New Year .... New You !!! Dear 2019

"Greater is coming....."


Often at times we kill ourselves worrying and wondering why things didn't go the way we planned, the way we wanted it to go, according to our will. But the reality is that many times God has told us that the reason why people have betrayed you, turned their backs on you, cheated on you, lied to and about you, walked away from you without reason, has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is because He has removed them from your life because they cannot go where He is planning on taking you next!!! We fail to realize that some will only hinder us in our next level of life because they have already served their purpose in our lives. Even the people whom we felt have betrayed us are apart of the plan.

At every next level of our lives, everybody can't be in the room. Let me repeat that ... at every next level of our lives, EVERYBODY can't be in the room. Some people need to watch the show from the outside looking in, some need to hear about it via word of mouth, and many may just need to catch the snippets on your social media page if they aren't blocked/deleted. When you are being aligned for something greater, you can't talk power moves around people that don't have the same hunger or intentions as you. Some may think you're bragging, some may think your being arrogant, cocky, conceited, whatever word you choose to use.

Learn to let GO and leave whoever needs to be left behind. It could be your significant other, your mother, your sister, your brother, cousin, best friend, etc. Often we fail to realize that people who refuse to grow with us simply can not go with us. We allow emotions to block goodness, because we convince ourselves that just because someone has been by our side for years and years on end that they are entitled to come along with us to each proceeding level that life has in store for us. But please let me be the first and last person to tell you this before 2018 ends ... NO ONE is entitled to anything pertaining to the life that is yours. At some point in our lives we must come to the realization to realize that everyone can't go with us to the next level and this is why:

SOME PEOPLE ARE SEASONAL ....

I read a statement about seasonal people and it said "some people are like leaves on a tree ... they are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves ..... as soon as the wind blows or it gets cold in your life they are gone!" Everything about that hit my soul and I said WELL GOT DAMN! And let me make this clear that if you fail to believe that you have seasonal people in your life than that's because you my dear may be the SEASONAL friend. Let me be clear that it's nothing wrong with "seasonal friends" because just like the seasons of the year we give and take what's needed from them and we move right along. Just like when Summer is over and we miss the warm weather; we may miss them too but we pack up our summer clothes and get ready for Fall.

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE WHERE YOU'RE GOING !!!

Not everyone is going to be able to handle where you are going and the sooner you allow that settle within your soul, the sooner you will stop getting all twisted and bent out of shape over people who gave you the cold shoulder, turned their backs on you and even those who walked away. The reality will always be that you're going to lose some people along the way .... just remember that's okay. It ain't for everybody!

SOME PEOPLE WILL ONLY REMEMBER YOU FROM YOUR PAST ..........

Oh my dear GOD !!! I remember saying this to Shameka one day sitting in the salon .... I remember having this conversation with Tuck one day too .... I mean I recall saying this pretty much all summer long and yet and still. When people hit you with the "remember when" or the "I know him/her ..." see that's where I want to stop folks at and chime in with the "you knew" because whenever many of us are on our way to other things someone will always be looking in the rear view mirror of your life. Growth is essential, so who you knew 10 years ago definitely isn't the person you see today. Honestly, who you knew in January isn't who you see today in December ... because change is inevitable and if people can't see past that rear view than it's quite obvious that they don't have a clearer view. Those who constantly remind you or others of your past, can't propel you to your future .... that's a slingshot motion with no release! Just because you grew up with people doesn't always mean you have to grow old with them. Not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life, if people feel as if they deserve a seat to the show tell them to bring their own chair and see if they still show up! Better yet let them know it's a cover charge and then tell me how may really actually come, because that will show you how many only come around when it's beneficial or ....  (FREE).

Have you felt lonely lately? Have you felt uncomfortable? GOOD that means you're being prepared for something GREAT! Many of us always scream "new year new me" but why wait until 2019 to do what you can do today? No need to even allow anyone or anything, any additional time to drain your energy or block the possible year end blessings. Please remember and NEVER forget, the Lord givETH and the Lord takETH and that ETH means continuously!!! So understand that he will always give us people and things and take them away and that's fine as long as it's HIM doing the giving and HIM doing the taking. Don't fight it either, just learn to to take the lessons, jewels, gems or whatever that season gave you and carry on. We can't keep carrying people from year to year if they provide no interest or purpose to your growth and development in life. 2019 can be everything you speak of it to be and much more, because there is so much power in the tongue ... the only thing I'm carrying over from 2018 into 2019 is funds in my checking and savings account !!!! No new year new me ... I'm walking in all of that right now ... daily!

