometimes it works in love and sometimes it doesn't.

The truth of the matter is - when someone wants to be with you ... you'll know! ​They​ will make sure you are aware of ​their ​intentions and ​their​ interest​edness​ for you AND ONLY YOU! ​Th​e​y​ will put in the effort and it won't go ​overlooked​. There are no games, no drama, no stress/pressure. I promise you that it is SO simple; people make it complicated. We are all guilty of going after people that are wrong for us, trying to make those people THE ONE, allowing ​ourselves to be stringed along because it feels right in the moment but in your heart it feels so wrong. Sometimes it's hard to walk away ... but always remember your worth. Always find the courage to get up and leave the table if respect is no longer being served! ​There's never anything wrong with having to eat alone for a while. ​Too often many of us waste our time with ​human beings​ who aren't sure whether we are the right one for them and one thing we can not get back is time, so why waste it! Relationships really aren't that complicated. ​People ​make them that way! Real love is simple. Real relationships are simple. When you’ve only had that complicated kind of love, when that’s the only kind of relationship you’ve ever known, you won’t know the difference until you’ve experienced a different kind of love - the real kind.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return {LIKE HELL - Alexa play Whitney Houston Why Does It Hurt So Bad} but what is most ​hurtful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel. A lot of times when we are in a relationship we love, we go through the ​unacceptable​, knowing that the ​acceptable​ that we get out of the relationship greatly outweighs anything else. Love is the easiest thing there is. Again I repeat ... Real love is simple. Real relationships are simple.​ Love isn't complicated ... people are!​ It’s the layers of doubt, fear, and expectation that make it complicated and the heart has reasons that reason does not understand. Always remember that the game of love and the people who play it is complicated, but love itself is not complicated. 💘

 

** Love is never complicated. Ever.​ **​​

✨ Healing ✨

2020 has taught me two things; 1. Healing is necessary and 2. How healing is a lifelong journey. Healing is not a destination or a one-stop shop. It indeed is a process that we must experience and endure with elegance, compassion, self-love, and above all else … humility. As one layer is uncovered in the process, then addressed and healed, another is almost immediately to appear, requesting for the attention of its owner – self. Life is always happening and that unfortunately is something we cannot control. It is an inevitable cycle of circumstances, connections, letdowns, accomplishments, and more. Despite experiencing many levels of healing, stemming from childhood and adolescent wounds, I realized as life continues to unfold itself in its peculiar ways, so do the inner layers within which need healing.

As humans we have a vulnerable soul, we have a heart filled with emotions, we have a mind loaded with thoughts, we have a body that serves to survive yet we have pain, which is oozing to be felt, we have scars that we are expecting to fade away and we have wounds which are patiently waiting to be healed. One thing I have learned is that it is important to know what you are wanting to heal from. It’s essential to acknowledge the heart breaks, grief, losses, and disappointments of your past in order to make progress.

One cannot heal without being able to find comfort. So often we suffer in silence because we struggle to recognize that our comfort zone is an unhealthy place for us to be in and fail to recognize that our pain is the center cushion in the comfort zone. Being honest and I mean brutally honest is the key element in the journey of healing. It took me awhile to be realistic with myself and it hurt, but I was able to understand and see the things as well as people that were beneficial for me and those that were damaging. Being honest with oneself takes being willing to get out of one’s feelings, one’s personal space and comfort zone in order to take risks. I never understood how important exposure was until now. I have been fortunate enough to be exposed to other environments and people and that have allowed me to see a purpose larger than the box I was socialized to be in. Sometimes we have experienced so much toxicity in our lives that it does not go away. But never allow those difficult experiences to hinder your growth or purpose.

“You cannot think you can heal from any pain, while you avoid it.”

Healing should not be viewed as a destination …  It is dangerous when we do so. You must start to view and discuss healing as a journey. It’s like how our bodies work …  We get hurt, we lose blood, the wound swells, we feel pain, then, the bleeding stops, the swelling reduces, the pain declines but the marks stay, etc. Same is how our soul works, yet it is more sensitive, but it heals by recognition, recovery of the memories, acceptance of the disappointments, tears for the defeat, remorse over the actions, and feeling whatever emotions you’re getting in your head and allowing it to be your remedy.

