💗💗 Forgiveness Is Not A Feeling 💗💗

Forgiveness: noun: forgiveness; plural noun: forgiveness’s

the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

Often, we are told that fear is powerful enough to keep us from attaining our goals and living our best lives. But it's not always fears ... sometimes a thing that holds us back is forgiveness. This morning's message during service was titled "Let's Straighten it Out" in which the Pastor spoke about forgiveness. Many people say that they can't forgive because they don't feel it. Huh? What is it about forgiveness that we must feel? For a long time, it’s how my mind operated and during service Pastor said something that struck a nerve and made me say “WOW!” His words were:  

FORGIVENESS IS NOT A FEELING.  FORGIVENESS IS A PROMISE!

Think about it as such ... it's like trusting God or waking up in the morning. God wants both of these for us no matter how we feel, and he wants forgiveness in the same way. After all, hasn't HE forgiven us (and continues to daily at that) and we probably haven't earned it either. 

A wrongful perspective that many of us have about forgiveness is that forgiveness looks too much like letting people off when in fact it is not! But sometimes if letting people off is the price that we pay for having peaceful co-existence then so be it. We imagine that getting even is an end to it. But often it only formulates the ground for a new set of resentments, and so the wheel of anger, bitter and violence just keeps on spinning. Forgiving others who have harmed us is one of the most important things we will ever do.

“Our happiness, or lack of it, rises and falls on whether we choose to forgive.”

We struggle to forgive because of the misconceptions that we have about forgiveness. 

What forgiveness is and what it entails is: 

• Choosing to stop nourishing the anger and resentment toward the person who hurt you but letting out your hurt in a positive way.
• Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God.
• Actually, getting to the place where you can say to the person who harmed you, I wish for you a blessing on your life.
• Giving up your rights to get even.
• NOT USING THE PAST AGAINST THEM ONCE YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO FORGIVE!

In that same token let’s also be clear that forgiveness can be many different things to many different people but let me tell you WHAT forgiveness is NOT: 

• To forgive is to excuse or ignore the other person's actions. 

If you could reason to justify the behavior of the person who hurt you, then damn it forgiveness is not necessary. 

• Forgiveness will fix the relationship between you and the person who hurt you. 

LIES!!!! Forgiveness doesn't inevitably heal anything ... Just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have to trust that person again. ‘Forgiveness is a gift we give to others. Trust is something that is earned.’

• To forgive, I must feel forgiving. 

There go them damn feelings again! We let our emotional state dictate just about everything we do. Many things in life we must do as an act of our will. IF we act right, our feelings will follow. Again ... "Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. Forgiveness is a promise!"

• Once we forgive someone, they have the same rights and privileges they had before the situation occurred. Forgiveness will make everything be the same again!!! 

The reality is, even if you choose to forgive someone, and the relationship is healing, things still will never be the same again. 

• Forgiveness makes the person who is doing the forgiving weak.
• To forgive is to forget.

Let me repeat this for the people in the back ……

TO FORGIVE ... IS NOT TO FORGET!!!!! 

 Nowhere in the Bible does God tell us to FORGIVE & FORGET ... God just tells us to forgive. Forgiving others does not remove the memory of them violating you, hurting you, disrespecting you, lying on you, cheating on you or any of the above. It is because we remember that the need for forgiveness is real. (SO REAL) I can admit to being someone who struggles with forgiveness because my thought of it was, well how can I forgive if I can't forget? But the ugly reality that I am learning is when we choose to forgive someone we are not saying that we weren’t hurt or that you will ever forget that hurt because indeed it did happen; and the reality is that we can forgive, even if we still remember. But with forgiveness and time, that hurt will disappear. Forgiveness is not forgetting, avoiding, or excusing what has happened. You don’t have to feel forgiving to forgive someone and just because we choose to forgive someone, it doesn’t mean we won’t ever get upset and have to make the choice to forgive them again. BUT LET ME BE CLEAR … It also doesn’t mean our relationships must go back the way it was and sometimes the relationships are left just with that; forgiveness. Just because we learn forgiveness doesn't mean we have to allow the other person back into our lives to do things all over again. Learn to forgive, then move on. In spite of all these things we must forgive, and no one ever said that forgiving others is easy. BECAUSE IT IS NOT!!! Someone once said, “Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.” 

 

Forgiveness has incredible power.

