Heartbreak on the Hudson

I dated someone ... or at least I thought I was dating them. Time wasn't in our favor, we both worked and both made excuses. Then finally BOOM ... we connect. Yes we connect after all of the failed attempts the time was coming, it was guaranteed, it was a sure thing. Why was I so excited? Why was I so intrigued? What was it about him? Our conversations were sincere, his interest in me was captivating, and his support for things I spoke passionately about wanting to achieve didn't go unnoticed. He was different, he was like a breath of fresh air in a pair of Gorilla Glue inhaled lungs. Some days he was like a slow groove during a spin cycle. He was just different, and it felt like being on top of the Ferris wheel at the hood carnival and viewing the city from a different view, with a new set of eyes. I don't want to say that it was love but it was something worth wanting to know much more than face time calls and text messages. Never ending smiles and good conversation, mind intrigued much more than the body & so it was time, time to quit playing, time to spend time in each other's presence and see if the physical connection existed as much as I imagined it to. Our initial visit was short lived it was a pop up appearance, something unexpected but just enough to make a person smile. Our time together would come at a wedding. I am thinking to myself, well damn what better place to explore each other's souls than in a place filled with love. I want to look good, I want to smell good, I want our vibes to connect, I want to know if the plan moving forward is you and I. I'm all in. Surrounded by love and laughter, here we are at this wedding, guests of honor, but what I am honoring more than the wedding itself is your presence. Chill, let me keep my cool, let me stay calm it's just what I keep telling myself, put your guard up, play hard to get and keep the butterflies in the cage. This is all I keep periodically telling myself, from me parking my car at your home and you greeting me telling me how nice I look and how good I smell. During the car ride to the wedding and even to the reception, and even when I decided to put on my flip flops for the reception and you offered to hold my shoes, I just kept saying to myself "chill yo, don't let it loose." So we laugh, we smile, we pose for the photo booth and we enjoy each other's company and as the evening whines down I think to myself "damn I wouldn't mind doing this again, spending time with this man." But during my time I spent on the cloud I must've missed something down below. The feeling began to fade and things slowly began to change. I battled with a loss I never expected to deal with for about another 30 years and now here I was having time for my mind to wander and my soul to ache and cry. Time goes by and then all of a sudden a few months and not many but really what felt like two weeks passes and a picture is posted and my mind thinks "damn" maybe what I felt wasn't really worth feeling. I think damn, what did I miss? Did I not get the memo? It was all good just a week ago right? OR was I wrong? Here I was, sitting here asking myself a million and one questions while my heart felt left behind on the Hudson .... and I didn't fight to have it back, I just left it there to drown, on the Hudson. Time went by, pages were put on my block list, numbers were placed on my block list, I was just in a space where I left that part of my heart on the Hudson. And now here I am asking myself, why didn't you go back and get your heart from the Hudson? Sometimes, our pride is so big that our eyes can't see over, around or under it ... and this is where the story ends but everyday I want to ask him, if I came back to the Hudson for my heart would you meet me on the bridge?

Going Dutch.

Is a man still considered a "provider" if you all split the bills 50/50, and does it change your respect for him? I feel as if I have had this discussion year after year just to see if opinions change. The topic came back up recently and then someone posted it via snap chat and another discussion occurred.

Now let's be clear that the discussions were based upon relationships, not marriages. Can it be relative to married couples? ABSOLUTELY ... but this is geared towards couples. About a week ago I was at lunch with a friend and we were discussing bills, splitting bills, being tired of paying bills, all the things that we do as adults and my question to him was "who pay's the bills when you live with your significant other?" I have honestly lived with my significant other one time and it was tough for me. Not tough because he didn't have the finances to pay the bills but tough because at that point in time I felt I couldn't allow anyone to pay my bills, especially in an environment that I had developed and obtained prior to meeting them. My ex would literally sneak and pay bills behind my back and could you believe I would get upset? I KNOW !!! You may be reading this like "that girl is crazy, I wish someone would help me pay my bills" but I was much younger then compared to now. Now let's be clear that even today I am still a bit skeptical with just letting someone pay my bills, but I wouldn't mind splitting some bills right about now. The cost of living today is much more than what it was when our great grand parents were shacking up, so I don't look at a man as any less of a man if he wanted to split the bills. Now what would make look at him differently is if he didn't contribute at all or at least played his part or carried his own weight.