But unlike our bodies our soul does not come with a clock, we all vary and so does our time of healing. There is no timeline for healing. It may take days, it may take weeks, it may take months, it may take years, it may come back when any memory hits you again, it may come back no matter how far you have come or how much time have passed! And it pretty much sucks to be standing at the same point you thought you had moved away from and that is how it actually works; and we cannot remove it from our lives. The bruises that are physical are less harmful than the spiritual ones. It’s going to be hard, but eventually and slowly but surely, with the help of faith, no matter how grave the wound, it will be filled, no matter how long it takes, you will be Healed. And healing comes with a price, but it surely will be worth it. 💕

There Is No Right Time

Timing may not be everything. But it is something. We can never time things precisely without luck or faith and for the most part, timing is out of our hands. There will always be other aspects and other people involved. There is no "right time" for love, success, happiness, etc. And this is not because the right time does not actually exist because trust me it certainly does. But we will not know when it is right until we get to it.

We will always be shooting in the dark and only recognizing how precise timing was after the fact. Things will never be exactly the way you want them to be. No matter the subject, nothing will ever be perfect. What is perfect anyways? In life, things will never be perfect. 

Happiness is indefinable because circumstances in life are ever-changing. Happiness shows a difference from previous, sadder times. Happiness means that you have experienced a positive difference in your life and at ease with your life now and/or where it is heading. What we need to be happy is just one thing to be happy about. Often, we have to remind ourselves of the time in our lives when we did not have that one thing. Sometimes that one thing can mean everything!

 If you fully, truly want to be in a relationship with a person, it is always the right time. When it’s right, you find ways to work through the madness, sorrow, old pain, and exhaustion {excuses} of fitting potential newfound love into your life together. Everyone is different. We love differently and fully. We grieve differently. We hurt differently. But we are capable to love even when we are hurt! We all have loved someone with everything we had, and in the end, it just was not enough but don’t let it hinder new beginnings. Find someone who makes you feel excitement and gives you a passion that results in a burning fire and strength that is found behind their laughter. When you find that person who brings out the fire in you, don’t run from the feeling based on “timing.”

I have now matured enough, where I have learned to only look at someone as who they are are/becoming without labeling them. There is no right/wrong time... it’s always the right time to tell someone you’re attracted to them, or you care about them, if you truly mean it. Just like it’s always the RIGHT time when something good happens, regardless of if it happened by accident or it happened intentionally. Loving others is good.  It’s always the right time when someone makes an effort to love someone else. I always say, “People make time for who and what they want to make time for. Simple as that.” 

Some things just are supposed to happen naturally. But when is the right time to love? I think it’s always the right time, if you find the right person... Remember, there is no “right” time to fall in love with someone, so love deeply and fully and with no restrictions.

 

💗💗 Forgiveness Is Not A Feeling 💗💗

Forgiveness: noun: forgiveness; plural noun: forgiveness’s

the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

Often, we are told that fear is powerful enough to keep us from attaining our goals and living our best lives. But it's not always fears ... sometimes a thing that holds us back is forgiveness. This morning's message during service was titled "Let's Straighten it Out" in which the Pastor spoke about forgiveness. Many people say that they can't forgive because they don't feel it. Huh? What is it about forgiveness that we must feel? For a long time, it’s how my mind operated and during service Pastor said something that struck a nerve and made me say “WOW!” His words were:  

FORGIVENESS IS NOT A FEELING.  FORGIVENESS IS A PROMISE!

Think about it as such ... it's like trusting God or waking up in the morning. God wants both of these for us no matter how we feel, and he wants forgiveness in the same way. After all, hasn't HE forgiven us (and continues to daily at that) and we probably haven't earned it either. 

A wrongful perspective that many of us have about forgiveness is that forgiveness looks too much like letting people off when in fact it is not! But sometimes if letting people off is the price that we pay for having peaceful co-existence then so be it. We imagine that getting even is an end to it. But often it only formulates the ground for a new set of resentments, and so the wheel of anger, bitter and violence just keeps on spinning. Forgiving others who have harmed us is one of the most important things we will ever do.

“Our happiness, or lack of it, rises and falls on whether we choose to forgive.”