The spirit of un-forgiveness and bitterness toward those who have hurt us is toxic to our soul and destroys any chance for a life of peace and happiness. One thing that comes with being unable to forgive others is we eventually build a wall and the problem with that is when you build a wall, no one gets in, but you do not get out either. Thus, you miss all that’s going on around you, all because you can’t let something go. So many of us are afraid to forgive because we are worried as to who or what we will be without the hate, unforgiveness, anger, and hostility in our lives. Some of us live our whole lives surrounded with unforgiveness, hatred, anger, resentment, and bitterness, so much so that we can't see or be anything else. Don’t let yourself become emotionally and spiritually exhausted by refusing to forgive. Remember: ‘Forgiveness is a promise, not a feeling’. We must choose to forgive, then we must practice it. The lives we live, our losses, our wins, etc. is what makes us who we are. The experiences we have had develops us into who we are now and/or who we are yet to become. But, to be the best at being us, we need to allow the anger, bitter, hate and unforgiveness to go. It is a silent killer. Stress, depression, stroke, etc. all caused by unforgiveness. To truly live, we must allow the process of unforgiveness to start. Being able to forgive is one of the strongest assets we possess. It will always prove that we are stronger than the person who hurt us.

 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

As I think back on the relationships I’ve had in my life, I can say that for many of them I feel blessed. Blessed to have experienced them. Blessed for the pain they have caused. Blessed for the lessons they have taught me. Blessed for how some have broken me down but even more for how some have helped build me up! I’ve had work relationships that were for a reason. I’ve had ex’s and friendships that were for a season.

… And I have people in my life now that I pray are here for eternity.

I had to learn, and I am still learning to see each relationship as not so much a distressing loss, but this experience that I was fortunate to have in the first place.

No one likes to think of any relationship as temporary, but the truth is… people enter our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime. When we try to force relationships beyond their purpose, we often end up upset.

Someone once told me “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.”

REASON

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a necessity you or they have prayed for. God often sends someone to assist us through a difficulty, to provide us with direction and support, to support us physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. They are there only for the reason God needs them to be or vice versa. And often at times without any offense, the relationship will come to a close; sometimes we grow apart, sometimes one of us will walk away, sometimes people die, sometimes God completely removes them from our lives, sometimes they act a fool and you have to do what you have to do and take a stand. Sometimes what we fail to realize immediately from our “reasons” is that our requirements have been met, our desires have been satisfied; and now it is time to move on!

SEASON

Sometimes we find ourselves in difficult seasons. Trust me when I say, I think this has been the most difficult season after season I have experienced but I know deep down inside something “greater” will come from it all. For those who know and believe the word of God, then you have always heard that … It’s been said that we’re always in at least one of three seasons of life:

1.       We’re in the middle of something.

2.       We’re about to be in something.

3.       We just got out of something.

That “something” is usually a difficult season in our lives. It’s never really a matter of “will” we have a difficult season, it’s a matter of “when.”

When people come into our lives for a SEASON . . . It’s usually to help us grow, or to teach us a lesson. They may teach us something we may have never learned or have never done, had it not been for this specific season. Many will say that seasons bring eye opening understandings. They usually give you a new outlook on life.

Whenever you find yourself going through a tough season, remember God is not necessarily punishing you. Sometimes He must allow us to grow and learn through our poor choices in order for us to grow closer to Him. It may hurt or feel as though the pain will never stop. But remember, it’s only for a season. How long your season lasts solely depends on how long it takes us to learn!

LIFETIME

It’s been said that LIFETIME relationships teach us the most valuable thing of all times … lifetime lessons! They are often considered a gift from God so we must learn to cherish them. These are the relationships that we are blessed to have until one of you take your last breath. (Family, friends, your spouse. etc.) Don’t get me wrong they aren’t always going to be easy. All relationships take effort on both parts. Someday's you will probably feel like the relationship is not worth the effort that you put forth. Other days you will feel thankful that God has placed them in your life, wonder why He took so long, and hope that they will be around forever. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. So, think about all the people who have entered, exited, been booted, God removed, passed away, or just disappeared over the years … Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your journey. Or as Dr. Seuss once wrote: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

NEW YEAR ... DO YOU !!!

New Year New Me

A phrase said by people who don't realize that change happens when you make or someone else makes it happen, not when time passes.

This year is going to be the one when you put your own needs first, when you honor where you are no matter what, and when you identify the importance of self-awareness and what love looks like from the inside out.