READY ... YET ... afraid to love.

Being chill is so cool these days right? Love is still for suckers isn't it? Love is a risk perhaps the biggest gamble we'll take in our lives. It's like placing all your money on black not knowing if it will land on red. You just close your eyes while the wheel spins and pray. But what happens when the ball lands on red? You might curse, you may cry, you lose right? Then what? Does your life end at that moment? NO!!! Ok maybe for like two minutes but then ... You carry on ... some of you even go back next week and try your luck again. But why aren't we so reluctant to try again when it comes to love? We make a decision to choose to put all our trust and faith into someone who, let’s be honest, we don’t really know. Because how well can you ever know someone who isn’t you? Honestly speaking I don't even think I really know myself! Everyday I am "becoming" I would hope many of you are too. That's the beauty of life it's constantly changing. That's one of the misconceptions that people have when entering relationships is wanting someone to stay the same as when you first fell in love with them. But the reality is you can't, it's just unrealistic. People change. We change little by little each and every day. Ten years down the line, neither of you will be the same person you were when you first met each other. Some grow apart, some were never meant to be together, some stayed together much longer than they should have, and many stay together for all the wrong reasons that they feel are right. 

And even though I know all of this why am I afraid? Why are many of you afraid? We’re afraid to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable with our hearts. Many of you are probably scared of getting hurt for the umpteenth time, or trying so hard to protect yourself from ever experiencing that kind of heartbreak in the first place. Love often tends to be that "elusive" feeling that 99% of are searching for, I mean who doesn't want to fall in love? Wear matching corny outfits 🤣 have someone to travel with and take "bae-cations" with, always have a plus one when needed, and when your friends ask you to hang out you actually have a VALID reason to decline instead of saying yes and then just don't go! (cause I know I am not the only one who does that) Even those of us who "claim" to not currently be looking for a serious relationship, we have this kind of "unwritten agreement" that would all change if the right person were to suddenly walk into our lives and NOT just anybody because you have to understand the difference; because who would turn down the possibility of falling in love? For some reason, we just don’t have a lot of faith in the right person ever showing up. But what if it's not the falling in love part that I am afraid of ... what if it is the falling out of love part that scares the shit out of me! 

Truth be told: when it comes to relationships the only thing we can be certain of is uncertainty. And I know that sounds bat shit crazy, but I promise you if you were to think about it you'd realize it's the truth. And the truth is, we’re all a little afraid; some of us simply choose to push through the fear, and some of us don’t. I don't believe there is a single person on this Earth that is fearless. I once heard or maybe I read it somewhere that "the people who love less in this world are the ones who fail to learn how to give unconditionally." So in my new journey and wanting more love and life I said to myself that I don't want to be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person I end up hurting in the process is myself. Trying not to worry about the what ifs, trying not to worry about a future which I ultimately can’t control, and hopefully I won't worry if I am the person who seems to always care more. 

So if you are me and I am you then take note: 

• Don’t be the person who holds back their true feelings, the person who casts a shadow over their raw emotions; because the only person you’re hurting in the process is yourself. 
• Don’t worry about the what ifs, don’t worry about a future which you ultimately can’t control, and don’t worry if you are the person who seems to always care more. 

We can't change who are we are because of fear of getting hurt or being disappointed. They often say that when a person hurts you it speaks far more about their character than it does about yours. So if we happen to find ourselves at the end of a seemingly ‘failed’ relationship (hell some of you may be there now), take a step back (some of you may need to take about five or six) and ask yourself, ‘did I love them with everything I had?’ That's the only question that matters and if the answer is yes, then you absolutely DID NOT fail ... you did everything right. You came in with an open mind, you laid your heart on the table, and you bared your soul in its entirety. The process just begins all over again, it's like placing all your money on black and it ends up on red. Pissed right? ... but you walked away, recouped the monies and found yourself back at the roulette table trying your luck all over again huh? Well it's the same thing with love ... walk away, recoup (girls/guys trip, bottle of wine - maybe two, a new hobby, something short lived though), then find yourself right back out there again ... the right person will, without hesitation, do the same for you. 💜

Thanksgiving Message

For many this is the most awaited holiday that couldn’t come fast enough and for others it’s a day that can’t come and GO fast enough. Everyone’s understanding, values and beliefs of Thanksgiving are different and how we choose to celebrate it. To many if not all, Thanksgiving is considered a day where many of us are setting aside time to give thanks for one's blessings, our gratitude in life, along with holding feasts to celebrate a harvest or in many families just holding a feast and preparing to watch that drunk cousin, uncle and/or aunt (heck maybe ya mama) act a fool 🤣🤣 and don’t act like we all don’t have one. 

But for many this is just another day. It’s just the fourth Thursday in November. Even though Thanksgiving brings many families together on this ONE day often we miss the true message of the word “thanksgiving”. It’s been said and written that celebrating "thanksgivings"—days of prayer was thanking God for blessings such as military victory or the end of a drought. Being thankful isn't just for the Thanksgiving holiday. Scripture tells us to be "thankful in everything, in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When we find ourselves overwhelmed with burdens and worried about tomorrow, we can praise God for who he is and his promise to never leave us or forsake us. We have been blessed with the free gift of salvation and eternal life! So on today, while many of you sit with your loved ones (or even the ones you don’t love but sit with them on today 🤷😖) I want you to take heed of the message and understanding of Thanksgiving. For today is just one day and when the day is done many will continue on with their lives and for many those family members we hugged and kissed won’t be seen for another 365 days unless death occurs. 

Thanksgiving is definitely a day that many look forward to, but it shouldn’t be celebrated just once a year. Our hearts should be filled with Thanksgiving every day. We should celebrate every day. We should always be thankful of all the blessings that we receive and appreciate that in which we do have more, than that in which we don’t have. Everyday is Thanksgiving because we have yet another day to create memories, another page in our life that we can direct and another day to fight our battles. So as you eat, drink and be merry today remember Thanksgiving tomorrow and the day after; and I don’t mean because of the leftovers but because of God’s grace and mercy. Give thanks for the new day & thanks for unknown blessings that are surely on the way. 

“It is not happy people who are thankful .... it is thankful people who are happy”💕💕💕 

I never cared much for the holidays, it was always a weird vibe for me, maybe because my family really didn't come together as much as others. But this one year (Thanksgiving 2013) I don't know how I talked my mother into this Thanksgiving dinner at our house. It was something we had NEVER done before, to have all my grandmother's children present, along with their children and their children, etc ... you all get the point right. This picture below captures everyone I want to say, minus 2 grandchildren and minus 2 great grandchildren who weren't even born nor a thought; because Monique didn't have an army of kids back then LOL ... This picture ended up being one of my favorite family photos for many reasons ... 

1. it showed me that I wasn't having any kids because it seemed we only made girls recently

2. majority of all of us were present

and the final reason why this ended up becoming my all time favorite picture

3. none of us knew that this would be our final picture taken with Mikey. Exactly one week later he died. And every time I look at this picture and my brother with his arm around him and me holding his daughter that he left behind it reminds me of how thankful I was that we were able to pull this event off and come together for this one day but saddened that we didn't do it more often ... because our next gathering was his funeral. 

Today, I’m aware of the fact that life is way better than I deserve. The world is full of pain and suffering, hardship, disappointment and regret. So the fact that I am learning to be much more thankful and mean it is, in its own way, a miracle. I’m learning there is a responsibility that comes with privilege. That I am blessed to bless. Gifted to give. Many of us are not lucky or fortunate; but what I have learned is that I am expected to do something with the grace I’ve been given. And so are you. Being grateful is a choice. 

So once the day has died down, take some time, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, to come up with a gratitude list. If it doesn’t come naturally, don’t let that stop you from still giving thanks. There is still much to be thankful for, if we only have eyes to see.

Happy Thanksgiving ⭐

Morning Message 11/14/2018

"Sometimes the weight you need to lose isn't on your body" Now let me be the first to say that I can definitely benefit from losing a couple of pounds and that's without a doubt, but in life with everything that can possibly be discussed it's always different levels and perspectives of it. Often at times we allow the people around us to get inside our minds and eventually some of these people talk us out of our blessings. People will try to get you to quit pursuing your goals, your dreams, your aspirations and much more, because they don't see the vision the same way you do and believe me that's fine. Let me remind you that we all don't have the same eye sight, my 20/10 visual acuity isn't the same as your 20/10 visual acuity. The reality is I see my dreams clear through my 20/10 and you see it only through your 20/50 visual acuity and that's probably why you wear those glasses. Basically, what I am trying to tell you is that you need to focus on growing relationships with those who will invest in your growth. GROWTH = Spiritually, Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, Financially, Socially, any good "ally" you can think of. Now let me be clear that when I say financially I don't mean someone who is going to take care of you either, but someone who is going to help you grow financially, by setting goals, helping you budget if you didn't do that before, having a savings plan, those kind of things, etc. 

You can do better! You deserve better! You have to be able to reassure yourself this daily. Sometimes, several times throughout the day too. Positive self affirmation is key. If you desire greater, you have to do greater. If you want better, you have to be better. Everyone that is supposed to be around you on your journey will be there ... and everyone else will either catch up later! But in order for many of us to get going we have to let go of some of this weight so that we can fly.  Is your spiritual well and clean? What are you holding onto right now that is potentially preventing you from moving forward in life?  Is there anything or anyone in your life that is dragging you down? If so really ask yourself WHY? Is it a grudge? Is it a hope? A wish that never came true? A fantasy? A desire? How long have you held onto it? Better yet the real question is how long has it held you in place? You’ve got to let go. We all are guilty, we all do it. But we have to let it go. Because it’s dead weight. Old news. In the past. Gone.

Not everyone will be happy for you. I mean come on, how many times have we heard this shit before?  Trust and believe me when I say that is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY okay because God did not create you to be a people-pleaser. OK, let me repeat that ...  Trust and believe me when I say that is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY okay because God did not create you to be a people-pleaser. He wants us to be our authentic selves without having to justify every decision we choose to make. Do you know how draining that is? Waking up each morning putting yourself down just because you made a decision that will benefit yourself? Do not allow the enemy to steal your joy because you want to be free from whatever held you bound. (1 Peter 5:8) Take everything back that the enemy stole from you and fight back.  (John 10:10) When you don't fight, you don't win. It is not worth you losing your hair, gaining all that excessive weight, spending less time with your kids or taking it out on your kids, your personal time, spending money anyhow,  or doing foolish things just for people to stay in your life or like you or even love you. Over the years and definitely more so recently, I have learned to LET PEOPLE GO IN LOVE , and it is not because they are bad people, but they just can’t go where I am heading towards. Remember God does not always keep people you expect to be in your life. When you are transitioning to a new season of life, the people and situations that no longer fit you will often fall away; don't fight the process .... LET THE WEIGHT GO !!! 🦋

  🦄🌃    "Living your best life is your most important journey in life."    

you never know what tomorrow MAY bring ...

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. 💖 There are many days in this lifetime in which we often try to forget but then there are so many that we want to remember. I guess it is safe to say that God has a way of placing you in a position where he feels you need to be even when you don't want to be there.

May 31, 2004; I lost a big part of my life ... my grandfather. I always thought that would be the hardest death I'd ever have to deal with and then in late 2016 I decided to leave from North Carolina and head back to Connecticut. No real game plan in mind, no clue of what was going to happen, no actual direction but all I thought I knew was that I was sick and tired of being in North Carolina and the time was now. In October 2016, it felt like a family reunion, my best friend was home and even though things weren't back to normal it just felt good to be around for a little while. Every year that I can recall you never missed a beat, every Mother's Day I received a card thanking me for not just being the best big sister ever but for being the other mother in your life, and then it became for being the other mother in Aniyah's life as well. For every dumb dream I had, you supported. For every idea you had behind those cement walls, I supported, whether by printing the resources you needed and mailing you the documentation to get started or ordering books by the dozen on Amazon for you to expand your knowledge because what many didn't know about you was how much of an intellectual you were.  Less than a year later the world came tumbling down. You know the saying, "cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be here anymore" and it's so sad yet so damn true. IT doesn't matter how much we try and calculate our days here on Earth, our time isn't determined by that of our own schedule's (Job 1:21).

Mother's Day 2017, you were actually home. Not confined to any cement walls, my card wasn't coming in the mail, I actually wasn't putting money on an account to hear your voice ... life was good. The first part of my day consisted of taking mom out to eat at her favorite place ~ BBQ's and the whole day I complained to her and Fallon about not getting me a gift LOL! I kept telling them all I wanted was flowers for Mother's Day. I wanted to be able to receive my flowers while I was alive, not when I was dead and couldn't see nor smell them. But as the afternoon settled and our date was done, I proceeded to drop mommy off to spend the evening with you and your little family, because even though I took her to her favorite place you cooked her favorite dish; prime rib or was it brisket? Either way, you always were here favorite, such a mama's boy! But you were my favorite out of all the brothers and sisters God blessed me with. I was able to see something within you that I always prayed one day you too would see within yourself ... in due time. As I got home, to my surprise I had a gift and immediately tears were coming down my face. Because all I wanted was for someone to give me flowers while I was still here on this Earth 🌍 and not wait for me to be dead and gone, and on my bed was my annual Mother's Day card along with a bouquet of flowers from you. I couldn't do anything else but cry. This ....was ..... US. 👫💕 My text to you read "next year I want a house, LOL!"

But deep down in my heart it could have been another card or no card just your presence & that alone would have been enough, but again in this world God has this plan that doesn't include what we feel we want nor how we want and definitely not when we want it. Sometimes God breaks our hearts to save our souls. He has a reason for allowing things to happen. For we will NEVER understand His wisdom, but we just simply have to trust His will. 13 days later I died ... 13 days later life ended ... 13 days later the ending was right there in front of me. May 27, 2017; my best friend was gone. When you were confined to those cement walls I dreaded those phone calls but yet and still I thanked God that you were where you were because society couldn't touch you and you couldn't become a victim or a statistic out here in these streets. But on May 27, 2017; my dreams from years ago turned into my reality. That phone call lingers in the back of my mind, it still touches my soul somehow, I still feel numb when I hear my god mother's voice crying on the other end, and can still see the images of me rushing to pick up our mom from work and get to the hospital. Me knowing that I needed to be there this time, because the last time you were shot you told the doctors not to let anyone in to see you while you were in the ER until I arrived. This ... was .... US 👫💕.... That's just what our relationship was and what it meant to you, and this time I had to be there. None of us were allowed to see you upon arrival, you were rushed straight to OR, they gave us no updates, we all just waited and prayed. Sitting in the hospital lobby waiting with worry in my heart not knowing what was going on was probably the worst feeling I ever experienced. As I looked around; suddenly in the hospital gift shop display there she was ... grandma 👼 !!!! It's crazy because at that moment, I thought to myself either she is here to take him home with her or she is here to assure us that he is going to be OK! Now no to anyone reading this, our grandmother wasn't there in the physical form but in Bridgeport Hospital's gift shop display case it reads "Daisy" with flowers and never in all my years of being in the hospital did I notice it until this very moment and I knew something was occurring. When they finally allowed our mom to head up to OR, it was horrible because the text read "he's gone" and I immediately dropped down to my knees in tears and everyone in the waiting room immediately knew what it meant. A bullet that wasn't meant for you, a life cut short, 13 days after I received my flowers while I was able to smell them my life had ended, 13 days after I had received my flowers now it was time for me to give you yours yet the only difference is you wouldn't be able to see nor smell them ... May 27, 2017 I lost my best friend. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was bury my brother, because when we buried you a major part of me was buried right along with you. Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished, but it hurts even more when you are just starting to write it together. For awhile, I questioned it all but now I am coming to an understanding of things that aren't meant for me to control. The reality is we will never have all the time we want with those we love ... but one thing for sure is the greatest gift my mother ever gave me besides life itself was my brother (best friend). 💛👫🙏

Life is a collection of moments. 

        💕            

broken-hearted little girl

Have you ever had your heart broken? I remember having this conversation with someone years ago, me telling them that I have never had my heart broken, and them being in disbelief. I always tell people that here I am 35 years old, and have never had my heart broken but YES I have been broken hearted by situations, by people, by life, friendships, deaths, failures and much more. Quick to inform those who must know that I have never had my heart broken by a relationship, by a man or even a woman for that matter. But today I was told to stop telling such a lie, I have had my heart broken by a man that I didn't even think to consider. Here I am in my 30's, trying to live my best life, still trying to find myself, and not even realizing how much hurt is underlying the smiles you often see, the jokes that you laugh at, and the kindness that I give to those I love. But underneath this shell lies a heart broken little girl, who has her moments of feeling unloved, unwanted, uninspired, under-appreciated, unmotivated, and most days unbothered. Here I am, realizing that the first man I ever loved indeed broke my heart and I found ways to occupy myself, occupy my mind, and not deal with the true reality.


The first man I ever loved broke my heart 6 years ago and here I am 6 years later and finally realizing this. Denied because I couldn't classify it as a relationship, when in reality my relationship with my father was my first shot at love, what it looked like, what it felt like, and how I imagined it to be. But here I am, a little girl with a broken heart. Walking through life fearful, tormentful, upset, confused, disturbed, curious, angry, happy, sad, and mad. Mixed emotions that fill me often, and yet I continue to let the world know that I have never had my heart broken by a relationship. We often become so accustomed with blocking things/people out, finding different avenues or outlets to occupy our times and minds that we don't take time to talk about it, pray about it, allow ourselves to be concerned about it, and find ways to heal our minds about it. What I am learning is that sometimes the toxicity we carry can be created from within, and not that in which is given to us by others. The lesson is not always about what you learned, but often about how the situation helped you grow, how it made you better and not bitter, how you were able to cope and move past it and come to terms with it in order to live your best life. We can't force others to love us, want us, need us, be there for us in ways that we want them to, or even how we love them, and are there for them and I am slowly coming to terms knowing that it is okay. Will you be broken hearted? Of course, and you may question it all and ask why .... but instead of questioning and wanting to know the why's work on the how's ... how to make the situation better, how to overcome it, how to cope after it's all said and done, how it will make you stronger, how it is going to make you better and not bitter.


For all the broken hearted little girls in this world, whether you read this post or not, understand this, it's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to ask the questions of why but let us not get trapped in wanting to know the why's .... give yourself a little bit of time to ask the why's but then regroup and start to focus on the how's. How it will make you better and not bitter, how much stronger you will be once you get through it, how much more beneficial you will become to others once you master how to cope, and how DOPE you really are even on those days you can't really see all that dope-ness that lies beneath that broken heart of yours. I come to you personally, as the broken hearted little girl sharing her world, and finally ready to work on my HOW and no longer focus on the WHY. Turn those worries into love and live life ... truly and without worries.

Heartbreak on the Hudson

I dated someone ... or at least I thought I was dating them. Time wasn't in our favor, we both worked and both made excuses. Then finally BOOM ... we connect. Yes we connect after all of the failed attempts the time was coming, it was guaranteed, it was a sure thing. Why was I so excited? Why was I so intrigued? What was it about him? Our conversations were sincere, his interest in me was captivating, and his support for things I spoke passionately about wanting to achieve didn't go unnoticed. He was different, he was like a breath of fresh air in a pair of Gorilla Glue inhaled lungs. Some days he was like a slow groove during a spin cycle. He was just different, and it felt like being on top of the Ferris wheel at the hood carnival and viewing the city from a different view, with a new set of eyes. I don't want to say that it was love but it was something worth wanting to know much more than face time calls and text messages. Never ending smiles and good conversation, mind intrigued much more than the body & so it was time, time to quit playing, time to spend time in each other's presence and see if the physical connection existed as much as I imagined it to. Our initial visit was short lived it was a pop up appearance, something unexpected but just enough to make a person smile. Our time together would come at a wedding. I am thinking to myself, well damn what better place to explore each other's souls than in a place filled with love. I want to look good, I want to smell good, I want our vibes to connect, I want to know if the plan moving forward is you and I. I'm all in. Surrounded by love and laughter, here we are at this wedding, guests of honor, but what I am honoring more than the wedding itself is your presence. Chill, let me keep my cool, let me stay calm it's just what I keep telling myself, put your guard up, play hard to get and keep the butterflies in the cage. This is all I keep periodically telling myself, from me parking my car at your home and you greeting me telling me how nice I look and how good I smell. During the car ride to the wedding and even to the reception, and even when I decided to put on my flip flops for the reception and you offered to hold my shoes, I just kept saying to myself "chill yo, don't let it loose." So we laugh, we smile, we pose for the photo booth and we enjoy each other's company and as the evening whines down I think to myself "damn I wouldn't mind doing this again, spending time with this man." But during my time I spent on the cloud I must've missed something down below. The feeling began to fade and things slowly began to change. I battled with a loss I never expected to deal with for about another 30 years and now here I was having time for my mind to wander and my soul to ache and cry. Time goes by and then all of a sudden a few months and not many but really what felt like two weeks passes and a picture is posted and my mind thinks "damn" maybe what I felt wasn't really worth feeling. I think damn, what did I miss? Did I not get the memo? It was all good just a week ago right? OR was I wrong? Here I was, sitting here asking myself a million and one questions while my heart felt left behind on the Hudson .... and I didn't fight to have it back, I just left it there to drown, on the Hudson. Time went by, pages were put on my block list, numbers were placed on my block list, I was just in a space where I left that part of my heart on the Hudson. And now here I am asking myself, why didn't you go back and get your heart from the Hudson? Sometimes, our pride is so big that our eyes can't see over, around or under it ... and this is where the story ends but everyday I want to ask him, if I came back to the Hudson for my heart would you meet me on the bridge?

Going Dutch.

Is a man still considered a "provider" if you all split the bills 50/50, and does it change your respect for him? I feel as if I have had this discussion year after year just to see if opinions change. The topic came back up recently and then someone posted it via snap chat and another discussion occurred.

Now let's be clear that the discussions were based upon relationships, not marriages. Can it be relative to married couples? ABSOLUTELY ... but this is geared towards couples. About a week ago I was at lunch with a friend and we were discussing bills, splitting bills, being tired of paying bills, all the things that we do as adults and my question to him was "who pay's the bills when you live with your significant other?" I have honestly lived with my significant other one time and it was tough for me. Not tough because he didn't have the finances to pay the bills but tough because at that point in time I felt I couldn't allow anyone to pay my bills, especially in an environment that I had developed and obtained prior to meeting them. My ex would literally sneak and pay bills behind my back and could you believe I would get upset? I KNOW !!! You may be reading this like "that girl is crazy, I wish someone would help me pay my bills" but I was much younger then compared to now. Now let's be clear that even today I am still a bit skeptical with just letting someone pay my bills, but I wouldn't mind splitting some bills right about now. The cost of living today is much more than what it was when our great grand parents were shacking up, so I don't look at a man as any less of a man if he wanted to split the bills. Now what would make look at him differently is if he didn't contribute at all or at least played his part or carried his own weight.

So how do you decide the household bills? I have chatted with many male friends who believe the bills should be split 50/50 and I am not one to argue with that because saving 50% of your money every month is better than not saving any of it. I was told that a "true gentleman" would pay cover the household bills depending on how he was raised, because in the older days a man provided for his home. Now do I disagree with that? Not one bit, I wouldn't mind someone covering all the bills but after awhile I would probably feel uncomfortable about that. Some people are genuine caretakers and sometimes you have to be cautious of others. You may end up breaking up and next thing you know, your ex is telling everyone about how they carried you financially the whole relationship.

Do you determine the bills based upon income? What if your girlfriend makes more money than you? Does it turn into a 60/40 ordeal in your household? I stated to my friend that if I lived with my significant other and they decided to pay the rent in full each month then I would agree to pay for the other expenses such as, electric, gas, cable, and internet. I was told that's a fair agreement but at the end of the day it is about the discussion you both have with one another. If you are dating a man and he immediately indicates 50/50 split do you still consider him a provider? Do you look at him differently? Are you judgmental about his decision?

I personally don't mind the 50/50 deal, but it has to be rules and regulations behind the 50/50 plan. The bills must all be accounted for and identified for sure, and a joint account needs to be in place. Now this joint account would solely be for household bills and nothing else. If our household bills total $1200 for the month then the agreement is we both contribute $600 per month into this joint bank account. Anything outside of that doesn't concern me, your money minus that $600 is yours to do whatever you please. Again, the household bills is the priority to me. In a lot of relationships, discussing finances can be an uncomfortable conversation but what one must remember is that moving in together can be a great thing. So let me recap real quick with the top 3 options of living together with your significant other:

1. Split the bills down the middle.
Again, for many couples this is by far the easiest thing to do. It especially works great if both individuals have similar incomes .... and BOOM there we have it, INCOME!
Income is one thing many couples (not married individuals) couples hate discussing. I am one to agree because honestly why do you need to count my coins? Often at times when people are aware of what kind of money you make they try and use that to an advantage. Example: you make $15k more than me a year, you can handle paying the rent alone which leads to my 2nd option of living with your significant other ....

2. Split the bills based on percentage.
If there is a significant difference in the amount of money each person makes then a percentage seems fair, but please let the percentage be reasonable such as a 60/40 ordeal. Now let's be clear that the difference must be a meaningful difference in $$$. It can't be because they make $3-5k more than you a year, a good example of a significant difference would be if you make $75k a year and your boyfriend makes $50k a year, then ideally the person who makes the most amount of money would be responsible for 60% of the household bills. Sounds fair right? But just in case you don't like option 1 or 2 then it brings me to the final option of living with your significant other ...

3. Pick and choose.
Some couples believe in pick and choose. For example, let's say the agreement is to split the rent 50/50, great start, and then the remainder of the bills is a pick and choose. He may choose to pay the electric and water bill and you end up with the cable bill. Everyone has a responsibility when it comes to bills in the household.

Regardless of how you choose to split the bills, an amicable decision must be made and preferably before you decide to move in together. Many things change over the years, but one thing that remains the same within many relationships is the stress factor about money. Money is one of the biggest stresses in a relationship and the leading cause of many arguments.

... my mid life crisis in my 30's

I am not sure yet if being single in your 30's is a gift or a curse. Some days I feel like this is a punishment for not forwarding those chain messages I probably received back in 2005. Come on we all know those chain messages that said "forward to 7 people or be single for the rest of your life". But anyways, what I can say is that I have learned a lot of interesting and informational things as I journey thru my 30's in the peak of my "single-ness".

If you are single and your friends are in long term relationships, then maybe just maybe something is wrong with you. How many times have you heard that? Well fuck what they may say because your dope! Tell them Nye said so and don't believe the hype because all those long term relationships may be suffering and unhappy behind closed doors. Nothing is wrong with you. Some days I often feel like I am behind because I am single, but then most days I feel like I am right in the middle. In between the people who are in unhappy relationships and people in happy relationships. Sucks that society makes us feel that being in a relationship is such a valuable thing, and the pressure behind being in one to basically be apart of a status quo.

Most single individuals struggle with the knowing of if they are ready to settle down or if it's just peer pressure. But being single isn't all that horrible, it has its distinct advantages. You don't have to tell anybody where you are, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. You don't have to account for someone else's feelings or schedules, and heck if you wanted to pack up and move 800 miles away you can do just that. But, even though you have the mixed emotions and feelings you still may sit back and wonder "is something wrong with me?" When does being single bother you the most? For me winter and summer .... most people can understand winter because it's cold outside, a good Netflix buddy is always great for cuddling and snuggling but the summertime is that moment when you would like to be spontaneous and take a weekend trip to the beach, Miami, Vegas or even the Poconos.

..... and then there is online dating. A repetitive cycle, when one is bored we download the app, we surf thru the app, chat with hopefuls that turn out to be hopeless, become fed up and uninstall the app. THEN REPEAT several months later, LOL! But remember this, you may not find the person of your dreams after 500 swipes. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of even falling in love, I just feel like I can't be alone here. Then I realize that it takes so many things to align for this to happen and it's all about timing, not your timing but God's timing. Heck maybe even cupid's timing. And while many fall in love continuously, others take time. Remember Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't be shamed or judged for being single.