Who isn’t on some level fearful or resistant to,
not just falling in love, but also living in love? Many
of us, but how many will openly admit it? Here I am, experiencing the fear of
happiness, the fear of love, the fear of intimacy. With that
fear we defend ourselves, self-protect, and self-sabotage when
it comes to love or the possibility of anything good!
Liking someone is easy. It's controllable. It doesn't hurt
you. You don't have to force it back like a tablespoon of “tussin”. It's
delicate, but in the best way. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a
real risk. We must place ourselves in a great amount of trust in another
person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel unprotected and
defenseless. Our core defenses are tested. We tend to believe that
the more we care, the more we can get hurt. We’re afraid to put ourselves out there
and be vulnerable with our emotions.
Love
is a risk, perhaps the biggest gamble we’ll take in our lives, let telling the
dealer “hit me” when you have 17 in a game of black jack but hopeful for a 4.
We make a choice to choose to put all our trust and faith into someone who,
let’s be honest, we don’t even fucking know. Crazy
right?!?! Love is that indefinable feeling that we’re all searching
for. Who doesn’t want to fall in love? Who doesn’t want
to be uncontrollably happy with someone else? Even those of us who claim to
not currently be looking for a serious relationship (those is me … I am
those) 😂😂😂– we have an unspoken
contract with ourselves that would all change if the right person were to
suddenly walk or “diddy bop” into our lives; because who would turn down the
opportunity of falling in love? Love is
completely different and way more complex, and that's my dear readers is why
it's scary. Scary like Nightmare on Elm Street scary … This blog post is for
the unprepared. Those who may have allowed the possibility of love creep up on
them. And let me reassure you this one thing; NO MATTER how ready you feel you
are, I guarantee that isn't enough. It may never be enough. And you must be OK
with that. When we engage in a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how
we’ve been impacted by our past. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, friendships
and even kinship's. Old, negative dynamics make us wary of opening ourselves up
to someone new. We find ourselves steering away from affection and intimacy,
because it stirs up those old feelings of hurt, loss, anger, disappointment or
rejection. “When you long for something, like
love, it becomes associated with pain,” the
pain you felt at not having it in the past or never having at all.
What I am starting to understand is that love is about being
OK. You must learn to be OK with rescheduled dinners, and
families, and the possibility of forever. You must learn to be OK with
sometimes coming up short because you don't know enough. Many of us scuffle
with underlying feelings of being unlovable. We have an uneasy feeling of our
own value and believing that anyone could really care for us. Why would they?
We all have a “dangerous inner voice,” which acts like a red headed stepchild
inside our heads that tells us we are undeserving and unworthy
of happiness. Love means not just spending time together but also learning
and understanding the element of spending time apart and being able to continue
with life and not melting down, being honest about the silliest things and even
the things we rather not be honest about at all. That's all tough to accomplish.
That “inner voice” can be damaging and unpleasant, but at the
same time it’s also comfortable in its familiarity. When someone sees us
differently from our voices, affectionate and appreciating us, we start to feel
uncomfortable and defensive, because it challenges who we are. BREATHE!!! 😣😖I
know it's weird. I know it’s much easier said than done, too. Truth be
told, being scared to love someone else isn't about the other person; it's
about you. You feel insignificant and confused. Tenacious views of not being
good enough plague you every waking moment and if you are like me even your
sleeping moments. But I am learning day by day that I am enough as are
you! Any time we experience true joy or feel the valuableness of
life on an emotional level, we can expect to feel a great amount of
unhappiness. I tend to be one of those people who will quickly shy away from
the things that would make me happiest, why. Because they also make me feel
pain. The opposite is also true. We
cannot selectively numb ourselves to unhappiness without numbing ourselves to
happiness. When it comes to falling in love, I’m hesitant to go “all in,”
for fear of the unhappiness it could stir up in me. Someone once said
to me, “You can never be anything worse than the demons in your own mind, so
free yourself of small worries and breathe”. The hesitation of
getting involved with someone, because that person “likes me too
much.” But one thing that love can often be is imbalanced, with one person
feeling more or less from minute to minute. Our feelings toward someone are an
ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can experience anger,
irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel
keeps us from seeing where our feelings would indeed go. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only
saps today of its joy.” ...
I rationalize to myself a million reasons I shouldn’t be in a
relationship. Nevertheless, the reasons I give often have doable solutions, and
what’s really driving me is the deeper fear of loss. Relationships bring up an
ambush of challenges. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the
best chance of finding and maintaining long-lasting love. Here’s
the deal: when it comes to relationships, the only thing we can be
certain of is uncertainty. We’re all a little afraid; some of us
simply choose to push through the fear, and some of us don’t. Not a
single person on this planet is fearless.
I now find myself trying to be the person who isn’t holding back
their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over her Shea Butter (raw)
emotions; because the only person I am hurting in the process is myself.
Worry about the what ifs, don’t worry about a future which you
eventually can’t control, and don’t worry if you are the person who seems to
always care more; because someone will always care more than the other. Allowing
worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting
to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from
forming a relationship that could really make us happy. Maybe even the happiest
we have ever been.
As rapper Drake's mama
said, "Who the f*** wants
to be 70 and alone?" Human
interaction is important, but love is essential. Stop worrying. Stop wondering.
Stop stressing. Love is hard but it is also easy. They call it falling in love
for a reason, right? But we must let ourselves go to do so without wound.
"Love from ourselves and other people can
help us feel like we have value. Deep down, we all want to be loved and
wanted." 💖💘💋