I promise you that one thing I started to learn more and more every day is that nobody owes you shit. NOBODY. You owe yourself any and everything that you feel you truly deserve. For many years I downplayed myself. Downplayed my talents, my skills, and everything that was within me so that I wouldn’t outshine a coworker, friend, family member etc. In 2017 my brother was murdered and even though he had his troubles in the past, what I always knew was that he was my biggest supporter in anything I wanted to do. I could tell him I want to jump off the bridge and he would ask me if I have a game plan executed so it’s done properly. (bad analogy I know right) But to be honest, I remember when I got into fitness and thought it would be a hobby and it wouldn’t become nothing. My brother would always tell me it would become whatever you want it to become and he became the reason why I studied for certification to become a Certified Personal Trainer. My brother was great at everything!!!  I felt it was nothing he couldn’t do. He could build playgrounds, put a power wheel together in 20 minutes, and draw his ass off. When he was locked up, I would send him books to fuel his mind so that the walls wouldn’t consume his mind, and in return he would send me books that I would never read. Losing him put a void in my heart but it also reignited a lot of talents that I dumbed down for years. Talents that he fueled, and I didn’t.  Sometimes we deny ourselves our own happiness and it sounds crazy but it’s true. By dimming our lights for fear of how others may feel. By dimming our lights in fear of being greater than someone else. Or just by dimming our lights for fear of how bright we will shine. 

In 2020 … don’t dim yourself anymore, don’t downplay yourself, don’t be less than, don’t be afraid to shine! We all would love for people to love us and celebrate us in every single way, and many won’t. But as a friend, all we ask is that you are supportive and what I have learned is that not everyone will support and love you like you love them. I love and support mine hard, and everyone doesn’t have to see or understand your vision but just be encouraging.

So, no New Year, New Me …. Because resolution sounds strong, finite, and intimidating and often we fear those things … so to 2020 New Year, DO YOU and with pure intentions! To be able to keep a resolution, you also need to let it go … let go of any obstructive energy you might feel, such as frustration, pressure, or expectation. When satisfying a New Year’s commitment, all you can do is keep moving forward and put in the necessary time and effort. Even if you feel like you’re not achieving enough or going fast enough, do as Fredheim says and “trust the process.”

2020 is going to be all about setting ourselves up for emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical success. In order to do such greatness …  I'll share some ideas for a great 2020 💜💛💙

Make self-care a priority.

Self-care isn’t just one thing, IT IS EVERYTHING … and it’s not the same thing to everyone. Self-care means taking time to focus on things that contribute to your well being. Self-care can be taking a bath, going to the doctor or therapy, scheduling thirty minutes for yourself to read at night, or simply saying NO!

Breathe.

When you feel yourself getting worried or anxious, try taking a long inhale in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Even taking a few deep breaths throughout your day can help you relax and find more presence and peace, especially in tough situations.

Practice gratitude.

Gratitude is the attitude! There’s always something to be grateful for — waking up, a house (even if it is not a home YET), a job, the sunshine, fresh air (even if it’s snowing, raining or gloomy), friends, family. Instead of counting all the things that go wrong, count all the way things go right and watch things transform. Difficulties turn into opportunities and abundance becomes the name of the game. By focusing on what we have, we get more of that back from the universe!

 

Record the good, the bad, and the ugly.

One thing I have learned? The importance of writing things down. Writing things down feels good and it can help us get things out of our head so we can see the world from a clearer perspective. A journal can change your life.

Utilize mantras.

If you’re looking to fill your life with some more positivity, or just a reminder of how DOPE you are, you can try using mantras. Try making up your own mantras based on what you need at the moment. You can write these on paper and tape them on your mirror, then speak them to yourself each day. Repeat your mantra to yourself at least three times, or whenever you need a reminder of how FCKN DOPE you are. Switch them up and see what resonates and works best for you. My mantra for 2020 so far is ….

Surround yourself with things that make you happy.

If it doesn’t serve you, let it go. Repeat after me and then repeat it again:

If it doesn’t serve you, let it go.

Whatever it may be: FRIENDS, FAMILY MEMBERS, BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND, HUSBAND/WIFE, THE JOB YOU HATE, THE CLOTHES THAT DON’T FIT BUT YOU STILL SQUEEZE INTO …. DAMN IT LET IT GO!!!! Life is too short and way too uncertain to spend it surrounded by things that drain you. Surrounding yourself with people who fulfill you and not deplete you is vital.

2020 is going to be all about setting ourselves up for emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical success!!! Last but not least don’t forget to Be Kind to Yourself <3 … So, speak (and think) kindly to yourself and care for your body and environment.