Single or Settle ...

Settling is an ugly, depressing word. But the pressure to settle can be very real, even if it is not communicated explicitly. People who are single after a certain age are often seen as "too picky" and urged to lower their standards. We learn that our worth is tied up in our ability to find a mate; that marriage marks the passage into mature adulthood and is our most important adult relationship; and that we are not complete until we find our other half. But where the hell is this written down at, what book is this published in? And then there is the issue of our "biological clocks," I mean it's no wonder that people feel rushed to settle down before they are ready, or before they find the right match. People in bad relationships are often just as depressed and lonely as people who are single. Given the importance of social connection to our well-being, it clearly makes sense that we seek out intimate relationships, but when fear of being alone drives our romantic decisions, it can lead us to engage in poor judgment and to choose relationships that are unlikely to last, that make us depressed, or even leave us vulnerable to abuse (mentally and physically). I remember reading somewhere that ... If we take the “musical chairs” approach—“When you take a seat, any seat, just so you’re not left standing alone,” we may miss critical warning signs that a potential partner is bad news.

Being single is not always bad as it has its benefits. Being single is an opportunity to build strong friendships, devote yourself to activities and causes that you’re passionate about, and develop a sense of self-worth and identity that is not attached to another person's love and approval. All of these things truly serve us well if and when we find our self's in a relationship: if you feel satisfied in your life independent of your partner, you may be less likely to have the unrealistic expectation that your partner can and should meet all your needs, an expectation. Settling is what I like to call the safe bet, whereas holding out is a gamble. There is a reasonable chance that many of us won’t find true love. But the payoff is so much bigger. For every story you hear about someone who was too picky and ended up alone and miserable, there is another story about someone who stuck to their guns and ultimately found someone amazing who made the wait more than worth it. Would you rather meet the love of your life at age 40 and spend 50 wonderful years with them, or be stuck with someone you didn't really connect with for your entire adult life? Settling for an unhappy relationship because you’ve already invested a lot in it is like going to a concert when you're sick with the flu, or continuing to invest in a company that is doomed to fail. Loss is inevitable; it’s just a matter of whether you get out now and lose less, or stay invested and risk an even greater loss.

Now let me be clear about a few things. Accepting a person’s flaws does not mean having to settle for them. People are sometimes too perfectionist about the qualities they want in a partner and reject potentially great people for superficial reasons (like not being tall enough, he didn't have a beard, he's light skin, she didn't have a fat ass, I couldn't read her instead of getting to know her, and all that other shit we feed ourselves) that will not prove to be what matter in the long run (like kindness & CONNECTION). But when you fall in love with someone, accepting their shortcomings doesn’t feel like settling. Rather than picking apart a person’s negative and positive qualities, we should look at the big picture of who they are as a person and how we feel when we are with them. If the relationship feels right as a whole; like fresh hot biscuits from Red Lobster or ya momma's biscuit (yes ya momma's biscuits, LOL) and the important bases are covered then there is nothing that needs to be settled for. RIDE THAT SHIT THE FUCK OUT!

Relationships!!!! URGH ...  It is a scary thing in today's world. At least, I think so anyways. No one never likes being called “picky.” You start to contemplate questions like, “Am I being too hard on men?” or “Is what I want unrealistic?” Entertaining the word “picky” is the gateway drug to settling. Many of us have had at least one relationship with an emotionally unavailable person who didn’t really want to commit. Then many of us have gone on multiple dates with someone, despite an absence of something, chemistry, connection — that thing that makes us excited to put down our book, our phones when together, or face inclement weather just to see someone. (YES you remember that one person who you'd drive out to see during that winter storm and risk being snowed in with!)

The truth of the matter is no one tells you what it looks like to settle. It doesn't have a face, no one knows what it looks like, some don't even know how it feels. I had a friend ask me before, “What do you think it means to settle? I mean, what is it, actually?” My answer is “It’s settling if you feel like it is.” The definition of settling isn't universal because settling is individually felt. You have to believe that what you're looking for is out there, even though you're yet to encounter it. What's heartbreaking is that today many people aren't designed to settle on connection. And what is connection, anyway? It can be described a lot of ways: attachment, support, understanding, history, etc, etc, etc. But I believe it’s feeling the endless potential for growth with a single person, someone who seems to help you become more, which might be harder to find than ever before.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for ending a relationship or staying single. When you are single, you embrace it for what it is: AWESOME or at least that's what it's suppose to be. So then, when you begin dating, you begin looking for something else. Not saving, but something greater than what you have alone. Truth is women don’t “need” a relationship for opportunities, as they might have benefited from one in the past. Women are pursuing more, independent, financially and in spirit burning our sage, drinking our water and so much more. So don't allow someone to label you as "picky" just let them know you're "selective" SHIT you have every right to be. Again I remind you ... You don’t owe anyone an explanation for ending a relationship or staying single.

So, the next time you wonder if you’re settling, ask yourself if it feels like you are. The next time you wonder what connection really is, and if you’ve ever found it, ask yourself if you’ve felt that “click” with anyone who seemed to provide genuine opportunity for growth whether it's together or apart. I am a firm believer in love and feeling your romantic decisions deep in your core, like mind, body and soul type core, no matter what they are, and no matter who on the outside does/doesn’t understand. There is no formula, no secret. Whatever love-seeking decision you make, it’ll cost you. Just about everything in life comes with a price! You may let someone go you’re not so fond about and be alone for a long time, maybe forever. And you might stay with them and regret your decision, always wondering if you could have found someone better.