So how do you decide the household bills? I have chatted with many male friends who believe the bills should be split 50/50 and I am not one to argue with that because saving 50% of your money every month is better than not saving any of it. I was told that a "true gentleman" would pay cover the household bills depending on how he was raised, because in the older days a man provided for his home. Now do I disagree with that? Not one bit, I wouldn't mind someone covering all the bills but after awhile I would probably feel uncomfortable about that. Some people are genuine caretakers and sometimes you have to be cautious of others. You may end up breaking up and next thing you know, your ex is telling everyone about how they carried you financially the whole relationship.

Do you determine the bills based upon income? What if your girlfriend makes more money than you? Does it turn into a 60/40 ordeal in your household? I stated to my friend that if I lived with my significant other and they decided to pay the rent in full each month then I would agree to pay for the other expenses such as, electric, gas, cable, and internet. I was told that's a fair agreement but at the end of the day it is about the discussion you both have with one another. If you are dating a man and he immediately indicates 50/50 split do you still consider him a provider? Do you look at him differently? Are you judgmental about his decision?

I personally don't mind the 50/50 deal, but it has to be rules and regulations behind the 50/50 plan. The bills must all be accounted for and identified for sure, and a joint account needs to be in place. Now this joint account would solely be for household bills and nothing else. If our household bills total $1200 for the month then the agreement is we both contribute $600 per month into this joint bank account. Anything outside of that doesn't concern me, your money minus that $600 is yours to do whatever you please. Again, the household bills is the priority to me. In a lot of relationships, discussing finances can be an uncomfortable conversation but what one must remember is that moving in together can be a great thing. So let me recap real quick with the top 3 options of living together with your significant other:

1. Split the bills down the middle.
Again, for many couples this is by far the easiest thing to do. It especially works great if both individuals have similar incomes .... and BOOM there we have it, INCOME!
Income is one thing many couples (not married individuals) couples hate discussing. I am one to agree because honestly why do you need to count my coins? Often at times when people are aware of what kind of money you make they try and use that to an advantage. Example: you make $15k more than me a year, you can handle paying the rent alone which leads to my 2nd option of living with your significant other ....

2. Split the bills based on percentage.
If there is a significant difference in the amount of money each person makes then a percentage seems fair, but please let the percentage be reasonable such as a 60/40 ordeal. Now let's be clear that the difference must be a meaningful difference in $$$. It can't be because they make $3-5k more than you a year, a good example of a significant difference would be if you make $75k a year and your boyfriend makes $50k a year, then ideally the person who makes the most amount of money would be responsible for 60% of the household bills. Sounds fair right? But just in case you don't like option 1 or 2 then it brings me to the final option of living with your significant other ...

3. Pick and choose.
Some couples believe in pick and choose. For example, let's say the agreement is to split the rent 50/50, great start, and then the remainder of the bills is a pick and choose. He may choose to pay the electric and water bill and you end up with the cable bill. Everyone has a responsibility when it comes to bills in the household.

Regardless of how you choose to split the bills, an amicable decision must be made and preferably before you decide to move in together. Many things change over the years, but one thing that remains the same within many relationships is the stress factor about money. Money is one of the biggest stresses in a relationship and the leading cause of many arguments.

... my mid life crisis in my 30's

I am not sure yet if being single in your 30's is a gift or a curse. Some days I feel like this is a punishment for not forwarding those chain messages I probably received back in 2005. Come on we all know those chain messages that said "forward to 7 people or be single for the rest of your life". But anyways, what I can say is that I have learned a lot of interesting and informational things as I journey thru my 30's in the peak of my "single-ness".

If you are single and your friends are in long term relationships, then maybe just maybe something is wrong with you. How many times have you heard that? Well fuck what they may say because your dope! Tell them Nye said so and don't believe the hype because all those long term relationships may be suffering and unhappy behind closed doors. Nothing is wrong with you. Some days I often feel like I am behind because I am single, but then most days I feel like I am right in the middle. In between the people who are in unhappy relationships and people in happy relationships. Sucks that society makes us feel that being in a relationship is such a valuable thing, and the pressure behind being in one to basically be apart of a status quo.

