READY ... YET ... afraid to love.

Being chill is so cool these days right? Love is still for suckers isn't it? Love is a risk perhaps the biggest gamble we'll take in our lives. It's like placing all your money on black not knowing if it will land on red. You just close your eyes while the wheel spins and pray. But what happens when the ball lands on red? You might curse, you may cry, you lose right? Then what? Does your life end at that moment? NO!!! Ok maybe for like two minutes but then ... You carry on ... some of you even go back next week and try your luck again. But why aren't we so reluctant to try again when it comes to love? We make a decision to choose to put all our trust and faith into someone who, let’s be honest, we don’t really know. Because how well can you ever know someone who isn’t you? Honestly speaking I don't even think I really know myself! Everyday I am "becoming" I would hope many of you are too. That's the beauty of life it's constantly changing. That's one of the misconceptions that people have when entering relationships is wanting someone to stay the same as when you first fell in love with them. But the reality is you can't, it's just unrealistic. People change. We change little by little each and every day. Ten years down the line, neither of you will be the same person you were when you first met each other. Some grow apart, some were never meant to be together, some stayed together much longer than they should have, and many stay together for all the wrong reasons that they feel are right. 

And even though I know all of this why am I afraid? Why are many of you afraid? We’re afraid to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable with our hearts. Many of you are probably scared of getting hurt for the umpteenth time, or trying so hard to protect yourself from ever experiencing that kind of heartbreak in the first place. Love often tends to be that "elusive" feeling that 99% of are searching for, I mean who doesn't want to fall in love? Wear matching corny outfits 🤣 have someone to travel with and take "bae-cations" with, always have a plus one when needed, and when your friends ask you to hang out you actually have a VALID reason to decline instead of saying yes and then just don't go! (cause I know I am not the only one who does that) Even those of us who "claim" to not currently be looking for a serious relationship, we have this kind of "unwritten agreement" that would all change if the right person were to suddenly walk into our lives and NOT just anybody because you have to understand the difference; because who would turn down the possibility of falling in love? For some reason, we just don’t have a lot of faith in the right person ever showing up. But what if it's not the falling in love part that I am afraid of ... what if it is the falling out of love part that scares the shit out of me! 

Truth be told: when it comes to relationships the only thing we can be certain of is uncertainty. And I know that sounds bat shit crazy, but I promise you if you were to think about it you'd realize it's the truth. And the truth is, we’re all a little afraid; some of us simply choose to push through the fear, and some of us don’t. I don't believe there is a single person on this Earth that is fearless. I once heard or maybe I read it somewhere that "the people who love less in this world are the ones who fail to learn how to give unconditionally." So in my new journey and wanting more love and life I said to myself that I don't want to be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person I end up hurting in the process is myself. Trying not to worry about the what ifs, trying not to worry about a future which I ultimately can’t control, and hopefully I won't worry if I am the person who seems to always care more. 

So if you are me and I am you then take note: 

• Don’t be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person you’re hurting in the process is yourself. 
• Don’t worry about the what ifs, don’t worry about a future which you ultimately can’t control, and don’t worry if you are the person who seems to always care more. 

We can't change who are we are because of fear of getting hurt or being disappointed. They often say that when a person hurts you it speaks far more about their character than it does about yours. So if we happen to find ourselves at the end of a seemingly ‘failed’ relationship (hell some of you may be there now), take a step back (some of you may need to take about five or six) and ask yourself, ‘did I love them with everything I had?’ That's the only question that matters and if the answer is yes, then you absolutely DID NOT fail ... you did everything right. You came in with an open mind, you laid your heart on the table, and you bared your soul in its entirety. The process just begins all over again, it's like placing all your money on black and it ends up on red. Pissed right? ... but you walked away, recouped the monies and found yourself back at the roulette table trying your luck all over again huh? Well it's the same thing with love ... walk away, recoup (girls/guys trip, bottle of wine - maybe two, a new hobby, something short lived though), then find yourself right back out there again ... the right person will, without hesitation, do the same for you. 💜

Thanksgiving Message

For many this is the most awaited holiday that couldn’t come fast enough and for others it’s a day that can’t come and GO fast enough. Everyone’s understanding, values and beliefs of Thanksgiving are different and how we choose to celebrate it. To many if not all, Thanksgiving is considered a day where many of us are setting aside time to give thanks for one's blessings, our gratitude in life, along with holding feasts to celebrate a harvest or in many families just holding a feast and preparing to watch that drunk cousin, uncle and/or aunt (heck maybe ya mama) act a fool 🤣🤣 and don’t act like we all don’t have one. 

