Fear of Falling in Love💋💜

 

Who isn’t on some level fearful or resistant to, not just falling in love, but also living in love? Many of us, but how many will openly admit it? Here I am, experiencing the fear of happiness,  the fear of love, the fear of intimacy. With that fear we defend ourselves, self-protect, and self-sabotage when it comes to love or the possibility of anything good!

Liking someone is easy. It's controllable. It doesn't hurt you. You don't have to force it back like a tablespoon of “tussin”. It's delicate, but in the best way. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk. We must place ourselves in a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel unprotected and defenseless. Our core defenses are tested. We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt. We’re afraid to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable with our emotions.

Love is a risk, perhaps the biggest gamble we’ll take in our lives, let telling the dealer “hit me” when you have 17 in a game of black jack but hopeful for a 4. We make a choice to choose to put all our trust and faith into someone who, let’s be honest, we don’t even fucking know. Crazy right?!?! Love is that indefinable feeling that we’re all searching for. Who doesn’t want to fall in love? Who doesn’t want to be uncontrollably happy with someone else? Even those of us who claim to not currently be looking for a serious relationship (those is me … I am those) 😂😂😂– we have an unspoken contract with ourselves that would all change if the right person were to suddenly walk or “diddy bop” into our lives; because who would turn down the opportunity of falling in love? Love is completely different and way more complex, and that's my dear readers is why it's scary. Scary like Nightmare on Elm Street scary … This blog post is for the unprepared. Those who may have allowed the possibility of love creep up on them. And let me reassure you this one thing; NO MATTER how ready you feel you are, I guarantee that isn't enough. It may never be enough. And you must be OK with that. When we engage in a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how we’ve been impacted by our past. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, friendships and even kinship's. Old, negative dynamics make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We find ourselves steering away from affection and intimacy, because it stirs up those old feelings of hurt, loss, anger, disappointment or rejection. “When you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain,” the pain you felt at not having it in the past or never having at all.

What I am starting to understand is that love is about being OK. You must learn to be OK with rescheduled dinners, and families, and the possibility of forever. You must learn to be OK with sometimes coming up short because you don't know enough. Many of us scuffle with underlying feelings of being unlovable. We have an uneasy feeling of our own value and believing that anyone could really care for us. Why would they? We all have a “dangerous inner voice,” which acts like a red headed stepchild inside our heads that tells us we are undeserving and unworthy of happiness. Love means not just spending time together but also learning and understanding the element of spending time apart and being able to continue with life and not melting down, being honest about the silliest things and even the things we rather not be honest about at all. That's all tough to accomplish.

That “inner voice” can be damaging and unpleasant, but at the same time it’s also comfortable in its familiarity. When someone sees us differently from our voices, affectionate and appreciating us, we start to feel uncomfortable and defensive, because it challenges who we are. BREATHE!!! 😣😖I know it's weird. I know it’s much easier said than done, too. Truth be told, being scared to love someone else isn't about the other person; it's about you. You feel insignificant and confused. Tenacious views of not being good enough plague you every waking moment and if you are like me even your sleeping moments. But I am learning day by day that I am enough as are you! Any time we experience true joy or feel the valuableness of life on an emotional level, we can expect to feel a great amount of unhappiness. I tend to be one of those people who will quickly shy away from the things that would make me happiest, why. Because they also make me feel pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively numb ourselves to unhappiness without numbing ourselves to happiness. When it comes to falling in love, I’m hesitant to go “all in,” for fear of the unhappiness it could stir up in me. Someone once said to me, “You can never be anything worse than the demons in your own mind, so free yourself of small worries and breathe”. The hesitation of getting involved with someone, because that person “likes me too much.” But one thing that love can often be is imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from minute to minute. Our feelings toward someone are an ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can experience anger, irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would indeed go. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” ...

I rationalize to myself a million reasons I shouldn’t be in a relationship. Nevertheless, the reasons I give often have doable solutions, and what’s really driving me is the deeper fear of loss. Relationships bring up an ambush of challenges. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining long-lasting love. Here’s the deal: when it comes to relationships, the only thing we can be certain of is uncertainty. We’re all a little afraid; some of us simply choose to push through the fear, and some of us don’t. Not a single person on this planet is fearless.

I now find myself trying to be the person who isn’t holding back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over her Shea Butter (raw) emotions; because the only person I am hurting in the process is myself. Worry about the what ifs, don’t worry about a future which you eventually can’t control, and don’t worry if you are the person who seems to always care more; because someone will always care more than the other. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy. Maybe even the happiest we have ever been. 

As rapper Drake's mama said, "Who the f*** wants to be 70 and alone?" Human interaction is important, but love is essential. Stop worrying. Stop wondering. Stop stressing. Love is hard but it is also easy. They call it falling in love for a reason, right? But we must let ourselves go to do so without wound.

"Love from ourselves and other people can help us feel like we have value. Deep down, we all want to be loved and wanted."  💖💘💋

Personal Conversation ...

People are often telling me, "God won't give you more than you can bear," or when someone is experiencing difficulty in their lives, we often say to them, “Don’t worry, God won’t give you any more than you can handle.” But the truth of the matter is ....

Yes, God Will Give You More Than You Can Handle

I have been writing and writing in journals for so many years and when I have those random moments in which I look back through them I often read, “God, I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know what to do ... I give up, I quit, if it's your will, why me, why can't it just be over, etc." Over the years circumstances in my life have been nothing short of overwhelming, everything crumbling, and my world literally fell apart within 365 days year after year after year for about 4 years straight and counting. Real talk, it has been so many days when people have come alongside me and tried to reassure me by saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” & the first thought was to punch them in the face all while saying "are you serious? HE sees all this pain I am carrying yet I continue to endure more ... so does he think I'm built Ford tough?" 😕 When we are down and out and feeling discouraged, having a bad day, heartbroken, missing a loved one, etc; hearing those words don't mean SHIT and can cause us to feel like we aren't measuring up. It causes us to ask, “why can’t I handle it?”

Truth be told, God never told not nann (yes NOT NAAN) one of us that HE wouldn't give us more than we can handle. A few ugly truths are this:

1. There will be times in life when you will feel like you are drowning. 

2. There is no one to help you.

3. IT. WILL. HURT. LIKE. HELL ❗❗❗

Suffering doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It doesn't send a text message or put a reminder on our calendars. It may come slowly or unknown and often unseen and with a vengeance, but it doesn’t ask permission, and it doesn’t care about convenience, feelings, or fucks given for that matter. There’s never a good time for your life to be shattered. Trials come in all shapes and sizes, but they don’t come to show how much we can take or how we have it all together. Mind-boggling suffering will come our way because we live in a crippled world with damaged souls (people). And when it comes, let’s be clear that by no means whatsoever that we have what it takes to handle it. God will truly give us more than we can handle—but not more than HE can! Even though the words are meant for reassurance they can often serve as discouragement. Sometimes it can even tempt us to ignore our suffering and pretend it’s not there. It can lead us to believe the lie that we can do it ourselves; that we can handle it and the truth of the matter is WE CAN NOT! We stumble so much because we fail to recognize that sometimes we can’t make it on our own.

The verse most often quoted to support this is, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13) "Paul pointed out that we always have a choice: engage in sin or run from it. The promise is that God will always provide a way for us to run from it. Let’s be clear: Paul was talking about temptation, not suffering."

With temptation, we have a choice, but with suffering we often don’t have a choice. A few months ago, I remember being out with some colleagues and getting a text that read " ... in ICU she's holding strong but the doctors gave a tough report today. Sorry to text you with not good news. Love you.💗" I was already in suffering mode and the actual conversation happened shortly after. For days and days, I tussled with whether to fly home or just wait for the call and be ready for the end results. Sometimes, it seems as no matter how prepared you may or may not feel, you are still never really ready! I ended up flying home and just remember driving straight to the hospital from the airport , and I just sat there and wept 😢 and thought to myself, “I’d do anything to NOT have to experience this pain again” yet “I’d do anything to NOT let Jessica experience this pain alone.” It was one of the most powerless feelings that I was experiencing for the 4th year in a row all within another 365 days. Trust and believe that I did not choose this. My family did not choose this. In moments like these we feel utterly destroyed.

“This is too much for me!” A forever kind of thought. Those same words I have written over and over in many of my journals, even still till this' very day! Even Jesus has cried out, Matthew 26:38 “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” What I am learning in this lifetime and from my past time is it’s OK to feel like we can’t handle it, like we are going to give up. We can cry out, our souls can be empty, and there will be bad days. I believe that the reality is, once we are able to come to terms with who and what we are; and become aware that life will indeed give us more than we can handle, we find an assurance (BLESSED): God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain. Makes perfect sense why they always tell us "cast our fears, worries, suffering and pain on God..." But even this can seem like a stale phrase. Because when it really hurts, I mean really hurts, like stubbed your toe against the door, couch, or bed kind of HURT .... God can seem so far away. This is where good friends and good friends in FAITH come in. You will help each other to move ahead, and you will need each other far more than those stale phrases. It is without a doubt that life becomes unmanageable, and you must have someone who is willing to walk alongside you; whether to hold your hand, hold the umbrella to weather the downpour, or chase the clouds away. Learning to be there for one another in the midst of all the anguish.

When we are willing to rest in the pain of one another, to ride out with one another when life’s highway turns problematic like I-77 during a morning commute (or any time of the day at this point) or I-95S if you didn't get on the road before 7AM, and to accept one another’s burdens when they are too heavy, we personify something so much greater. While life can sometimes be too much, through the goodness of HIM we become a living and breathing testimony .... many of us become a

Personal Conversation

Single or Settle ...

Settling is an ugly, depressing word. But the pressure to settle can be very real, even if it is not communicated explicitly. People who are single after a certain age are often seen as "too picky" and urged to lower their standards. We learn that our worth is tied up in our ability to find a mate; that marriage marks the passage into mature adulthood and is our most important adult relationship; and that we are not complete until we find our other half. But where the hell is this written down at, what book is this published in? And then there is the issue of our "biological clocks," I mean it's no wonder that people feel rushed to settle down before they are ready, or before they find the right match. People in bad relationships are often just as depressed and lonely as people who are single. Given the importance of social connection to our well-being, it clearly makes sense that we seek out intimate relationships, but when fear of being alone drives our romantic decisions, it can lead us to engage in poor judgment and to choose relationships that are unlikely to last, that make us depressed, or even leave us vulnerable to abuse (mentally and physically). I remember reading somewhere that ... If we take the “musical chairs” approach—“When you take a seat, any seat, just so you’re not left standing alone,” we may miss critical warning signs that a potential partner is bad news.

Being single is not always bad as it has its benefits. Being single is an opportunity to build strong friendships, devote yourself to activities and causes that you’re passionate about, and develop a sense of self-worth and identity that is not attached to another person's love and approval. All of these things truly serve us well if and when we find our self's in a relationship: if you feel satisfied in your life independent of your partner, you may be less likely to have the unrealistic expectation that your partner can and should meet all your needs, an expectation. Settling is what I like to call the safe bet, whereas holding out is a gamble. There is a reasonable chance that many of us won’t find true love. But the payoff is so much bigger. For every story you hear about someone who was too picky and ended up alone and miserable, there is another story about someone who stuck to their guns and ultimately found someone amazing who made the wait more than worth it. Would you rather meet the love of your life at age 40 and spend 50 wonderful years with them, or be stuck with someone you didn't really connect with for your entire adult life? Settling for an unhappy relationship because you’ve already invested a lot in it is like going to a concert when you're sick with the flu, or continuing to invest in a company that is doomed to fail. Loss is inevitable; it’s just a matter of whether you get out now and lose less, or stay invested and risk an even greater loss.

Now let me be clear about a few things. Accepting a person’s flaws does not mean having to settle for them. People are sometimes too perfectionist about the qualities they want in a partner and reject potentially great people for superficial reasons (like not being tall enough, he didn't have a beard, he's light skin, she didn't have a fat ass, I couldn't read her instead of getting to know her, and all that other shit we feed ourselves) that will not prove to be what matter in the long run (like kindness & CONNECTION). But when you fall in love with someone, accepting their shortcomings doesn’t feel like settling. Rather than picking apart a person’s negative and positive qualities, we should look at the big picture of who they are as a person and how we feel when we are with them. If the relationship feels right as a whole; like fresh hot biscuits from Red Lobster or ya momma's biscuit (yes ya momma's biscuits, LOL) and the important bases are covered then there is nothing that needs to be settled for. RIDE THAT SHIT THE FUCK OUT!

Relationships!!!! URGH ...  It is a scary thing in today's world. At least, I think so anyways. No one never likes being called “picky.” You start to contemplate questions like, “Am I being too hard on men?” or “Is what I want unrealistic?” Entertaining the word “picky” is the gateway drug to settling. Many of us have had at least one relationship with an emotionally unavailable person who didn’t really want to commit. Then many of us have gone on multiple dates with someone, despite an absence of something, chemistry, connection — that thing that makes us excited to put down our book, our phones when together, or face inclement weather just to see someone. (YES you remember that one person who you'd drive out to see during that winter storm and risk being snowed in with!)

The truth of the matter is no one tells you what it looks like to settle. It doesn't have a face, no one knows what it looks like, some don't even know how it feels. I had a friend ask me before, “What do you think it means to settle? I mean, what is it, actually?” My answer is “It’s settling if you feel like it is.” The definition of settling isn't universal because settling is individually felt. You have to believe that what you're looking for is out there, even though you're yet to encounter it. What's heartbreaking is that today many people aren't designed to settle on connection. And what is connection, anyway? It can be described a lot of ways: attachment, support, understanding, history, etc, etc, etc. But I believe it’s feeling the endless potential for growth with a single person, someone who seems to help you become more, which might be harder to find than ever before.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for ending a relationship or staying single. When you are single, you embrace it for what it is: AWESOME or at least that's what it's suppose to be. So then, when you begin dating, you begin looking for something else. Not saving, but something greater than what you have alone. Truth is women don’t “need” a relationship for opportunities, as they might have benefited from one in the past. Women are pursuing more, independent, financially and in spirit burning our sage, drinking our water and so much more. So don't allow someone to label you as "picky" just let them know you're "selective" SHIT you have every right to be. Again I remind you ... You don’t owe anyone an explanation for ending a relationship or staying single.

So, the next time you wonder if you’re settling, ask yourself if it feels like you are. The next time you wonder what connection really is, and if you’ve ever found it, ask yourself if you’ve felt that “click” with anyone who seemed to provide genuine opportunity for growth whether it's together or apart. I am a firm believer in love and feeling your romantic decisions deep in your core, like mind, body and soul type core, no matter what they are, and no matter who on the outside does/doesn’t understand. There is no formula, no secret. Whatever love-seeking decision you make, it’ll cost you. Just about everything in life comes with a price! You may let someone go you’re not so fond about and be alone for a long time, maybe forever. And you might stay with them and regret your decision, always wondering if you could have found someone better.

And maybe someday ... You and I. AGAIN 💕

“I was trying to be his wife. 

Yet he couldn’t divorce the streets....” 💔

It’s crazy that sometimes love isn’t even enough to save a relationship. 

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts like hell !!!"

Dear Summer ... if my moment didn't come right on time, yet at the most craziest time of my life, but we not know the time nor place right? OPPORTUNITY presented itself yet again. This set up was nobody but God, maybe even my mother, but regardless of who provided it, nonetheless it was there! Who said 2nd chances don't happen like we want them to? I mean there he was, still fine as ever (to me), still gave me butterflies, and did I mention still fine as ever? I felt like the girl from high school and the young woman in her early twenties all over again. But y'all know I "smized" and kept it moving. Small talk and all smiles .. I swear I still don't know what it is about him!

But he and I reconnected ... FINALLY ! 

When we reconnected I didn't think our situation would become anything more than two old souls reconnecting and hanging out. Honestly, in my mind I didn't even care, because I knew I was more than likely leaving back to North Carolina if I decided to accept this job offer on the table and no one in the family knew that but Lisha. But here we are several months later and I find myself still wondering what we could have been. I never knew what to consider us so I refer to myself as "the one you let WALK away".  I am the one you let walk away because of fear. I wish that you believed and understood the power in second chances because I think that things would have been a lot different. We could have been  having 2 a.m. breakfast dates at Waffle House because those always seem to be your functioning hours. We could have been rainy Sundays spent in bed and late Friday nights passing notes on bar napkins or at the movies. We could have been weekend vacations out of town or to the beach and spontaneous flights just so you could see more of what life has to offer. We could have been so many things but instead, we are nothing.

I wish that things had worked out differently because in my eyes I saw so much potential, but maybe I saw too much. Many will say that timing is everything when it comes to relationships, and besides friends and fears it was many things you needed to work on, but then again, so did I. Maybe one day in a few years we will run into each other again and the timing will be right; maybe third times a charm! But until then, if you are reading this just know that we could have been great. We still could be. 💕

If an opportunity is presented to you to be with someone you don’t want to lose and you allow fear or others to help you make the decision of whether to stay or go then rightfully so you deserve to be sad and stuck right where people leave you. But never allow the opinions of others who aren't happy and experiencing life to dictate yours ... 

My take away and lessons of life and love have been:

1. Life is about risk 

2. No one can speak on your situation with someone better than YOU ! 

3. Change can be good, it’s all about your perspective.💜 

If you’re afraid to love wholeheartedly then you’ll never experience life. 🦄✨

Life after Death

In moments when we are expectant of something we wait and then when it occurs we often feel stuck, unsure and confused. It's like our mind and body is reprocessing it all over again. That defines me in this moment. 💔 But even in the midst of all things unknown and uncertain one thing that's for sure is that God is real and in due time he will heal. The most valuable piece of information I had ever received during my time of sorrow was "don't allow anyone to dictate how you should grieve" because it may not hit you today or tomorrow; it could be 6 months from now or a year or possibly even 2 or more. Anticipatory grief is the thief that steals joy from the present. It's unshakable. Seemingly happy moments aren't so happy anymore and without warning you are swarmed with emotions. You want to spend every day living for each moment. But instead, you spend most days gripped in fear, panic, helplessness, and all the emotions in between. 

When it comes to dying, it can be unpredictable and last only a few minutes, or you can see it coming from a distance and it’ll last months or even years. It’s always hard to lose a loved one. What I can’t decide is if it’s harder to lose someone without notice or if it’s harder to watch someone fight that battle and lose every single day. Losing someone unexpectedly comes with a lot of uncertainty. Recently, I’ve known what it’s like to watch a loved one die and unexpectedly all within a year. A year ago today my mother lost her battle to cancer – one that started only 3 months priors to her succumbing. Three months of cancer quickly killing her body. Two months of constantly feeling ill and being in pain, and toughing it out, being confined from hospital to hospital to rehab to hospice. I sat by her side day in and day out, deprived of sleep, missed meals, prayed hard, and cried a lot. We all did. We did what we could to make her comfortable. There were close calls, yet all we could do was wait. I was already at terms with what was inevitably going to happen, but still waiting to suffer. 

"The thing about dying is that it isn’t something that you can put off. It’s not something that will just go away if you quit thinking about it, and it’s certainly not something you can say, “I’ll take care of it tomorrow.” Whether you’re prepared or not, it’s going to happen, and on its own terms, too. It’s not something you can negotiate, and even when you want it to come, it still won’t listen."

I kept waiting to get that phone call or text message telling me that she didn’t make it through the night on the days when I was at work or the nights I didn't stay with her at the hospital. I hated seeing her struggle the way she had, yet it was hard to imagine a life without her in it. There is no chance to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean those things I said" and have an actual conversation. I remember telling her that if she was ready to let go, then it was okay to let go! 😢 Crazy right? I was just so at ease with what was happening that I knew God would take care of me but it was clear that he needed her too. I had nights I was scared to fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I feared I would miss her taking her last breath while I was there. 

July 5, 2018 .. 8:56 AM I remember it just being the two of us in the hospital room listening to the playlist of songs I wanted played during the funeral. Smokie Norful - "I Need You Now" & every word just hitting so close to home:

"If I never needed you before

To show up and restore

All of the faith that I let slip

While I was yet searching the world for more

The truest friend I have indeed

You are my best friend I know in me

I stretch my hands to thee

Come rescue me

I need you right away

The agony of being alone

Fear of doing things on my own

The test and trials that come to make me strong"

Time was winding down because they assured us you wouldn't make it through the 4th of July and you proved them wrong but I knew it was coming. About an hour later, I realized the breathing had become quieter. Her breathing became even and slower, like someone sleeping. At 9:53 AM or so, she breathed one breath and stopped. She breathed one more and then stopped again. There were no more breaths after this. I just remember hitting the call button for the nurse and saying "she's gone" and within minutes medical doctors and the hospice nurse came to confirm. Within a matter of minutes I sent out the family group text and it was over. I didn't get the "I love you" I wanted but I felt I got something much greater in the end. Her final days were filled with family members in and out of the hospital and to be alone, just the two of us in her final moments gave me peace "many who are first will be last ..." 💜 I feel honored to have gotten to be there with her until the end. I feel honored to have cared for her during her final hours. 😌

What you don’t realize until it happens is that even if you had weeks or months or years to prepare, it doesn’t hurt any less to lose someone you love. We are supposed to gain comfort from knowing they’re in a better place surrounded by other deceased loved ones where they aren’t feeling any pain. How selfish the human flesh can be to want those we claim to love to remain here in pain and suffering. We can have all the time in the world with people and sometimes it's never enough and sometimes we aren't given enough time for people to show us the world ... in grief, there is no stage called closure. Little by little we let go of loss BUT NEVER let go of love. He gave me 35 years with my mother and even though many years I felt motherless, even on her death bed all I wanted her to tell me was that she loved me, and just to hug me a bit more in this lifetime, one thing I find myself doing much more is thanking God for all the lessons I learned from her. There are so many people in this world who didn't have any years together with their mother for whatever reason ... God could have given me 35 more years with her and I'd probably still be selfish when he called her home. The truth is we are never ready to let go❗❗❗

I read something that said "life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." Because we often look at death as the opposite of life instead of a part of it. This thing we live called life is nothing but a brief intermission between life and death. 

The reality of losing someone after watching them die is that you will still feel empty. You will still feel numb. You might even feel a sense of unfairness. Watching someone you love die is one of the hardest things you may ever do. There were times when I sat in my car and cried and thought about how hard this was. “God why her, why right after Dre?,” I’d say to myself. It was harder than battling depression. And at times, I honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it through. I often feel as if I was deprived a great relationship ... the mother-daughter relationship is like no other. When your mother is gone there is no secure base to return to for a mother’s support and comfort. Daughter's feel it again with every year, every change at every stage of her life. You never outgrow needing your mother in life. Even though she has transitioned, I have many moments where I feel very disconnected from life happening around me. I want to be alone and quiet and just think about what her and my brother are doing in heaven; especially on days when I feel as if I am suffering here. I want to think about them so hard with hopes to feel their presence. I want to know that I did things right by her and did not cause her to suffer any greater than the cancer and other illnesses did. I want to know that she is not scared or in pain and yet I also don’t want to worry about any of these things. 

1 year later and yet many days I find myself in that sunken place. My soul isn't quite at ease but I get up everyday; and try and make the most of everyday hoping that the day doesn't make the most of me. They always tell me, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers ... and as much as I bend,  HE has never let me break. I've learned that there are battles in life that you will face alone and then there will be many that will align you to be of service to others in their time of need so they won't have to face it alone. Pain and suffering are such horrible essential tools of growth! "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." #thankyouGodforthesuffering #thankyouGodforthepain 💕🙏🕊 

Stability ....

Stability ...
: the quality, state, or degree of being stable: such as
a: the strength to stand or endure : FIRMNESS
b: the property of a body that causes it when disturbed from a condition of equilibrium or steady motion to develop forces or moments that restore the original condition
c: resistance to chemical change or to physical disintegration

Every year something changes .... every day something changes ... but over the past year I started to question the whole being "single ordeal". How it has changed me, how it continues to make me ask all the questions I should've been asking years ago and if I did maybe I wouldn't be single now.

This was my first year doing a "husband vision board" and YES I know that shit may sound crazy to some of you but trust me it's something that women do. In the mist of creating my vision board I had to plan it out, because on this board you are suppose to put characteristics of what you want in your spouse, images of the kind of things you will do together, goals as a couple and so much more. This board really opened my eyes, made me think deep down inside and actually come to realization that the stability I always wanted with someone whether it's financially, mentally, does he have goals, what's his game plan in life, etc. and so on .... & then as I considered all of those things I said to myself "girl are you stable?" Like be for real with yourself! Some of us are homeowners, have great jobs, know how to save money, and all that good jazz; but even though all of that is considered stability to some "are you truly stable?"

Truth be told money shouldn't ever be the deciding factor, in any relationship and for me personally it's NOT the absence of money; it's more so some men's lack of a plan or motivation to become financially stable. I’m a natural cheerleader by heart and if my heart is pure for you then I may even lend you money and teach you some things and root you on your quest to financial stability…but if someone isn’t motivated, how much longer should one stay in the stands cheering for them? 

You begin to analyze other factors, determining your compatibility, writing out your pro's and con lists ... comparing personalities and so much more. I’m currently in those whole dating in your 30's phase, and I hate it with a "thug passion". (some will get it) I know that dating new people and getting to enjoy all the exciting “firsts” that come along with new relationships is supposed to be a fun time (trust me in your 30's it's total bullshit most days), but as someone who is just tired and ready to quit, I’m often too scared to dive in, for many reasons. I just don't want to find myself draining my resources (mental, financial, love, etc) to someone and get nothing in return because I can't get this energy back after I give it away. I believe in taking care of the people you love, and being taken care of back. I believe deserving women should be treated like a ~queen~ and showered with gifts or free meals (sorry this fast got me hungry, LOL). But I do believe in teamwork, and I most DEFINITELY believe in give-and-take.

Again, everyday is a learning process in this thing we call life. I’m still living and learning, and developing a more stable list of non-negotiable terms moving forward in any possible relationship I decide to engage in. But what I can say is that with all the thoughts, lessons learned, lessons learned from friends and their relationships and social media 5 lessons I gathered from it all is this:

• You shouldn’t choose someone to date based on whether or not they make "good money" and if you have a definition please explain what "good money" is to you ... but you should choose someone to date based on whether or not they have goals and aspirations. How and what are they doing with their money? Some people can make all this "good money" yet are sitting in debt ... (we can save this for another blog topic)
• It will never be your job to fix someone else’s financial mistakes. Or any other mistakes they make. You can be there to support them, and you can even help them clean up their mess if you want – but it isn’t your responsibility. NEVER EVER ... let me repeat that one just in case someone skimmed right over it .... It will never be your job to fix someone else’s financial mistakes. Or any other mistakes they make. You can be there to support them, and you can even help them clean up their mess if you want – but it isn’t your responsibility.
• If the person you are dating makes you feel shitty about what you do for a living ... well I shouldn't have to say it but they may not be the person for you. Shit, I have friends who feel they have shitty jobs and as a friend I tell them they shouldn't stay, I offer to fix their resumes, hell I even send them job listings to help them get out!!! And if someone you are trying to "be with" can't even offer you support well ... you already know what I am going to say. PERIOD !!! 
• If you ever spend money on your partner because you think you need to in order to gain their affection/forgiveness/attention, your relationships just as unhealthy as a double stacked bacon burger with onion rings on top and bbq sauce on a toasted bun (urgh ... sorry the fast again LMAO but you got the picture right?) But let me be clear because I am not against buying my man gifts, whatsoever !!! Hell my friends get random gifts from me in the mail almost every month ... or a random cashapp$ and my note may say "lunch on me today!" but please don't ever and I mean EVER EVER EVER find yourself spending money on him left and right to try and impress him, or prove to him that him that you are worthy. (here Queen let me help adjust your crown it was slipping, but I got you!) and last but oh baby definitely not the least .... 
• If something feels wrong, it probably is. When you spend time with people who are treating you right and truly being good to you, you really realize the little red flags that you missed with the fuck boys I have been told that in good relationships, you really do feel fuckin' good. If someone is treating you right,you aren't worried about if they are cheating on you, or being dishonest with you. In a healthy relationship, you shouldn't ever feel like someone is slipping from your grip, and forcing you into overdrive and draining all your energy on trying to prove them otherwise. When someone is treating you right, your chakras are in alignment. If you don’t feel that way, it might be time to reevaluate. 

Stability ... honestly, I just want a partner who is passionate about the activities he’s partaking in. Someone who is ambitious enough to chase after his list of endeavors and hell even make a list of endeavors that we can chase together. I want a partner who possess a mentality to know better than to settle for anything in life .... PERIOD .... complacency breeds mediocrity and steals all of your potential in life. It's always good to have pressure on yourself; the worst crime you could ever commit is complacency of self. Reminder: "great things never came from comfort zones!!!!"

New Year .... New You !!! Dear 2019

"Greater is coming....."


Often at times we kill ourselves worrying and wondering why things didn't go the way we planned, the way we wanted it to go, according to our will. But the reality is that many times God has told us that the reason why people have betrayed you, turned their backs on you, cheated on you, lied to and about you, walked away from you without reason, has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is because He has removed them from your life because they cannot go where He is planning on taking you next!!! We fail to realize that some will only hinder us in our next level of life because they have already served their purpose in our lives. Even the people whom we felt have betrayed us are apart of the plan.

At every next level of our lives, everybody can't be in the room. Let me repeat that ... at every next level of our lives, EVERYBODY can't be in the room. Some people need to watch the show from the outside looking in, some need to hear about it via word of mouth, and many may just need to catch the snippets on your social media page if they aren't blocked/deleted. When you are being aligned for something greater, you can't talk power moves around people that don't have the same hunger or intentions as you. Some may think you're bragging, some may think your being arrogant, cocky, conceited, whatever word you choose to use.

Learn to let GO and leave whoever needs to be left behind. It could be your significant other, your mother, your sister, your brother, cousin, best friend, etc. Often we fail to realize that people who refuse to grow with us simply can not go with us. We allow emotions to block goodness, because we convince ourselves that just because someone has been by our side for years and years on end that they are entitled to come along with us to each proceeding level that life has in store for us. But please let me be the first and last person to tell you this before 2018 ends ... NO ONE is entitled to anything pertaining to the life that is yours. At some point in our lives we must come to the realization to realize that everyone can't go with us to the next level and this is why:

SOME PEOPLE ARE SEASONAL ....

I read a statement about seasonal people and it said "some people are like leaves on a tree ... they are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves ..... as soon as the wind blows or it gets cold in your life they are gone!" Everything about that hit my soul and I said WELL GOT DAMN! And let me make this clear that if you fail to believe that you have seasonal people in your life than that's because you my dear may be the SEASONAL friend. Let me be clear that it's nothing wrong with "seasonal friends" because just like the seasons of the year we give and take what's needed from them and we move right along. Just like when Summer is over and we miss the warm weather; we may miss them too but we pack up our summer clothes and get ready for Fall.

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE WHERE YOU'RE GOING !!!

Not everyone is going to be able to handle where you are going and the sooner you allow that settle within your soul, the sooner you will stop getting all twisted and bent out of shape over people who gave you the cold shoulder, turned their backs on you and even those who walked away. The reality will always be that you're going to lose some people along the way .... just remember that's okay. It ain't for everybody!

SOME PEOPLE WILL ONLY REMEMBER YOU FROM YOUR PAST ..........

Oh my dear GOD !!! I remember saying this to Shameka one day sitting in the salon .... I remember having this conversation with Tuck one day too .... I mean I recall saying this pretty much all summer long and yet and still. When people hit you with the "remember when" or the "I know him/her ..." see that's where I want to stop folks at and chime in with the "you knew" because whenever many of us are on our way to other things someone will always be looking in the rear view mirror of your life. Growth is essential, so who you knew 10 years ago definitely isn't the person you see today. Honestly, who you knew in January isn't who you see today in December ... because change is inevitable and if people can't see past that rear view than it's quite obvious that they don't have a clearer view. Those who constantly remind you or others of your past, can't propel you to your future .... that's a slingshot motion with no release! Just because you grew up with people doesn't always mean you have to grow old with them. Not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life, if people feel as if they deserve a seat to the show tell them to bring their own chair and see if they still show up! Better yet let them know it's a cover charge and then tell me how may really actually come, because that will show you how many only come around when it's beneficial or ....  (FREE).

Have you felt lonely lately? Have you felt uncomfortable? GOOD that means you're being prepared for something GREAT! Many of us always scream "new year new me" but why wait until 2019 to do what you can do today? No need to even allow anyone or anything, any additional time to drain your energy or block the possible year end blessings. Please remember and NEVER forget, the Lord givETH and the Lord takETH and that ETH means continuously!!! So understand that he will always give us people and things and take them away and that's fine as long as it's HIM doing the giving and HIM doing the taking. Don't fight it either, just learn to to take the lessons, jewels, gems or whatever that season gave you and carry on. We can't keep carrying people from year to year if they provide no interest or purpose to your growth and development in life. 2019 can be everything you speak of it to be and much more, because there is so much power in the tongue ... the only thing I'm carrying over from 2018 into 2019 is funds in my checking and savings account !!!! No new year new me ... I'm walking in all of that right now ... daily!

READY ... YET ... afraid to love.

Being chill is so cool these days right? Love is still for suckers isn't it? Love is a risk perhaps the biggest gamble we'll take in our lives. It's like placing all your money on black not knowing if it will land on red. You just close your eyes while the wheel spins and pray. But what happens when the ball lands on red? You might curse, you may cry, you lose right? Then what? Does your life end at that moment? NO!!! Ok maybe for like two minutes but then ... You carry on ... some of you even go back next week and try your luck again. But why aren't we so reluctant to try again when it comes to love? We make a decision to choose to put all our trust and faith into someone who, let’s be honest, we don’t really know. Because how well can you ever know someone who isn’t you? Honestly speaking I don't even think I really know myself! Everyday I am "becoming" I would hope many of you are too. That's the beauty of life it's constantly changing. That's one of the misconceptions that people have when entering relationships is wanting someone to stay the same as when you first fell in love with them. But the reality is you can't, it's just unrealistic. People change. We change little by little each and every day. Ten years down the line, neither of you will be the same person you were when you first met each other. Some grow apart, some were never meant to be together, some stayed together much longer than they should have, and many stay together for all the wrong reasons that they feel are right. 

And even though I know all of this why am I afraid? Why are many of you afraid? We’re afraid to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable with our hearts. Many of you are probably scared of getting hurt for the umpteenth time, or trying so hard to protect yourself from ever experiencing that kind of heartbreak in the first place. Love often tends to be that "elusive" feeling that 99% of are searching for, I mean who doesn't want to fall in love? Wear matching corny outfits 🤣 have someone to travel with and take "bae-cations" with, always have a plus one when needed, and when your friends ask you to hang out you actually have a VALID reason to decline instead of saying yes and then just don't go! (cause I know I am not the only one who does that) Even those of us who "claim" to not currently be looking for a serious relationship, we have this kind of "unwritten agreement" that would all change if the right person were to suddenly walk into our lives and NOT just anybody because you have to understand the difference; because who would turn down the possibility of falling in love? For some reason, we just don’t have a lot of faith in the right person ever showing up. But what if it's not the falling in love part that I am afraid of ... what if it is the falling out of love part that scares the shit out of me! 

Truth be told: when it comes to relationships the only thing we can be certain of is uncertainty. And I know that sounds bat shit crazy, but I promise you if you were to think about it you'd realize it's the truth. And the truth is, we’re all a little afraid; some of us simply choose to push through the fear, and some of us don’t. I don't believe there is a single person on this Earth that is fearless. I once heard or maybe I read it somewhere that "the people who love less in this world are the ones who fail to learn how to give unconditionally." So in my new journey and wanting more love and life I said to myself that I don't want to be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person I end up hurting in the process is myself. Trying not to worry about the what ifs, trying not to worry about a future which I ultimately can’t control, and hopefully I won't worry if I am the person who seems to always care more. 

So if you are me and I am you then take note: 

• Don’t be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person you’re hurting in the process is yourself. 
• Don’t worry about the what ifs, don’t worry about a future which you ultimately can’t control, and don’t worry if you are the person who seems to always care more. 

We can't change who are we are because of fear of getting hurt or being disappointed. They often say that when a person hurts you it speaks far more about their character than it does about yours. So if we happen to find ourselves at the end of a seemingly ‘failed’ relationship (hell some of you may be there now), take a step back (some of you may need to take about five or six) and ask yourself, ‘did I love them with everything I had?’ That's the only question that matters and if the answer is yes, then you absolutely DID NOT fail ... you did everything right. You came in with an open mind, you laid your heart on the table, and you bared your soul in its entirety. The process just begins all over again, it's like placing all your money on black and it ends up on red. Pissed right? ... but you walked away, recouped the monies and found yourself back at the roulette table trying your luck all over again huh? Well it's the same thing with love ... walk away, recoup (girls/guys trip, bottle of wine - maybe two, a new hobby, something short lived though), then find yourself right back out there again ... the right person will, without hesitation, do the same for you. 💜

Thanksgiving Message

For many this is the most awaited holiday that couldn’t come fast enough and for others it’s a day that can’t come and GO fast enough. Everyone’s understanding, values and beliefs of Thanksgiving are different and how we choose to celebrate it. To many if not all, Thanksgiving is considered a day where many of us are setting aside time to give thanks for one's blessings, our gratitude in life, along with holding feasts to celebrate a harvest or in many families just holding a feast and preparing to watch that drunk cousin, uncle and/or aunt (heck maybe ya mama) act a fool 🤣🤣 and don’t act like we all don’t have one. 

But for many this is just another day. It’s just the fourth Thursday in November. Even though Thanksgiving brings many families together on this ONE day often we miss the true message of the word “thanksgiving”. It’s been said and written that celebrating "thanksgivings"—days of prayer was thanking God for blessings such as military victory or the end of a drought. Being thankful isn't just for the Thanksgiving holiday. Scripture tells us to be "thankful in everything, in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When we find ourselves overwhelmed with burdens and worried about tomorrow, we can praise God for who he is and his promise to never leave us or forsake us. We have been blessed with the free gift of salvation and eternal life! So on today, while many of you sit with your loved ones (or even the ones you don’t love but sit with them on today 🤷😖) I want you to take heed of the message and understanding of Thanksgiving. For today is just one day and when the day is done many will continue on with their lives and for many those family members we hugged and kissed won’t be seen for another 365 days unless death occurs. 

Thanksgiving is definitely a day that many look forward to, but it shouldn’t be celebrated just once a year. Our hearts should be filled with Thanksgiving every day. We should celebrate every day. We should always be thankful of all the blessings that we receive and appreciate that in which we do have more, than that in which we don’t have. Everyday is Thanksgiving because we have yet another day to create memories, another page in our life that we can direct and another day to fight our battles. So as you eat, drink and be merry today remember Thanksgiving tomorrow and the day after; and I don’t mean because of the leftovers but because of God’s grace and mercy. Give thanks for the new day & thanks for unknown blessings that are surely on the way. 

“It is not happy people who are thankful .... it is thankful people who are happy”💕💕💕 

I never cared much for the holidays, it was always a weird vibe for me, maybe because my family really didn't come together as much as others. But this one year (Thanksgiving 2013) I don't know how I talked my mother into this Thanksgiving dinner at our house. It was something we had NEVER done before, to have all my grandmother's children present, along with their children and their children, etc ... you all get the point right. This picture below captures everyone I want to say, minus 2 grandchildren and minus 2 great grandchildren who weren't even born nor a thought; because Monique didn't have an army of kids back then LOL ... This picture ended up being one of my favorite family photos for many reasons ... 

1. it showed me that I wasn't having any kids because it seemed we only made girls recently

2. majority of all of us were present

and the final reason why this ended up becoming my all time favorite picture

3. none of us knew that this would be our final picture taken with Mikey. Exactly one week later he died. And every time I look at this picture and my brother with his arm around him and me holding his daughter that he left behind it reminds me of how thankful I was that we were able to pull this event off and come together for this one day but saddened that we didn't do it more often ... because our next gathering was his funeral. 

Today, I’m aware of the fact that life is way better than I deserve. The world is full of pain and suffering, hardship, disappointment and regret. So the fact that I am learning to be much more thankful and mean it is, in its own way, a miracle. I’m learning there is a responsibility that comes with privilege. That I am blessed to bless. Gifted to give. Many of us are not lucky or fortunate; but what I have learned is that I am expected to do something with the grace I’ve been given. And so are you. Being grateful is a choice. 

So once the day has died down, take some time, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, to come up with a gratitude list. If it doesn’t come naturally, don’t let that stop you from still giving thanks. There is still much to be thankful for, if we only have eyes to see.

Happy Thanksgiving ⭐

Morning Message 11/14/2018

"Sometimes the weight you need to lose isn't on your body" Now let me be the first to say that I can definitely benefit from losing a couple of pounds and that's without a doubt, but in life with everything that can possibly be discussed it's always different levels and perspectives of it. Often at times we allow the people around us to get inside our minds and eventually some of these people talk us out of our blessings. People will try to get you to quit pursuing your goals, your dreams, your aspirations and much more, because they don't see the vision the same way you do and believe me that's fine. Let me remind you that we all don't have the same eye sight, my 20/10 visual acuity isn't the same as your 20/10 visual acuity. The reality is I see my dreams clear through my 20/10 and you see it only through your 20/50 visual acuity and that's probably why you wear those glasses. Basically, what I am trying to tell you is that you need to focus on growing relationships with those who will invest in your growth. GROWTH = Spiritually, Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, Financially, Socially, any good "ally" you can think of. Now let me be clear that when I say financially I don't mean someone who is going to take care of you either, but someone who is going to help you grow financially, by setting goals, helping you budget if you didn't do that before, having a savings plan, those kind of things, etc. 

You can do better! You deserve better! You have to be able to reassure yourself this daily. Sometimes, several times throughout the day too. Positive self affirmation is key. If you desire greater, you have to do greater. If you want better, you have to be better. Everyone that is supposed to be around you on your journey will be there ... and everyone else will either catch up later! But in order for many of us to get going we have to let go of some of this weight so that we can fly.  Is your spiritual well and clean? What are you holding onto right now that is potentially preventing you from moving forward in life?  Is there anything or anyone in your life that is dragging you down? If so really ask yourself WHY? Is it a grudge? Is it a hope? A wish that never came true? A fantasy? A desire? How long have you held onto it? Better yet the real question is how long has it held you in place? You’ve got to let go. We all are guilty, we all do it. But we have to let it go. Because it’s dead weight. Old news. In the past. Gone.

Not everyone will be happy for you. I mean come on, how many times have we heard this shit before?  Trust and believe me when I say that is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY okay because God did not create you to be a people-pleaser. OK, let me repeat that ...  Trust and believe me when I say that is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY okay because God did not create you to be a people-pleaser. He wants us to be our authentic selves without having to justify every decision we choose to make. Do you know how draining that is? Waking up each morning putting yourself down just because you made a decision that will benefit yourself? Do not allow the enemy to steal your joy because you want to be free from whatever held you bound. (1 Peter 5:8) Take everything back that the enemy stole from you and fight back.  (John 10:10) When you don't fight, you don't win. It is not worth you losing your hair, gaining all that excessive weight, spending less time with your kids or taking it out on your kids, your personal time, spending money anyhow,  or doing foolish things just for people to stay in your life or like you or even love you. Over the years and definitely more so recently, I have learned to LET PEOPLE GO IN LOVE , and it is not because they are bad people, but they just can’t go where I am heading towards. Remember God does not always keep people you expect to be in your life. When you are transitioning to a new season of life, the people and situations that no longer fit you will often fall away; don't fight the process .... LET THE WEIGHT GO !!! 🦋

  🦄🌃    "Living your best life is your most important journey in life."    

you never know what tomorrow MAY bring ...

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. 💖 There are many days in this lifetime in which we often try to forget but then there are so many that we want to remember. I guess it is safe to say that God has a way of placing you in a position where he feels you need to be even when you don't want to be there.

May 31, 2004; I lost a big part of my life ... my grandfather. I always thought that would be the hardest death I'd ever have to deal with and then in late 2016 I decided to leave from North Carolina and head back to Connecticut. No real game plan in mind, no clue of what was going to happen, no actual direction but all I thought I knew was that I was sick and tired of being in North Carolina and the time was now. In October 2016, it felt like a family reunion, my best friend was home and even though things weren't back to normal it just felt good to be around for a little while. Every year that I can recall you never missed a beat, every Mother's Day I received a card thanking me for not just being the best big sister ever but for being the other mother in your life, and then it became for being the other mother in Aniyah's life as well. For every dumb dream I had, you supported. For every idea you had behind those cement walls, I supported, whether by printing the resources you needed and mailing you the documentation to get started or ordering books by the dozen on Amazon for you to expand your knowledge because what many didn't know about you was how much of an intellectual you were.  Less than a year later the world came tumbling down. You know the saying, "cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be here anymore" and it's so sad yet so damn true. IT doesn't matter how much we try and calculate our days here on Earth, our time isn't determined by that of our own schedule's (Job 1:21).

Mother's Day 2017, you were actually home. Not confined to any cement walls, my card wasn't coming in the mail, I actually wasn't putting money on an account to hear your voice ... life was good. The first part of my day consisted of taking mom out to eat at her favorite place ~ BBQ's and the whole day I complained to her and Fallon about not getting me a gift LOL! I kept telling them all I wanted was flowers for Mother's Day. I wanted to be able to receive my flowers while I was alive, not when I was dead and couldn't see nor smell them. But as the afternoon settled and our date was done, I proceeded to drop mommy off to spend the evening with you and your little family, because even though I took her to her favorite place you cooked her favorite dish; prime rib or was it brisket? Either way, you always were here favorite, such a mama's boy! But you were my favorite out of all the brothers and sisters God blessed me with. I was able to see something within you that I always prayed one day you too would see within yourself ... in due time. As I got home, to my surprise I had a gift and immediately tears were coming down my face. Because all I wanted was for someone to give me flowers while I was still here on this Earth 🌍 and not wait for me to be dead and gone, and on my bed was my annual Mother's Day card along with a bouquet of flowers from you. I couldn't do anything else but cry. This ....was ..... US. 👫💕 My text to you read "next year I want a house, LOL!"

But deep down in my heart it could have been another card or no card just your presence & that alone would have been enough, but again in this world God has this plan that doesn't include what we feel we want nor how we want and definitely not when we want it. Sometimes God breaks our hearts to save our souls. He has a reason for allowing things to happen. For we will NEVER understand His wisdom, but we just simply have to trust His will. 13 days later I died ... 13 days later life ended ... 13 days later the ending was right there in front of me. May 27, 2017; my best friend was gone. When you were confined to those cement walls I dreaded those phone calls but yet and still I thanked God that you were where you were because society couldn't touch you and you couldn't become a victim or a statistic out here in these streets. But on May 27, 2017; my dreams from years ago turned into my reality. That phone call lingers in the back of my mind, it still touches my soul somehow, I still feel numb when I hear my god mother's voice crying on the other end, and can still see the images of me rushing to pick up our mom from work and get to the hospital. Me knowing that I needed to be there this time, because the last time you were shot you told the doctors not to let anyone in to see you while you were in the ER until I arrived. This ... was .... US 👫💕.... That's just what our relationship was and what it meant to you, and this time I had to be there. None of us were allowed to see you upon arrival, you were rushed straight to OR, they gave us no updates, we all just waited and prayed. Sitting in the hospital lobby waiting with worry in my heart not knowing what was going on was probably the worst feeling I ever experienced. As I looked around; suddenly in the hospital gift shop display there she was ... grandma 👼 !!!! It's crazy because at that moment, I thought to myself either she is here to take him home with her or she is here to assure us that he is going to be OK! Now no to anyone reading this, our grandmother wasn't there in the physical form but in Bridgeport Hospital's gift shop display case it reads "Daisy" with flowers and never in all my years of being in the hospital did I notice it until this very moment and I knew something was occurring. When they finally allowed our mom to head up to OR, it was horrible because the text read "he's gone" and I immediately dropped down to my knees in tears and everyone in the waiting room immediately knew what it meant. A bullet that wasn't meant for you, a life cut short, 13 days after I received my flowers while I was able to smell them my life had ended, 13 days after I had received my flowers now it was time for me to give you yours yet the only difference is you wouldn't be able to see nor smell them ... May 27, 2017 I lost my best friend. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was bury my brother, because when we buried you a major part of me was buried right along with you. Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished, but it hurts even more when you are just starting to write it together. For awhile, I questioned it all but now I am coming to an understanding of things that aren't meant for me to control. The reality is we will never have all the time we want with those we love ... but one thing for sure is the greatest gift my mother ever gave me besides life itself was my brother (best friend). 💛👫🙏

Life is a collection of moments. 

        💕