Most single individuals struggle with the knowing of if they are ready to settle down or if it's just peer pressure. But being single isn't all that horrible, it has its distinct advantages. You don't have to tell anybody where you are, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. You don't have to account for someone else's feelings or schedules, and heck if you wanted to pack up and move 800 miles away you can do just that. But, even though you have the mixed emotions and feelings you still may sit back and wonder "is something wrong with me?" When does being single bother you the most? For me winter and summer .... most people can understand winter because it's cold outside, a good Netflix buddy is always great for cuddling and snuggling but the summertime is that moment when you would like to be spontaneous and take a weekend trip to the beach, Miami, Vegas or even the Poconos.

..... and then there is online dating. A repetitive cycle, when one is bored we download the app, we surf thru the app, chat with hopefuls that turn out to be hopeless, become fed up and uninstall the app. THEN REPEAT several months later, LOL! But remember this, you may not find the person of your dreams after 500 swipes. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of even falling in love, I just feel like I can't be alone here. Then I realize that it takes so many things to align for this to happen and it's all about timing, not your timing but God's timing. Heck maybe even cupid's timing. And while many fall in love continuously, others take time. Remember Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't be shamed or judged for being single.

Can you date someone who isn't stable?

Stable .... not likely to change or fail; firmly established.
synonyms: secure * solid * strong * steady

Can you date someone who isn't stable? Stability comes in different variations from financially, mentally, emotionally, physically and so much more. Over the years many have changed their perspectives as to what they may or may not consider stable, but with age comes great wisdom and your thoughts and ideas of stability change a bit. I personally have learned many lessons in life, I even had to learn a few the hard way but there are a few particular things that remain within me and let me share a few with you.

1. "You shouldn’t choose someone to date based on whether or not they make good money, but you should choose someone to date based on whether or not they have goals and aspirations."

In my early twenties dating a drug dealer was considered stability to many females and sadly in my mid 30's some women still consider their financial loom a stability (which it isn't). What I have learned entering my 30's and progressing forward is that not everyone has the financial aspects that you want them to have but what draws me in more now is the game plan, goals and motives one has to obtain it all. The money or power doesn't impress me much any more, but dating someone who is a motivated human being is far more sexier than the guy who may be driving the Mercedes truck with no W2 to prove his income at the end of the year. Don't get me wrong the fat stack of cash doesn't hard in today's economy but the motivation moves me.

2. If the person you are dating makes you feel shitty about what you do for a living, make them feel shittier by dumping their rude, judgmental ass.

Ever dated someone who made you feel as if their job was way  more important than yours? Don't lie because I am quite sure we all have dated someone who made us question what we did for a living at some point in our lives. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people make commentary on things we do in life because they want better for us and just want to help us out. If someone you love sees that you are stuck in a job that you don't love, or a job that makes you no money and brings you more stress and sadness than happiness; then the advice is probably not coming from a place of judgment, but rather from a place of care. However, if the thing you are doing is a thing you love deeply, I mean mind, body and soul deeply. and a thing that you profit off of in some way, and you truly feel satisfied with it, they should be supporting you. Even if it isn’t prestigious or impressive, or making 6 figures or even half of 6 figures. If they don’t support that, then you’re not the one for them. That is okay, too! It doesn’t even necessarily mean they are a bad person. Sometimes we just need to understand that .... LOVE isn’t always enough. People are attracted to certain things, and want certain things for their futures, and if the ability to afford a different future than the one you are comfortable with is one of them, then you two might just have no business being together anymore.

3. If you ever spend money on your partner because you think you need to in order to gain their affection/forgiveness/attention, your relationship is not healthy.

All the places I can go on this subject but I won't ... I can save it for another blog topic for sure. Now personally I will NEVER be against buying a gift for my man or a "for being you" gift for no reason other than the fact that it is a fun, nice or a sweet gesture from my heart. But I have seen people in relationships, when it is down to the wire and they feel as if they are being treated like SHIT and felt their significant other slipping away, many have found themselves spending money left and right to show how much they care, prove their worthiness, etc. Money doesn't solve all problems ... gifts are good but time and effort is much better.

4. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

Oh dear women readers .... it's called intuition for us. When you spend time with people who are treating you right and truly being good to you, I mean genuinely interested in you and then all of a sudden you really realize the little red flags that you missed with the not-so-good guys. The truth is, in good relationships, you generally do feel good. It's some kind of aura you carry around with you when you feel good. If someone is treating you right, you shouldn’t have the feeling that they’re cheating on you, or being dishonest with you. In a "healthy" relationship, you should never feel like someone is slipping from your grip, and forcing you to go into spending overdrive to try and prove your love to them or suck them back in. When someone is treating you right, you will feel calm. If you don’t feel that way, it might be time to reevaluate.

Now please let me be clear about a few things .... I’m not going to sit here and pretend like we all don’t want that ride or die mate. But perhaps, if you are running into people who aren’t interested in dating you due to your financial status, maybe you should work on becoming a bit more stable in that department. If not then at least setting goals and having a plan in motion to do so. Granted, gold-diggers do exist, but every woman who does not desire to “struggle” with a man does not fit into that category. Many people are truly smart enough to know that your intelligence, connections and work ethics can truly lead to wealth and success; and wealth and success doesn't always have to do with money.  A person isn’t always disinterested in you because of your pay grade, TRUST me when I say it is often many other reasons as to why they are not. Sometimes they just are NOT interested. And instead of finding reasons to discount yourself or calling them greedy, fake and/or selfish, maybe you should remember that many people in life don't owe you an explanation.

does social media + relationship = DRAMA?

Today's blog topic was provided by a guy. I always share and give credit where the credit is due. And being how the topic was presented to me it's clear to say he wanted my opinion on the matter. So let's dig into it a bit .... social media can put a lot of extra stress on relationships these days. With all of the privacy of social media, it's sometimes impossible not to think about the fact that your significant other might be inappropriately liking someone else's photos on Instagram or getting down in the DM's on Twitter/IG/snap chat  (cause we all know that's where it goes down). It's a lot to stress about, especially if you're in a new relationship or have been cheated on in the past. Odds are, whether you'd like to admit it or not, if you're dating someone, you've thought about their social media habits before. And if you sit here reading this and say "no not me Nye" please stop lying to yourself.

While many people are quick on the trigger, ready to post every single life moment on snap chat, IG, or Facebook, and tweeting every funny moment sometimes the reality is that you should hold back a bit. The same way many post the good they also post the bad, you and "bae" going thru it (vent on social media) and please don't act like we all don't have a friend/relative who does this from time to time and you are always asking yourself "why she still fck w him, he's a bum!" The reality is that instead of focusing on documenting the relationship on social media you should be focusing on the relationship itself. 

It’s OK to be private on your social media accounts. However, if your significant other is too private, this could be a red flag. This is always a touchy topic ... often women feel like "if he don't post me he don't love me" and I am not sure why that is ... somethings are better left unsaid but then again if he is parading on social media like he is single then it's definitely something to question. On the flip side, too much PDA on social media sites can also be questionable. Sometimes the couples that post too much are trying to overcompensate for their unhappiness and make it appear otherwise. It’s always nice to leave a little privacy when it comes to a relationship.Social media can become quite a problem if it’s taking over your partner’s life. If your date night is looking a lot like you talking and your significant other looking at his or her phone, spending majority of the date snap chatting or tweeting you might want to shut it down.

Some would say it's a pivotal point in a relationship to follow each other on social media because it gives you the convenience/chance of getting to know your partner a bit more. But my opinion on that is so does communication !!! It has been said and proven that most people in relationships use social media to monitor their partner's. And always keep in mind those happy posts doesn't mean that the couples are always happy ... we don't know what all happens behind closed doors. 

Despite my personal opinions and stance on social media networks, many girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, side chicks, and hook-ups do follow each other . For some, it’s a non-factor in a relationship, but for many, it’s a major source of controversy and brings about difficulties in a relationship.

The fact is, some marriages and relationships have ended due to inappropriate social media behaviors, pictures posted, words posted, etc. We’ve all heard stories of spouses who chose to seek attention from others on numerous sites and apps. It’s not that social media is the cause of these indiscretions, but it is most certainly a tool that has made it easier for those who choose to step out. Now let me back track and let's be clear ... if someone is going to step out on you they WILL DO so regardless of social media or not ! (now back to the topic)

On the flip side, there are some couples that have chosen to attack the “evils” of social media by either creating a joint page or giving the other complete access to their account. Some significant others have established “rules” about what should and should not be shared with the world, specifically regarding children and very personal matters. But when rules are set is it out of respect or more so control?

Determining you and your partner’s social media rules is, of course, all subjective to YOUR relationship. It is each individual’s choice to either use social media with good or bad intentions. If you have to question what you are about to post and if it will be offensive to your significant other then chances are it just may be. No matter what, for a relationship to be successful in spite of social media, there absolutely must be a level of respect. If the level of respect isn't there why is the relationship still in existence?

How do you use social media with your partner? Do you have strict rules or just let it flow? Should you avoid following your significant other? Chime in let me know ... leave some comments and fill me in, I would love to know. 

As always ... love is love, peace and blessings and thanks for viewing/sharing/liking and all that good stuff. 

how soon do men really expect sex?

Being how all I have really is male friends/associates I get the most feedback and blog topics from them. Then again having 8 brothers doesn't make it easy either. But let's get serious, how soon do men really expect sex from women? I don't know about you but I have heard guys say, if he doesn't feel like he's going to get some after 3 dates, he doesn't even bother asking the woman out again. 

As crazy as it may sound I wasn't even in disbelief. Times have changed with dating and sexual encounters. Everything is often give it to me now or get going. So I conducted a little survey with a few of the guy friends/associates and it only confirmed that all my homies are HOES (LOL) nah I am joking (but I am sort of serious)! 

The question was "how soon do men really expect sex?" & the responses:

John: well soon as possible because most men not going to attempt to take a girl seriously until we know if the sex good or not

Fogle: nowadays 2-3 weeks we live in a microwave age now

Valmond: depends on the vibe but within three dates generally

AA: it's very different for me with maturity to be honest. if there is sexual chemistry I'm going to try the first night. NOT expect but try there's a difference. 

D: I don't really have a time frame for sex expectations. Each encounter has it's own time frame. It depends on the two or three people involved! 

Squidward: if we spend any money, gas, extra time on you at that point we expect sex. In any case if we look at you we expect sex. 

GSO: wouldn't say there's an expectation, unless it's already clearly stated that's what's going down. 

AND THIS PROVES I KNOW A LOT OF HOES !!! LOL

No sir, but most of the homies keep it 100% and are always horny. So let's discuss. 

There is only one hard and fast rule when it comes to finally having sex with your crush: do it when you're comfortable. We expect nothing more, nothing less. Despite what your favorite sitcom told you growing up, there is no such thing as the "three date rule" in today's world. Women that sleep with a man on the first date are not sluts. Women that wait three months to have sex are not prudes. Any gentleman worth a damn will agree.

Not to many people are familiar with the urban "third date rule" so let me school you.

The third date is generally considered the "sex date." It is the average number of dates until it is deemed proper and acceptable to have sex with a new mate; therefore, the Third Date Rule is the implementation of this theory.

So what difference does it make if it's the 1st date/encounter, 3rd date or 13th date? Sex shouldn't even be viewed as a “down payment” on a relationship and men receive it as a “thank you” for taking her out to dinner. And having sex on the first date shouldn't negatively impact your chances of a long-term relationship. Cause often it's just sex that both of the parties want and nothing more.

Some fear that if you have sex on the first date that maybe the man won't take you serious if you are really interested in getting to know him. *rubs hands together* It all depends on the guy, a great relationship can stem from sex on the first date and some men may not take you serious. Which makes me question the double standard, especially when men have random hookups with women ... but that's neither here nor there. Save it for another topic. 

Not too many men are going to tell you NO if you want to have sex on the first date !!! If you do find one who says NO let's wait, he may be a keeper or an undercover creeper. One can never be to sure these days. Chemistry is chemistry. It's no reason NOT to enjoy one another if the chemistry is there for sure. Your decision to have sex is that of your own and not his. Regardless, guys who are interested in you and want to see you will still follow up and pursue you — especially after they've seen you naked. 

Let's strip sexual activity of all it's damaging implications and bring it back to what it is: just sex. AIN'T SHIT WRONG with having sex on the first date. MEN are not going to think less of you or judge you. MEN are not going to slut-shame you. And WOMEN shouldn't feel apologetic or guilty.

Truth be told not waiting and holding out may be the best decision you can ever make. Cause if the sex is wack you move right along ... it's nothing worse than holding out 3 weeks or 3 months to be disappointed sexually. (yes it still happens) If you're feeling hot and you want it, then you should have absolutely no qualms about going for it.

CAN YOU DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH?

I agree that opposites do attract, but not when you have absolutely NOTHING in common. I have always been open minded to dating men from different backgrounds, religious standpoints, etc. Don't get me wrong I still think it's great to meet people who are different, have different perspectives, challenge you and open you up to experiencing life in new ways. But there's a huge difference between "they know how to meringue and I've never done that before" and "we have nothing to talk about over dinner!"

What I have found to be true, is that people who date become more alike over time and you build common interests, so it's not that important that you have everything in common with each other. It's important to date someone you have some common interests with. One thing with dating that we need to understand is PEOPLE ARE NOT PROJECTS !!! Take my word for it please. We all have dated someone in the past in whom we thought we could mold into the person we wanted them to be ... example; oh he/she smokes weed but I bet I can change that. Do you know how fucked up that is? Getting into a relationship out of a place of pure judgment? Often what a person does in their spare time or part time life doesn't define them ... like Drake said "smoke a lot of weed but her shit's together." If you are dating someone just to change them, let me spare you the headache ... people don't often change! Not saying change isn't possible and that change isn't good, but if that's your whole motive then you are already entering a relationship for all the wrong reasons.

Have you ever dated someone because of who they are or because of their job? Don't lie .... I am sure we all have at some point in time in our lives. But the reality is this, common interests are often what bring two people together but they will NOT keep you together. What I have been told is that common interests have nothing to do with COMPATIBILITY. I always shake my head and say "how Sway how?" but it holds some validation. Compatibility is about respect, first and foremost. Example: if you like running and I don't we can be perfectly happy together - just as long as you not out here judging me for not running and I am not trying to stop you from running. Simple as that.

The beauty of getting to know someone is asking the right questions and getting honest answers. Be aware that with honesty comes answers we won't like and that's cool. People are allowed their opinions. So again I ask ... is having things in common necessary for a relationship to thrive? Can the relationship work? Often people are interested in you and you think to yourself .... would this even work? What I have grown to see over the years, is that the older you get the more your views change on certain topics. When I was in my 20's dating was fun and a lot of things didn't really matter as much. But what I am now realizing in my 30's is that common interests mean just a little bit more than they did in my 20's. It's hard to build something with someone you share NO common interests with. Can a social butterfly date a caterpillar? Possibly. The differences are always needed when dating because it allows you both to grow and explore new things, but how can you get to explore the growth when you can't get past the first stage due to no common interests?

Don't ever be subjective to believe that a great relationship requires common interests, but do know this !!! There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests or activities. BUT and let me repeat that part ... BUT if you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities and the communication is hard (via text, calls, over dinner, etc.) and the results are stress, tension, conflict and lack of interest DON'T DO IT!

Oh and don't let SEX be the binding factor either. Yes they may be great in bed, but if we can't hold a great conversation outside of the bedroom it won't work. A relationship can't be built off just SEX alone (don't get me mistaken because it does play a factor). 

THE FRIEND ZONE

FRIEND ZONE GONE WRONG?

I am sure we all have regretted throwing someone in the friend zone, possibly tossed Mr./Mrs. Right in there because of one simple flaw that made you throw a curve ball. Once someone is placed in the friend zone is there any way of coming out of the friend zone? For me personally, I always say NO because if I friend zone you it's damn near a done deal. You are now like a brother to me, or my annoying cousin from up north, etc. But ask yourself this "are we friend zoning all the wrong people without giving them a chance?"

Ever been told ... you're a great listener? you're a real catch? just to name a few ... that my dear is often when you have officially been friend zoned. 

The great irony is that the friend zone really doesn't exist. The notion that once people make friends, they will never progress to a romantic relationship, is quickly debunked by a glance at the real world, replete with couples who were friends for months or years before their relationship sparked. “Friend-zoning is a terrible thing. The idea of a friend zone is like a terrible, male… have you ever heard a girl say she’s in the friend zone? It’s a thing I think men need to be really careful about using… I definitely think the idea of friend zone is just men going, ‘This woman won’t have sex with me.'" It has been said that in this day and age women are well known for placing men in the friend zone.

Do women regret ever putting guys in the "Friend Zone"?
Have any of you ever gone back to them after letting them go for someone else? Do you ever think about them afterwards? I hear that once you're in the friend zone, it's pretty much a done deal. What are some of the signs to identify if you are in the "friend zone"?

* chosen communication is TEXT .... no I don't mean sexting either ! all communication is done via text and you barely know what his/her voice sounds like.
* he/she is a grouper - not sure what a grouper is? someone who prefers to hang out in mostly groups. don't get me wrong meeting each other's friends is great, but if a girl/guy really likes you they will only want to spend time with you and see you !
* your one on one time is nonsexual. now please don't get me wrong it's not to say you should be dropping panties/boxers immediately but if their is an interest there, of course it would be a sexual spark or even some kind of conversation along the lines.
* he/she talks about other guys/girls they are interested in with you. If I can talk to you about dudes I talk to or have interest in then you are in the "friend zone"

So is the friend zone actually worth being in? Think about it honestly.

From a man’s point of view, the friend zone is usually perceived as the absolute worst place you want to be….OR IS IT? My position on the friend zone is a little different than most men and from most women. I think the friend zone allows you to get to know the woman better than you would if you were to just hop into a situation where you are dealing with her on an intimate level. Think about it, when you’re in a relationship the person that you are with should be like your best friend. There shouldn’t be anything that you can’t tell that person and nothing they should be able to share everything with you . So the best way to start a relationship that is truly worth anything is to start off as friends. When a woman trusts you with her friendship you can get the information from her that should help you decide if she is even worth pursuing. A lot of times women tell you things without actually telling you. All you have to do is engage in conversation and listen. Not only that, even if you never get out of the friend zone with that particular woman, she is more then likely to give you insight and information that you can use in the future with other women. A lot of men think that they have to kick some type of game in order to make sure that they stay out of the friend zone. <--- PURE BULLSHIT !!! 

 But the fact of the matter is, the key to staying out of the friend zone is honesty. All you have to do is be honest with the woman. She will respect that a lot more then if you are pretending to be her friend just to get a taste of her cookies. If you are only trying to get the drawls, then just let her know and see if she is down with it. I always tell my friends this because 85% of the time you will meet a woman who is just about the sex and nothing more. So why waste time with pursuit if your intentions are just sexual?  If she is with it, then you have just landed into a “friends with benefits” situation. The good thing about that is that if you really like her then the friends with benefits has the possibility of turning into a real deal relationship. Don’t be afraid of those types of situations either. Sometimes the friends with benefits can turn out to be the best ones for you. You’ve been friends for so long, and you just begin to know each other so well that it only makes sense that you take things to the next level and pursue a relationship with the person.

I bet you thought I wouldn't get on the ladies huh?
Now ladies, you have to know that the friend zone is an asset to you, BUT you have to use it wisely. You can’t just go putting every dude you meet in the friend zone just because you are waiting on Idris Elba to pop into your life. You need to use the friend zone as a way to get a better understanding of men, and why we do what we do. Choose the men who you put into the friend zone very very wisely. If the man isn’t bringing some sort of value to your life, then you need to cut him of. NOT FRIEND ZONE HIM .... CUT HIM OFF !!! We can't hold onto anyone or anything that doesn't add some kind of value or purpose to our life, whether it is emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.  At least be honest with him and let him know that this relationship is going no further then the occasional phone call, text messages while you’re bored at work, and a meal from Ruby Tuesdays on your off pay weeks. If you have a dude that you know you only want to be friends with, you need to tell him so that there are no unrealistic expectations on his part. A dude will spend a lot of his time and money just because he thinks he has a shot at becoming more than friends. You don’t really want to do this to a guy who is a genuine good dude. Because all you are doing is damaging this man and making it harder for the next woman. Now if it’s somebody who you don’t really care about and you know he only wants sex, aye that’s all part of the game. You may want the same thing that he wants. Or then again you may not. Just don’t lead the guy on. Let him decide if he wants to be in that friend zone or not. The friend zone definitely has its purpose, but I think the key to it is communication. The key to any great relationship is COMMUNICATION. If you feel like you’re in the zone and you don’t want to be, you have to let her know. It’s possible that she put you there subconsciously and didn’t know that you really had an interest. Ladies, if you want to put a man in the zone then you HAVE to let him know where he stands if he is making any type of moves on you. It’s only fair that when you see signs of the friend zone developing that you discuss it with the other party so that neither of you is wasting your time. 

What do you say? Do you think that women and men feel the same way about the friend zone? 

why do women settle for bad sex?

WHY SETTLE?

why do women settle for bad sex? Life is to short to settle for anything especially bad sex

Relationships are complicated in that they can be as simple as meeting the right person at the right time, or as difficult as trying to complete a rubix cube blindfolded. For some sex isn't a big deal (personally ME) it doesn't define a great relationship or makes a great relationship but I damn sure ain't going to settle for BAD SEX while in a relationship. Sex can either be the most/least important thing or fall anywhere in between. Again for some sex isn't a big deal, sometimes it's just something folks do to pass the time or please their partner. For others sex provides a safe haven when in a relationship and others just have a sexual orgasm craving they have to fulfill and sex does that for them. 

Women who settle for bad sex will point to any number of reasons for staying. The most common explanation of staying is "he's a good man and he has all these other great qualities. Why would I leave him just because the sex is bad?" I get it, trust me I do ! Because often good sex comes from bad dudes - you know the one's who fuck you so good your toes curls, are often felons, drug dealers, local rappers (you know 30 years old still making mix-tapes), etc. It is often said that women can't go backwards in a lifestyle and men can't go backwards sexually. Meaning, once a woman is accustomed to a certain lifestyle or way of being treated by a man, she will NO longer accept anything less than that. Now generally for men, once he is introduced to certain sexual acts and finds joy in them, he will no longer date a woman who won't meet those same basic desires. Example?!? Sure why not ! Remember back in the 90's when sucking dick was such an ambiguity and now it's all the RAVE and men are so stern that if they meet a chick and she doesn't suck dick, then it won't work! 

women settle for bad sex for different reasons:

- to hold on to a man they like, in hopes of teaching him how to please her.

- they've never known good sex, so they accept what they can get.

- they're afraid to question what he's doing...fearing he will walk out the door.

- they don't know how to tell him he's not doing it right.

- some women still believe that sex is about the man...and he doesn't have to satisfy her

the list goes on. 

until she find it within herself to tell him what she likes, and wants done, nothing will change.

Now finding a mate can be challenging but it damn sure isn't impossible (even though sometimes I feel like I am being repeatedly cast for a Mission Impossible movie) but that is neither here nor there. And while I am aware of the 80/20 rule I damn sure don't believe in it much and not sure why sex would be involved in that 20! My mind can't fathom being with someone and continuously having to fake orgasms, terrible fellatio, and having to look in their face everyday knowing that they can't please me. Now I truly believe in a monogamous relationship and I also believe that if I am only allowed to have sex with one person for the duration of the time I'm with said person, sexual compatibility would be at the top of the list - or damn near close to it for sure !!!

I wouldn't consider myself a hyper-sexual being but who doesn't like some good beef (don't act like you don't know what the good beef is). The only thing that separates your romantic relationship from your other relationship is the presence of sex. (seriously think about it) and I can reassure you this; if the sex is bad, YOU WILL NOT be doing a whole lot of it. So you might as well just give up and be friends. Honest hour: sometimes biology just doesn't want two people to be together, no matter how good of a person they are or how strong the sexual tension may or may not be. I mean sure you can give it time, and for some people that's enough - but to put it quite simply, all the conversation and physical attraction in the world won't change some mediocre dick ! *kanye shrug*