But for many this is just another day. It’s just the fourth Thursday in November. Even though Thanksgiving brings many families together on this ONE day often we miss the true message of the word “thanksgiving”. It’s been said and written that celebrating "thanksgivings"—days of prayer was thanking God for blessings such as military victory or the end of a drought. Being thankful isn't just for the Thanksgiving holiday. Scripture tells us to be "thankful in everything, in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When we find ourselves overwhelmed with burdens and worried about tomorrow, we can praise God for who he is and his promise to never leave us or forsake us. We have been blessed with the free gift of salvation and eternal life! So on today, while many of you sit with your loved ones (or even the ones you don’t love but sit with them on today 🤷😖) I want you to take heed of the message and understanding of Thanksgiving. For today is just one day and when the day is done many will continue on with their lives and for many those family members we hugged and kissed won’t be seen for another 365 days unless death occurs. 

Thanksgiving is definitely a day that many look forward to, but it shouldn’t be celebrated just once a year. Our hearts should be filled with Thanksgiving every day. We should celebrate every day. We should always be thankful of all the blessings that we receive and appreciate that in which we do have more, than that in which we don’t have. Everyday is Thanksgiving because we have yet another day to create memories, another page in our life that we can direct and another day to fight our battles. So as you eat, drink and be merry today remember Thanksgiving tomorrow and the day after; and I don’t mean because of the leftovers but because of God’s grace and mercy. Give thanks for the new day & thanks for unknown blessings that are surely on the way. 

“It is not happy people who are thankful .... it is thankful people who are happy”💕💕💕 

I never cared much for the holidays, it was always a weird vibe for me, maybe because my family really didn't come together as much as others. But this one year (Thanksgiving 2013) I don't know how I talked my mother into this Thanksgiving dinner at our house. It was something we had NEVER done before, to have all my grandmother's children present, along with their children and their children, etc ... you all get the point right. This picture below captures everyone I want to say, minus 2 grandchildren and minus 2 great grandchildren who weren't even born nor a thought; because Monique didn't have an army of kids back then LOL ... This picture ended up being one of my favorite family photos for many reasons ... 

1. it showed me that I wasn't having any kids because it seemed we only made girls recently

2. majority of all of us were present

and the final reason why this ended up becoming my all time favorite picture

3. none of us knew that this would be our final picture taken with Mikey. Exactly one week later he died. And every time I look at this picture and my brother with his arm around him and me holding his daughter that he left behind it reminds me of how thankful I was that we were able to pull this event off and come together for this one day but saddened that we didn't do it more often ... because our next gathering was his funeral. 

Today, I’m aware of the fact that life is way better than I deserve. The world is full of pain and suffering, hardship, disappointment and regret. So the fact that I am learning to be much more thankful and mean it is, in its own way, a miracle. I’m learning there is a responsibility that comes with privilege. That I am blessed to bless. Gifted to give. Many of us are not lucky or fortunate; but what I have learned is that I am expected to do something with the grace I’ve been given. And so are you. Being grateful is a choice. 

So once the day has died down, take some time, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, to come up with a gratitude list. If it doesn’t come naturally, don’t let that stop you from still giving thanks. There is still much to be thankful for, if we only have eyes to see.