We struggle to forgive because of the misconceptions that we have about forgiveness. 

What forgiveness is and what it entails is: 

• Choosing to stop nourishing the anger and resentment toward the person who hurt you but letting out your hurt in a positive way.
• Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God.
• Actually, getting to the place where you can say to the person who harmed you, I wish for you a blessing on your life.
• Giving up your rights to get even.
• NOT USING THE PAST AGAINST THEM ONCE YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO FORGIVE!

In that same token let’s also be clear that forgiveness can be many different things to many different people but let me tell you WHAT forgiveness is NOT: 

• To forgive is to excuse or ignore the other person's actions. 

If you could reason to justify the behavior of the person who hurt you, then damn it forgiveness is not necessary. 

• Forgiveness will fix the relationship between you and the person who hurt you. 

LIES!!!! Forgiveness doesn't inevitably heal anything ... Just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have to trust that person again. ‘Forgiveness is a gift we give to others. Trust is something that is earned.’

• To forgive, I must feel forgiving. 

There go them damn feelings again! We let our emotional state dictate just about everything we do. Many things in life we must do as an act of our will. IF we act right, our feelings will follow. Again ... "Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. Forgiveness is a promise!"

• Once we forgive someone, they have the same rights and privileges they had before the situation occurred. Forgiveness will make everything be the same again!!! 

The reality is, even if you choose to forgive someone, and the relationship is healing, things still will never be the same again. 

• Forgiveness makes the person who is doing the forgiving weak.
• To forgive is to forget.

Let me repeat this for the people in the back ……

TO FORGIVE ... IS NOT TO FORGET!!!!! 

 Nowhere in the Bible does God tell us to FORGIVE & FORGET ... God just tells us to forgive. Forgiving others does not remove the memory of them violating you, hurting you, disrespecting you, lying on you, cheating on you or any of the above. It is because we remember that the need for forgiveness is real. (SO REAL) I can admit to being someone who struggles with forgiveness because my thought of it was, well how can I forgive if I can't forget? But the ugly reality that I am learning is when we choose to forgive someone we are not saying that we weren’t hurt or that you will ever forget that hurt because indeed it did happen; and the reality is that we can forgive, even if we still remember. But with forgiveness and time, that hurt will disappear. Forgiveness is not forgetting, avoiding, or excusing what has happened. You don’t have to feel forgiving to forgive someone and just because we choose to forgive someone, it doesn’t mean we won’t ever get upset and have to make the choice to forgive them again. BUT LET ME BE CLEAR … It also doesn’t mean our relationships must go back the way it was and sometimes the relationships are left just with that; forgiveness. Just because we learn forgiveness doesn't mean we have to allow the other person back into our lives to do things all over again. Learn to forgive, then move on. In spite of all these things we must forgive, and no one ever said that forgiving others is easy. BECAUSE IT IS NOT!!! Someone once said, “Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.” 

 

Forgiveness has incredible power.

The spirit of un-forgiveness and bitterness toward those who have hurt us is toxic to our soul and destroys any chance for a life of peace and happiness. One thing that comes with being unable to forgive others is we eventually build a wall and the problem with that is when you build a wall, no one gets in, but you do not get out either. Thus, you miss all that’s going on around you, all because you can’t let something go. So many of us are afraid to forgive because we are worried as to who or what we will be without the hate, unforgiveness, anger, and hostility in our lives. Some of us live our whole lives surrounded with unforgiveness, hatred, anger, resentment, and bitterness, so much so that we can't see or be anything else. Don’t let yourself become emotionally and spiritually exhausted by refusing to forgive. Remember: ‘Forgiveness is a promise, not a feeling’. We must choose to forgive, then we must practice it. The lives we live, our losses, our wins, etc. is what makes us who we are. The experiences we have had develops us into who we are now and/or who we are yet to become. But, to be the best at being us, we need to allow the anger, bitter, hate and unforgiveness to go. It is a silent killer. Stress, depression, stroke, etc. all caused by unforgiveness. To truly live, we must allow the process of unforgiveness to start. Being able to forgive is one of the strongest assets we possess. It will always prove that we are stronger than the person who hurt us.

 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi