fake busy

Let's talk about fake busy ... I hate to hear people tell me "I was busy all day and it didn't cross my mind, or I didn't have time" one word for this BULLSHIT ... now mind you there aren't any other words for this besides BULLSHIT !!! 

I am constantly telling folks, "people make time for who and what they want to make time for" case scenario: before I moved down south, I worked a full time job varying from 8-12 hour days, would hit the gym around 5am for a workout, 3 days out the week pick my niece up from daycare if need be, and was a personal trainer during the week and weekends w private clients and teaching boot camp classes and other family and social events with friends. I say that to say this .... in spite of how busy it seems I was I made time for someone who I was quite interested in. He was worth it to me, and I made time out of my busy day(s) to spend time w him, whether it was going out for a drink, having dinner, making dinner, a movie or just watching a football game together. It didn't matter that I had just worked 12 hours and had a 2 hour workout after work and just wanted to shower and go to bed. Even if I went over to his house and laid around and fell asleep I was still spending time with him and that was how I looked at it .... the reality was this ..... in spite of it all I came to realize that I couldn't get half of what I gave in return. But what I did get was a lot of excuses. And when I say a lot I mean so many excuses I could've turned them into a short story of excuses. They ranged from, I am working late, I am working my part time job, I have to spend a little bit of time with my son, my brother wants to hang out later, I need a nap I am tired and so on and so forth. With all my years of back and forth with this person I allowed this to continue on until I realized I was just a bit fed up. I sat back and said "damn I would give this man my last biscuit if he was hungry but yet he wouldn't even split his in half with me if I wanted to taste it"

REPEAT THE ABOVE AGAIN .... NO ONE IS ALWAYS BUSY !!! Even God had time to sit at the round table w his homies and chill ..... with folks it is all about priority and sometimes it is just about convenience. When we drop things and switch our schedules around for folks who wouldn't even cancel an appointment for us, we show that vulnerable side we have towards them and sometimes folks use that kindness for weakness and take full advantage of it. Hard to swallow, hard to accept at times but it is true. We all have had that one person, one friend, one relative (HELL IN MY CASE SEVERAL RELATIVES) who are quick to dial you up for a favor or other things because they can depend on you to make it happen but in the back of your mind you knew if the tables were turned you would be FRESH OUT OF LUCK with them. Sometimes it seems like having a good heart can hurt your heart. We have to figure out who and what is best for us and who and what truly deserves our time and attention. Doesn't mean that we won't make folks a priority when they refuse to make us one, just mean we have to be more aware of the signals early on. There are 24 hours in a day, now minus the hours you work, the hours you are asleep and then you divide the rest up between other activities like the gym, spending time with your children, and other tidbits but damn it the truth of the matter is IF SOMEONE IS IMPORTANT TO YOU then TRUST AND BELIEVE .... TIME WILL BE MADE !!! The time will truly come when you get so fed up with certain folks that you will sit back and analyze all the times you broke plans with your girls, to spend time with a guy who wouldn't even cancel game night with his boys to spend a few hours with you, or the time you was 2 exits from your house and turned around to get food for someone you was involved with which meant you back tracking and wasting gas you know you probably needed for work for the remainder of the week, or just getting home and showering and ready to snuggle in your bed and you get a text or call saying "come over" and you toss on some sweatpants and take the journey to wherever they are! Now if you read this and say to yourself, oh never not me, then please SMACK YOURSELF  because at some point and time we have all been there, some of us are there right now and wondering how the hell we got back to this point. Regardless of which it's been experienced. It's crazy how we can waste so much time on certain people and in the end they prove that they weren't even worth a second of it. I am truly learning daily to be selective with who I invest my time in, wasted time is worse than wasted money. One way to look at is ... "I tried, you didn't, I'm done." Granted it isn't always this cut and dry but do remember the only thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

snippet ....

Seek and ye shall find.
Search and one will see.
Listen and one will hear.

Be still and enjoy the blessings.
Find peace and live in the moments.

Talk less. Listen more.
Observe so you can see.
Be aware of the signs.
Be alert of your thoughts.

Pray more. Worry less.
Forgive and eventually learn to forget.
Leave it behind and move on.

tired of Mr. Right Now

I just know I can't be the only one in the world wondering why I have to kiss so many frogs in this lifetime before one turns into an actual prince ... Have I kissed a frog who was an actual prince but yet he kissed so many toads he has lost his charm?

Have you been on what feels like a million dates, but yet haven't found anyone that you kind of have that "aha  moment" or that spark with? Trust me I know the feeling all too well and it can be discouraging but I am learning the hard truth that if we are willing to accept anyone then we could have a relationship tomorrow. I am learning that realistically finding the right relationship is a numbers game (so if you hate math this may not be good for you). The higher your standards and requirements are, often the smaller number of choices we have to choose from. So let's reconsider what exactly it is we are looking for.

I always think that most simplest things are often the hardest to obtain. I don't think my requirements are so stern that it's hard to meet a man of my standards. I just believe that when I meet these men, they are in relationships, living with their baby mother, trying to make things work for the family, or just trying to have a good time and live life. Not everyone is out here seeking a relationship. So what realistic character must your partner have to meet in order to possibly have a chance with you? Now by NO means am I saying to lower your standards but just make a list of some of the things that are non negotiable, for instance with me something that is non negotiable is a cigarette smoker. I just can't tolerate it whatsoever, but who knows my prince could be out there smoking a Newport as we speak. (sighs)

women and emotions

I wish I knew why women were such emotional beings. Why does our hearts often overpower what we know is right within our minds? Why do we wear our heart on our sleeves? Why can't we easily walk away from what is wrong? What hurts us? What hinders us? What we know is NO good for us?

Why are we such emotional beings? We get so emotionally attached and then by the time our minds kick in our hearts are operating full speed. Then we find ourselves in that difficult situation between choosing what we know is right and what we think feels good. A friend said to me "sex brings emotions" and at first I wanted to debate with her because I am subject to believe differently. But after I thought about it; it holds such partial truth. But that saying applies to women, well women way more than men. It's crazy how you can hate someone's guts and sex can make you forget why you were even mad in the first place. But what if it really isn't the sex but the moments?

Emotions .... I recall people telling me I was heartless for awhile. I was trying to use less emotion and more mentality when it came to people and certain decisions. I was just using my heart LESS that's all. I was able to sit back and see how much our emotions can block things that's right in front of our eyes. Our emotions can make us disregard the necessary. Our emotions can hang us out to dry if we let them. Some fckd up stuff huh .... and people think being a woman is so cool. *side eye*

Why do we wear our hearts on our sleeves? Why is it that people don't appreciate what they have while they have it? Why is that saying "you don't know what you got till its gone" so true?

Let’s face it, no matter what anyone says, men and women are similar, but yet so different.

This thing called life.

Life is crazy. We never know who we're going to meet. We never know how they may or may not impact our lives. It's scary not knowing what lies ahead but it's amazing that not no 2 days are ever the same.

Sometimes I wish we had the ability to determine who we allow to enter our lives and who we don't. Feels like if we were able to do so, we could prevent so many things we try and avoid in life. Heartache, heart break, disappointment, lies, deceit, and so many other things we just don't want. But unfortunately we don't control the plane we are just here for the ride.

It's crazy how the things we often think we want so bad are the things we don't need at all or the things that can often hurt us the most. Reality is the shit we try to avoid is always the shit we need to help us grow. Sucks how pain and suffering can often bring us some of the joyous moments of our lives. Sucks that we have to endure the storm to enjoy the rainbow.

Life is crazy. We never know what to expect... we never know who we may meet, who may change our lives, who's life we may help change. It's scary not knowing what lies ahead but it's amazing that not NO 2 days are EVER the same.

being the other woman.

Women have this power that at times we often sweep under the wrong. It's called intuition. 

in·tu·i·tion
noun
the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Sometimes we know what's going to happen before it even occurs, sometimes we can sense when things aren't right before it goes left, and it's a power that we posses and often overlook. Case scenario: meeting someone who seems like a great catch, good company, amazing vibes, seemingly too good to be true, and then BOOM intuition kicks in around the same times feelings begin to develop. Everything your intuition tells you can be factual but often the feelings tell you let it go. We hate confronting the truth and would rather leave it as the unknown. 

Being the other woman ... Is it worth it? Are you settling? Don't you deserve more? Is the competition so strong? Are you happy? Aren't you worth more? Are you satisfied? Are there benefits?

I mean I can write a list of questions and thoughts that many women have in mind, some have even faced, and some are even dealing with today. But let's talk about being the other woman. Being the other woman is a tough situation, point blank period. I don't care how you swing it ~ you can't flip it into a positive even if you tried to. It's really no reason as to why men cheat, sometimes people with the perfect relationship step out on their partners. So let's discuss some realities of being the other woman whether it's good or bad ... 

• you are the dirty little secret ... when you are the other woman, you are often kept under wrap. But hell honestly speaking sometimes when you are the main woman you are kept under wrap and the other woman gets more public display than you do. But often whether it's a boyfriend cheating on his GF or a husband cheating on his wife, you will often be kept hidden and not spoken of. Secret text messages, secret rendezvous, and rules and regulations for you to follow. 

• you deal with loneliness ... when you are the other woman and having a secret relationship you will deal with loneliness. YES it is true you will deal with loneliness, something will always be missing. I mean don't get me wrong it will be plenty of moments of intimacy and cuddling and all that good stuff that makes you feel like #1 but it is never enough honestly speaking to deal with the moments when you want what you can't have. 

• society views .... yes even though the reality of being the other woman is so well known these days you still deal with society and their views of you. "She's a homewrecker"  "She's a slut" etc ... it doesn't end with the name calling and whispers from folks but the truth is you will experience it. 

• THE WAITING GAME .... if you are a person who likes things when you want and how you want it then hunny being the other woman is not your cup of tea. When being the other woman you have to wait for the signal (you know like the bat signal to know when things are a go and when you can plan things and make moves. And just because you make plans doesn't always mean it will happen (please know this for a fact) because you are #2 and #1 will always come before #2. You play the waiting game, you thirst for the moments and time you can get from this man. 

• stolen moments and borrowed time ... and here we go. with being the other woman this is what you deal with. Stolen moments and borrowed time. Often you don't see each other every day and you don't see each other all the time and you work around a certain time schedule. HE can't spend the night when you want him too, so you make the most of whatever time you can get with him while you can. 

• you are not and I repeat you are NOT a priority .... the first few weeks are often filled with bliss. You get the emotional highs of being in love and constantly wanting to be with that person however that stage will end when the reality kicks in. Being the other woman definitely does affect you as a person overall, you can't spend the holidays with him, you can't spend time with him when you want and need him the most, you aren't a priority because you playing in the background. 

Being the other woman is a tough ass situation !!! Oh so you thought this was a walk in the park huh? It's like working a job you hate but you love the benefits you can get. So let's talk about how you DEAL with BEING THE OTHER WOMAN .... 

• face the truth ... YUP face the truth ! When you are in a "situationship" where you are being the other woman you have to face the truth. The truth is YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN, you don't come first, and he may not ever leave his girlfriend/wife. 

• other interests ... YUP develop some ! Just because you are the other woman doesn't mean you have to lose yourself and invest all your time into this situationship. As long as you have other interests you aren't always worried about what HE is doing while you are not with him, remember you are the other woman. 

• the vision can't be black and white ... if and when you are the other woman you damn sure can't see the picture in black and white. It will often be a bit cloudy (and not w a chance of meatballs) so the picture is gray for sure. Just because you are the woman doesn't make you a bad person but it is definitely a tough situation to deal with. 

• end it ... sometimes it's always easier said than done, especially depending on how far and how deep things have gotten. You will constantly think about this, you may love him, it may be difficult, you may think it will be awhile before you find someone else but the reality is you don't wanna be the other woman forever. Especially when you know that you deserve better ! When you realize you are worth more than a secret relationship and deserve more, you will dwell more on ending it. 

• don't settle ... settling is never an option I don't care whether it is being the other woman or with the color shoe you buy. If you don't love it and it's not making you happy 100% don't settle. 

• look into the future ... I mean right now the present may be enough to fill a void you may be experiencing but let's think long term. Will there be a future in this for you? Will you ever be number #1? If so then who will replace you as number #2? Will the cycle continue on? Are you the only number #2? I mean let's be honest ... 

Being the other woman definitely isn't a piece of cake or a walk in the damn park, it's hard !!! Just remember, there are ways to deal with being the other woman. Keep a dope support system, it's always needed because sometimes we fail to see what others do, talk about ending it and definitely know and remember that you deserve better. 
So ladies .... have you ever been the other woman???

Long distance relationships

Believe it or not at some point we have all considered it, been there, thought about it or possibly going thru it. We often hear the stories about how long distance relationships will never work out. Or maybe we hear the stories that absence makes the heart grow fonder and time away is much needed for trial and tribulation for a relationship. Me personally, I am not for it but with relocating to North Carolina I have strongly considered it a time or two.

A long distance relationship can either be chicken soup for the soul or poison ivy on the body! When you decide to make that decision with someone you never know what to expect. It can make you love someone so much more or it can help you see what you have been blinded by being so close by. Some say it can be seen as an opportunity, in order to determine whether you want to live together you must first know what it feels like to live apart. It has been said even though I need proof and facts to be a test of your love. There is a Chines saying that goes "real gold is not afraid of the test of fire." Pretty much in terms to a long distance relationship it is seeing the distance as a bond to make you even stronger and NOT pulling you apart.

Now my question is this ... how far is to far? Is there a mileage amount on long distance relationships? How many years have to be vested into a situation before you consider a long distance relationship? If he lives in Rhode Island and I move to California is it worth the try? What if you have only been dating for 8 months and all of a sudden you get a great promotion from your job which you have always wanted ... do you leave or do you stay? We never know what the outcome of a relationship can or will be. For some a long distance relationship can turn into another job, knowing each other schedules, keeping track of activities and social media accounts to stay in touch, etc. But what happens when you see something they post on social media that makes it look like they are having the time of their life without you, then what?

I always think about the time you don't get to spend with each other more than the fact of it bringing you closer together. Sometimes when you have had a bad day at work it feels good to talk about it with your significant other but it feels even better to talk about it with them face to face or over dinner and relax too. I think I focus on the challenges more than anything else. There will be a disconnection there especially if you aren't able to see each other on a monthly basis depending on how far apart you are from each other. The reality is that long distance relationships are about 90% promises. So you are kind of living in a world of hope for awhile until you figure out what will become. Who's going to make the move or the plunge, what happens if you moved away for better and your significant other doesn't want to leave because he feels fine back home? Who's willing to compromise if no one wants to take a step forward and the other doesn't want to take a step back?

Sometimes we are just so afraid to start over elsewhere and so we hold onto something we often foresee not working ... and sometimes we hold on with hopes that it will all work out. It's OK if a long distance relationship isn't for you "it ain't for everybody" (Jay-Z voice) and I say that to say this, if your relationship  breaks under the pressure it's not because of the distance ... HELL in most cases it's not even your fault !!! Sometimes it is just not the right relationship to be fighting for and that is OK. In strengthening yourself, you won't only survive the distance but you will probably be so much better for it. They often say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and it can indeed fan the flames of your passion, even if it's for yourself and your own future.

No matter how painful it feels at the time, this is an important truth for both of you to know. Recognizing the wrong relationship is a crucial step in finding the right relationship.