Happy Thanksgiving ⭐

Morning Message 11/14/2018

"Sometimes the weight you need to lose isn't on your body" Now let me be the first to say that I can definitely benefit from losing a couple of pounds and that's without a doubt, but in life with everything that can possibly be discussed it's always different levels and perspectives of it. Often at times we allow the people around us to get inside our minds and eventually some of these people talk us out of our blessings. People will try to get you to quit pursuing your goals, your dreams, your aspirations and much more, because they don't see the vision the same way you do and believe me that's fine. Let me remind you that we all don't have the same eye sight, my 20/10 visual acuity isn't the same as your 20/10 visual acuity. The reality is I see my dreams clear through my 20/10 and you see it only through your 20/50 visual acuity and that's probably why you wear those glasses. Basically, what I am trying to tell you is that you need to focus on growing relationships with those who will invest in your growth. GROWTH = Spiritually, Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, Financially, Socially, any good "ally" you can think of. Now let me be clear that when I say financially I don't mean someone who is going to take care of you either, but someone who is going to help you grow financially, by setting goals, helping you budget if you didn't do that before, having a savings plan, those kind of things, etc. 

You can do better! You deserve better! You have to be able to reassure yourself this daily. Sometimes, several times throughout the day too. Positive self affirmation is key. If you desire greater, you have to do greater. If you want better, you have to be better. Everyone that is supposed to be around you on your journey will be there ... and everyone else will either catch up later! But in order for many of us to get going we have to let go of some of this weight so that we can fly.  Is your spiritual well and clean? What are you holding onto right now that is potentially preventing you from moving forward in life?  Is there anything or anyone in your life that is dragging you down? If so really ask yourself WHY? Is it a grudge? Is it a hope? A wish that never came true? A fantasy? A desire? How long have you held onto it? Better yet the real question is how long has it held you in place? You’ve got to let go. We all are guilty, we all do it. But we have to let it go. Because it’s dead weight. Old news. In the past. Gone.

Not everyone will be happy for you. I mean come on, how many times have we heard this shit before?  Trust and believe me when I say that is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY okay because God did not create you to be a people-pleaser. OK, let me repeat that ...  Trust and believe me when I say that is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY okay because God did not create you to be a people-pleaser. He wants us to be our authentic selves without having to justify every decision we choose to make. Do you know how draining that is? Waking up each morning putting yourself down just because you made a decision that will benefit yourself? Do not allow the enemy to steal your joy because you want to be free from whatever held you bound. (1 Peter 5:8) Take everything back that the enemy stole from you and fight back.  (John 10:10) When you don't fight, you don't win. It is not worth you losing your hair, gaining all that excessive weight, spending less time with your kids or taking it out on your kids, your personal time, spending money anyhow,  or doing foolish things just for people to stay in your life or like you or even love you. Over the years and definitely more so recently, I have learned to LET PEOPLE GO IN LOVE , and it is not because they are bad people, but they just can’t go where I am heading towards. Remember God does not always keep people you expect to be in your life. When you are transitioning to a new season of life, the people and situations that no longer fit you will often fall away; don't fight the process .... LET THE WEIGHT GO !!! 🦋

  🦄🌃    "Living your best life is your most important journey in life."    

you never know what tomorrow MAY bring ...

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. 💖 There are many days in this lifetime in which we often try to forget but then there are so many that we want to remember. I guess it is safe to say that God has a way of placing you in a position where he feels you need to be even when you don't want to be there.

May 31, 2004; I lost a big part of my life ... my grandfather. I always thought that would be the hardest death I'd ever have to deal with and then in late 2016 I decided to leave from North Carolina and head back to Connecticut. No real game plan in mind, no clue of what was going to happen, no actual direction but all I thought I knew was that I was sick and tired of being in North Carolina and the time was now. In October 2016, it felt like a family reunion, my best friend was home and even though things weren't back to normal it just felt good to be around for a little while. Every year that I can recall you never missed a beat, every Mother's Day I received a card thanking me for not just being the best big sister ever but for being the other mother in your life, and then it became for being the other mother in Aniyah's life as well. For every dumb dream I had, you supported. For every idea you had behind those cement walls, I supported, whether by printing the resources you needed and mailing you the documentation to get started or ordering books by the dozen on Amazon for you to expand your knowledge because what many didn't know about you was how much of an intellectual you were.  Less than a year later the world came tumbling down. You know the saying, "cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be here anymore" and it's so sad yet so damn true. IT doesn't matter how much we try and calculate our days here on Earth, our time isn't determined by that of our own schedule's (Job 1:21).

Mother's Day 2017, you were actually home. Not confined to any cement walls, my card wasn't coming in the mail, I actually wasn't putting money on an account to hear your voice ... life was good. The first part of my day consisted of taking mom out to eat at her favorite place ~ BBQ's and the whole day I complained to her and Fallon about not getting me a gift LOL! I kept telling them all I wanted was flowers for Mother's Day. I wanted to be able to receive my flowers while I was alive, not when I was dead and couldn't see nor smell them. But as the afternoon settled and our date was done, I proceeded to drop mommy off to spend the evening with you and your little family, because even though I took her to her favorite place you cooked her favorite dish; prime rib or was it brisket? Either way, you always were here favorite, such a mama's boy! But you were my favorite out of all the brothers and sisters God blessed me with. I was able to see something within you that I always prayed one day you too would see within yourself ... in due time. As I got home, to my surprise I had a gift and immediately tears were coming down my face. Because all I wanted was for someone to give me flowers while I was still here on this Earth 🌍 and not wait for me to be dead and gone, and on my bed was my annual Mother's Day card along with a bouquet of flowers from you. I couldn't do anything else but cry. This ....was ..... US. 👫💕 My text to you read "next year I want a house, LOL!"

But deep down in my heart it could have been another card or no card just your presence & that alone would have been enough, but again in this world God has this plan that doesn't include what we feel we want nor how we want and definitely not when we want it. Sometimes God breaks our hearts to save our souls. He has a reason for allowing things to happen. For we will NEVER understand His wisdom, but we just simply have to trust His will. 13 days later I died ... 13 days later life ended ... 13 days later the ending was right there in front of me. May 27, 2017; my best friend was gone. When you were confined to those cement walls I dreaded those phone calls but yet and still I thanked God that you were where you were because society couldn't touch you and you couldn't become a victim or a statistic out here in these streets. But on May 27, 2017; my dreams from years ago turned into my reality. That phone call lingers in the back of my mind, it still touches my soul somehow, I still feel numb when I hear my god mother's voice crying on the other end, and can still see the images of me rushing to pick up our mom from work and get to the hospital. Me knowing that I needed to be there this time, because the last time you were shot you told the doctors not to let anyone in to see you while you were in the ER until I arrived. This ... was .... US 👫💕.... That's just what our relationship was and what it meant to you, and this time I had to be there. None of us were allowed to see you upon arrival, you were rushed straight to OR, they gave us no updates, we all just waited and prayed. Sitting in the hospital lobby waiting with worry in my heart not knowing what was going on was probably the worst feeling I ever experienced. As I looked around; suddenly in the hospital gift shop display there she was ... grandma 👼 !!!! It's crazy because at that moment, I thought to myself either she is here to take him home with her or she is here to assure us that he is going to be OK! Now no to anyone reading this, our grandmother wasn't there in the physical form but in Bridgeport Hospital's gift shop display case it reads "Daisy" with flowers and never in all my years of being in the hospital did I notice it until this very moment and I knew something was occurring. When they finally allowed our mom to head up to OR, it was horrible because the text read "he's gone" and I immediately dropped down to my knees in tears and everyone in the waiting room immediately knew what it meant. A bullet that wasn't meant for you, a life cut short, 13 days after I received my flowers while I was able to smell them my life had ended, 13 days after I had received my flowers now it was time for me to give you yours yet the only difference is you wouldn't be able to see nor smell them ... May 27, 2017 I lost my best friend. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was bury my brother, because when we buried you a major part of me was buried right along with you. Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished, but it hurts even more when you are just starting to write it together. For awhile, I questioned it all but now I am coming to an understanding of things that aren't meant for me to control. The reality is we will never have all the time we want with those we love ... but one thing for sure is the greatest gift my mother ever gave me besides life itself was my brother (best friend). 💛👫🙏

Life is a collection of moments. 

        💕